


Somewhere in the Dark, Your Light Finds me

by Mylifeisactuallyamess



Category: Modern AU - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Alone on Christmas, Alternate Universe, Anger and violence against things, Angst, Anxiety, Bad Weather, Counselling, Degradation, Depression, F/M, Fingering, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Funeral, Hospital Visit, Masterbation, Memories, Minor Character Death, More alcohol, Panic Attacks, Phone Sex, Power Cut, REDEMPTION FOR BEN SOLO, Self Loathing, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut thinking, So much angst, Some noncon, Storms, Swearing, Tears, Trigger Warnings, Verbal Aggression, Vomiting, aggressive smut, alcoholic, an accident, covid mention, drunk feelings, dubcon, female receiving, hint of smut, more bad news, more drunkness, physical aggression towards reader, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:34:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 51,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28533000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mylifeisactuallyamess/pseuds/Mylifeisactuallyamess
Summary: Ok so I had an idea for a Poe Dameron x Reader modern AU story, no idea what the story will be about yet but I’ve already mentioned Ben in there so we’ll see what happens. You’re all in this ride as much as I am! I have used a few of my own personal experiences in this fic, not all of them mind. Please READ THE TAGS! I update as the story progresses.This story follows the life of the reader, as she deals with the pitfalls of an ex while she’s trying to free herself and find happiness. There is lots of angst, mentions of depression all punctuated with fluff, and the ex can be pretty nasty, just putting that out there. READ THE TAGS
Relationships: Reader x Poe Reader x Ben
Comments: 18
Kudos: 25





	1. Gone

23rd December

  
Slowly you put the key into the lock on your door and let it swing open silently. The apartment was dark as you looked sightlessly inside. The Christmas tree stood in the corner like an ominous dark shadow, just the tinsel reflecting the light from outside.   
You knew he wasn’t here, he had text you while you were at work telling you he was leaving, that he was done. Your chest constricted as you forced yourself to step inside and shut the door. You rested your head on the cold wooden frame not wanting to turn around and see with your own eyes the emptiness now surrounding you. His absence screamed at you, 10 years you’d been together, 10 years you’d been inseparable but apparently he’d had enough. 

Enough of you? You didn’t think you were a bad girlfriend, you weren’t high maintenance you went to work and earned your own money, you didn’t want anything from him but love, companionship, someone to share your life with. Sadness rose inside your chest and your breath started to come out in short gasps as you forced yourself to turn around. 

_Gone_. His phone charger that was always plugged in the socket in the kitchen, _gone_. 

His shoes that used to live by the door, _gone_.

His loose change that lived in the dish next to the microwave, _gone_. 

Slowly your feet began to move as your eyes clocked everything that wasn’t there anymore. His Xbox and the games that lived under the telly, his jackets, all the toiletries out of the bathroom. Some of yours had been knocked over in his clear haste to pack it all as quickly as he could. 

You paused at the door to your bedroom, it was only open slightly and your hand shook as you reached out for the door handle. With a quiet creak it swung open and your hand flew to your mouth as the full force of his departure hit you. Tears blurred your vision as you choked back the sobs, the wardrobe was open and every item of his clothing was gone, hangers were strewn all over the bed and the sheets were all over the place where he had put his suitcase down and packed it on the bed, the draws in the wardrobe were open empty gaping holes and you felt like the room was tipping as you tried to accept what had happened, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t contain your sobs anymore and you slid down the wall ending up in a crumpled gasping heap on the floor as tears dribbled down your face. Memories replayed in your mind, tormenting you, reminding you of happier times which just made you cry harder as you realised the life you had dreamed of having with him was now _gone_. 

You didn’t know how long you laid there for staring at the dark empty abyss under the bed. The bed you had shared with him. You sniffed and wiped tears and snot on your sleeve not caring at all what you looked like right now, the scent of him teased your senses and you suddenly felt a flare of anger. 

_Why did he do this to you?_ You racked your brain replaying everything from the past few weeks, work had been manic in the run up to Christmas and being management you had to be there and work extra hours, he knew this. Fuck sake he knew how much you enjoyed your job, you’d always had this job. Your stomach rumbled slightly but the thought of eating food right now made you feel slightly queasy. You sat up and hugged your knees as you stared at the bed, you were tired but you didn’t want to get in it, not without him. Your eyes felt sore and itchy as you rubbed them, you dreaded to think what you would look like at work tomorrow, you’d love to take the day off but it was Christmas Eve. Fuck sake, it was Christmas Eve. How could he? You coughed clearing your throat and wincing at how loud it was against the silence, you needed a drink. You shuffled into the kitchen and began to search through the cupboards finding your bottle of pink gin you paused. He’d even taken his whiskey. He didn’t miss a thing. 

_How long had he been planning this?_ You hurriedly pulled a glass out of the cupboard you briefly thought you should add tonic to this or you would be wrecked tomorrow but you downed the gin anyway, wincing as it burned your throat before pouring another and downing that too. You instantly felt warm as the alcohol took effect, you were such a light weight when it came to drink he always used to poke fun at you for it. You clutched the empty glass in your hand as the rage came back and without thinking you launched it at the wall. It shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces and scattered all over the wooden floor, you instantly regretted it because now you had to clear it up, and that made you even more angry. You swigged out of the bottle the drink no longer burning your throat, you hadn’t eaten all day and this gin had been a really stupid idea. But you didn’t care, not anymore. 

‘Fuck.’ You stared at the broken shards of glass as they twinkled up at you teasing you with their prettiness, you took another long swig and your brain became foggy, your eyes felt so heavy as you bent down to look under the sink for the dustpan and brush. You spied it, your now clumsy hands grasped it pulling it out of the cupboard along with everything else, the clattering noise rung out loudly as all your cleaning products rolled over the floor. Suddenly you giggled, biting your lip you tried to stifle the noise as you shushed your metal bottle of polish, that was the noisiest offender.You swept up the glass so slowly, knowing you were well on your way to being drunk you tried to move slowly and as carefully as you could but the shards of glass were not playing ball as you tried to gently flick them into the pan. 

‘Come on,’ you mumbled as you felt frustration bubble up inside you, you swept again but they all fell over the side, so you tried again and the same thing happened. You made a loud angry noise as you threw the brush and plastic tray away from you not caring that you had now made the glass situation worse.   
‘ _Oh fuck off!’_ You shouted. You felt like you were in a bubble, everything was muffled as you stood up swaying slightly, you traipsed your way over to the sofa and collapsed on it. The last thing you really saw before you passed out was the Christmas bauble you had personalised for your tenth Christmas together. It read:

**_Y/N and Ben_ **

**_You and Me Always_ **


	2. Party

December 24th

You groaned as the pounding in your head woke you up, it felt like someone was banging on your front door. Oh wait, someone was banging on your front door! You sat up and the room swayed slightly as you struggled off the sofa.

‘I’m coming!’ You yelled hoping they would stop that awful loud noise. ‘Ouch! Fuck!’ Tiny shards of glass pierced the soft soles of your feet as you danced your way to the door trying to avoid the sharp little spikes of hell. You pulled the door open and gasped as a blur of brown hair launched themselves at you.

‘Since when do you ignore my phone calls?!’ You laughed awkwardly trying to ignore the pain in your feet and the crushing realisation that you were going to have to tell your best friend everything. 

‘Sorry, I was busy last night.’ 

‘Oh. Right. _Busy_.’ You looked over as she pointed at the nearly empty bottle of gin on its side on the counter. ‘Christ Y/N why is there glass all over the floor?!’ You winced as you sat yourself on the side and pulled your feet up to try get the glass out. 

‘I dropped a glass and didn’t clean it up properly ok?’ 

‘No, not ok! Where’s Ben? Has he left for work? I thought he had today off? He wouldn’t leave the apartment like this that’s for sure.’ You stilled at the mention of his name, just the casual way she threw it out there like he was still here. She was still chattering throwing questions at you as she searched for the dustpan and brush.

‘He’s gone,’ your voice broke slightly as you said it out loud for the first time. 

‘Gone? That’s what I was asking! Has he gone to work already.’ You shook your head squeezing your eyes tightly shut, trying to block everything out. 

‘No. You don’t understand. He’s  _gone_.’  You whispered the last word as finally she began to register what you were saying. 

‘What the fuck?! You’re not making sense? Hey, look at me.’ You looked up into her blue eyes and your face crumbled , the sobs racked your body as you shook on the counter top hiding your face behind your hands, she put her arms round you holding you tightly to her as you cried loudly. You felt like you were breaking, having to tell someone made it so much more final. She didn’t say anything as you let out your emotions, she just held you reeling from the news herself. Finally you managed to reduce yourself to hiccuping sobs and blurted out what had happened while you were at work the day before, how he had messaged you stating he was done with you and that he was leaving. No details, no forwarding address, 10 years together just ended like  that . 

‘Oh shit, what’s the time?’ You wiped your eyes and looked at the clock on the microwave. ‘Oh fuck!’ You shoved her away so you could get down, you cursed again as pain blossomed on the soles of your feet and you awkwardly hopped in the direction of the bathroom.

‘For the record I don’t think you should go to work!’ She called as you sat on the toilet leaving the door slightly ajar.

‘For the record, I can’t take the day off it’s Christmas Eve,’ you said loudly back, you sniffed and wiped your nose. ‘It’s fucking Christmas,’ you whispered to yourself as you headed to the sink. You looked up into the mirror, your eyes had black bags under them and you looked exhausted, the whites of your eyes were red from crying and your skin looked pale. You were going to scare some customers today, you splashed your face with cold water and raked a brush through your hair. You tried to cover up the bags under your eyes with whatever makeup was in the cupboard but you could still see them. You emerged out of the bathroom to dive into the bedroom when you froze, everything was still how you found it with the wardrobe open and the draws yawning wide exposing the nothingness inside them. You swallowed as you clutched the doorframe refusing to succumb to sobbing once again, you had to get to work, you had to get clean clothes, you had to step into the bedroom. You shuffled round the bed and pulled your underwear draw open without looking you grabbed some knickers and socks and ran back to the bathroom. You didn’t need a clean shirt, ok you did but you couldn’t go near the wardrobe. Not yet. You hastily changed and raced back out into the living room.

‘Hey watch the pile of glass!’ 

‘Yeah yeah I saw it.’ You grabbed your bag off the side and rummaged for your phone, lots of missed calls and texts from a certain someone and you smiled slightly, she hated it when you ignored her, but there was one that caught your eye it was from Ronan the other manager at the shop. 

**No need to come in today, take a rest you deserve it. See you after Boxing Day.**

**R**

‘What the...’ 

‘What’s up?’ 

‘It’s Ronan, he’s text me saying I don’t need to go into today....’ you trailed off as your brain jumped ahead. He wouldn’t, would he? 

‘Well that’s good. Oh and you’re coming out with me tonight.’ 

‘Uh, wait what?’ You frowned, you couldn’t concentrate because Ben had clearly spoken to Ronan, it was the only idea you could come up with which meant Ronan knew that he had left. You quickly dialed the number for the shop. It was picked up quickly and you spoke first.

‘Ronan?’

‘ _Oh hey Y/N did you get my text?_ ’

‘Yeah I did it’s why I’m ringing. Did he speak to you?’ You stared hard at the counter you were leaning on as uncomfortable silence spanned down the phone. ‘Did he tell you?’ You probed him again for answer.

‘ _I’m so sorry Y/N_.’  You closed your eyes and took a deep breath to try and steady yourself.

‘What did he say?’ 

‘ _Nothing really just that you were going to need some time off because....because he was leaving_.’

‘When?’ 

‘ _Erm yesterday sometime_.’  You nodded even though he couldn’t see you, a tear rolled out of your eye and you sniffed loudly.  ‘ _I have to go, I’ve got peoples money to take.’_

‘Yeah ok,’ you cringed at the waver in your voice as you struggled to hold yourself together long enough so you could end the phone call. 

‘ _Merry Christmas_.’  You shut the call off.

‘Merry fucking Christmas,’ you gripped your phone tightly as you stared at it. Should you ring him? Not knowing where he was or what he was doing was eating you up inside. Maybe if you rung him, would he pick up?

‘Don’t even think about it.’ She snatched the phone out of your hand and you made a frustrated noise.

‘Rii what are you doing? Give it back.’

‘Nope. We are not doing that today,’ you cut across her.

‘But I just want...’

‘No! I am going to go get us some coffee and cake and maybe some breakfast because I’m assuming you had gin for dinner. Am I right?’ You shrugged and she pursed her lips in displeasure. ‘I won’t be long, get out of those skanky work clothes, I want you in pjs by the time I get back.’ She shoved your phone in her bag before slamming the door behind her.

  
Silence. It crept up on you, crawling over your skin as you hugged yourself wishing she was back already, you slowly made your way back to the bedroom and you eyed the bed, the messed up sheets were annoying but you couldn’t touch them. You squeezed your eyes shut as the other night replayed in your mind, the feel of his skin on yours, the way your nails dug into his back as he pounded you into the mattress. You shuddered, how could he go from that to just upping and leaving without even telling you to your face. You deserved that at least. You sighed and turned away from the bedroom, crawling onto the sofa you grabbed a blanket and wrapped it round you pulling it up to your shoulders you breathed his scent in. You missed him, you still hadn’t really come to terms with the fact that he was gone but you ached for him. To feel his strong arms around you, he always made you feel so safe so loved,  what happened?  More tears threatened to fall but you ground your teeth together in an effort to curb the urge to cry. 

You grabbed the tv remote and switched it on, yes the news would numb your mind. You zoned out listening to the news anchor drone on about something or other you just needed background noise to counteract the silence. When Ben was here it was never quiet, he was always stomping about or his deep voice would be loud enough to hear in all the rooms so you never felt alone, even when you were waiting for him to come home from work the flat never felt this empty before. You jumped slightly as your front door opened and Rii walked in dumping all the food she’d got on the side. 

‘Ok so I have coffeeee! Eat this,’ she threw a paper bag at you which just thumped onto the blanket. ‘Don’t even pretend you didn’t see it. Eat.’ You sighed and grabbed the bag, it was a croissant your favourite but also something plain to line your stomach, you slowly started nibbling only to find it tasted like ash in your mouth but Rii’s hard stare made you take a bigger mouthful. She slid your cup to your end of the coffee table before grabbing hers and taking a swig. ‘God love coffee. Ok what are we watching?’ She frowned at the tv. ‘We don’t need to hear about some virus in China thanks, ok next!’ You sat back in your blanket as she flicked through the channels making comments on everything she saw, you nodded and smiled when you thought it was appropriate as she tried to distract you but really your mind was wandering, turning over the events of yesterday. You still didn’t know  _why_! Anger flared up the more you thought about it, how he could be fucking you one night and leaving the next, it didn’t make sense. None of this made sense. There must have been someone else, but in the 10 years you were together you had never doubted him not even for a second. He was all for you and he made sure you knew that all the time, he was almost possessive over you in public whenever he saw anyone even glance in your direction he’d touch your lower back or plant a kiss or you just to show that you were his and no one else’s. You took a sip of your coffee and frowned at the tv. You needed answers. 

You both lazed on the sofa watching nonsense until about 3pm. 

‘Right, come on.’ Rii stood up grabbing her bag. 

‘What’s happening?’ 

‘I told you earlier that you’re coming out with me tonight.’ You groaned and hid under the blanket. ‘Come on! I’m not leaving you here alone!’

‘Just emphasise that alone part one more time,’ your voice was muffled by the blanket as she stepped towards you. 

‘Get up. I’m not taking no for answer.’ She pulled you up and tossed the blanket aside. 

‘Where are we going?’ 

‘My friend is having a Christmas Eve party, lots of booze, lots of food just what you need.’ You rolled your eyes as she shoved your boots into your hand. ‘We’ll get ready at mine, you can wear my clothes.’

You grimaced as the loud thumping base reverberated from the house as you stepped out of the taxi, multi coloured lights flashed in the windows and you bit back a groan. Despite what Rii said, this was not what you needed, you yanked the dress down that she’d squeezed onto you, a black bodycon type dress you didn’t really know what it was except it was tight and it kept riding up. You hated it already. Your heels clipped the concrete as you followed her to the front door, she didn’t ring the bell but marched straight in like she owned the place.   
The sounds of the party assaulted you as you weaved through the crowd trying not to lose Rii, there were so many people here you began to feel slightly panicked as you bumped into people whispering sorry every time you accidentally touched someone. You and Ben never used to come to things like this, it was quiet meals with friends drinking wine or wandering the streets of the town when all the shops were shut just enjoying each others company. She lead you into the kitchen and you squinted against the bright lights that were a stark contrast to the rest of the house. 

‘Rii!!’ A whole chorus of voices reached your ears as she was swallowed up by a group of people. 

‘Everyone this is Y/N.’ All eyes turned to you and you instantly felt self conscious, why did you come to this blasted party? Rii was your best friend but she had many circles of friends some you met, some you didn’t. You did an awkward a little wave but didn’t make a move towards anyone, you had never been a hugger, you were with Rii and Ben but no one else. 

‘So this is Y/N. We’ve heard so much about you,’ you smiled nervously as Rii began to introduce them.

‘This is Rose,’ she pointed to a pretty girl with short straight black hair and slanted eyes who looked genuinely happy to see you. ‘This is Felix,’ she pointed to a guy who was sat on the countertop swigging beer out of a bottle. ‘And this over here is Rey.’ You looked over to see a girl in a white dress with her head in the fridge, at the mention of her name she poked her hand out for a wave. ‘Ok so that’s everyone, let’s get this girl a drink!’ 

‘What do you drink?’ Asked Felix his kind eyes giving you a quick look all over as he jumped off the counter. 

‘Well Gin if you have it.’ His eyes flashed as he grinned.

‘We have a sophisticated one here peeps! Gin for the lady coming right up.’ 

‘Put tonic in it Felix! I caught her swigging out of the bottle yesterday.’ You could feel the blush creeping up your cheeks and you hoped to God that no one would ask why.

‘Oh the lady likes it rough!’ Laughter echoed around you as your heart pounded in your ears, you felt like you were suffocating it was so hot in here, you needed to get out. You tried to look for a back door to escape out of but you couldn’t see anything, you wildly turned back into the house trying to find your way to the front door again but there were so many people. Panic rose as you tried to squeeze through the crowd, tears blurred your vision but no one took any notice of you. Suddenly you felt a strong arm around your waist, a waft of cologne and worn leather and you were dragged through the crowd and out of the front door. You took a deep breath as the cold air flowed over your bare skin. Damn this, damn Zorii and her bloody party you coughed as you tried to bring your heart rate down. 

‘Are you alright?’ You whipped round completely forgetting that someone had helped you out of there, he had a mass of black curls and kind brown eyes, he was in a plain cream shirt and jeans with a worn brown leather jacket. 

‘Oh yeah, thank you for helping me, I never thought I’d get out of there.’ You shivered and wrapped your arms around yourself without a word he slipped off his jacket and went to put it round you. ‘Oh no I couldn’t!’ He frowned slightly.

‘Why not?’

‘Because then you’ll be cold.’ You said meekly but he ignored you anyway and placed his jacket over your shoulders, you slipped your arms into it and breathed in the rich scent of him as it rose up from the leather. ‘Thank you.’ 

‘Y/N?’ You dragged your eyes away from him as Rii came out the front door. 

‘Over here!’ She strode over and you noted the expression on her face as she eyed the guy in front of you, it wasn’t too friendly.

‘Poe,’ she practically spat at him and your eyes widened. The Poe? The Poe Dameron that cut off their budding relationship because he had feelings for someone else Poe? That Poe? 

‘Zorii.’ He stiffened slightly as he saw her coming towards you. 

‘Come on, let’s go. I suddenly lost my vibe.’ Rii carried on walking and you went to hand his jacket back, quite reluctantly as it was warm and it smelled so good. He held up a hand in refusal.

‘No, keep it. It’s suits you,’ he shot a small smile at you as he walked back into the house and then he was gone. You jogged to catch up with Rii as the snowflakes started to fall from the sky, she turned to say something to you but snapped her mouth shut as she noticed you were still in his jacket. 

‘You ok?’ You knew Rii pretty well and Poe had screwed her up pretty badly at the time, but that was a good couple of years ago now and she hadn’t mentioned him in a while.

‘Let’s get you home.’ She handed you your phone as she dialled for a taxi, luckily it was still early and it was there in no time. The short journey back to your flat was quiet and you felt awkward, she was clearly annoyed because she’d seen Poe but why wasn’t she saying anything? When the taxi pulled up you paused before you got out. 

‘You want to come in?’ She shook her head and gave you a quick smile.

‘No I’ve got to get back anyway as Finn is home tonight.’ Of course, she was having Christmas with Finn. 

‘Ok, thanks for trying to cheer me up.’

‘What are friends for.’ She said softly before turning back to look out of the window. You frowned as the taxi drove away but as you turned to walk into your building all thoughts of Rii and Poe flew out of your mind. It was 9pm Christmas Eve and you were about to spend all of it, alone. 


	3. Christmas

You slowly trudged up the stairs each step resonating in your ears as they brought you closer and closer to your front door. You swallowed nervously as you slid the key in the lock and once again let the door swing open to absolute silence. The street light from outside cast a weird orange glow over the sofa and it reflected off the tinsel on the Christmas tree throwing glittery spots on the wall.   
Dread filled you as you slipped in and closed the door softly behind you. The silence was deafening, your pulse raced as you stared into the darkness. You didn’t want to be here, it was too quiet, too empty, too cold and completely devoid of him. You slowly slid the heels off and felt the dress rise up your thighs once again, you growled in annoyance as you threw Poe’s jacket off and yanked the dress over your head. It took a lot of wiggling on the spot but you finally freed yourself and threw the damn thing over the sofa. You gently picked up the jacket marvelling at how soft and supple the leather was, this was a well worn well loved jacket, you needed to get it back to him as soon as you could. You hung it up carefully and shivered as you just stood there in your underwear, rubbing your arms you made your way to the bedroom. You could feel yourself faltering but you needed clothes, you rushed in and slammed the wardrobe doors and draws shut. You winced at the noise and you stood there for a few seconds your heart in your throat, but nothing bad happened and you exhaled slowly. 

You pulled your draw open and grabbed a fleecy top and some pyjama bottoms, you went to shut the draw but paused when you spied a black T-shirt that didn’t belong in there. You reached out, your hand trembling slightly as you brushed your finger tips over the soft fabric, you knew exactly what this was. It was Ben’s favourite shirt, he wore it all the time but so did you, every time you saw it abandoned you would wear it to bed because it smelled like him and he loved seeing you his clothes. Slowly you pulled it out, the picture of Darth Vader and the Star Wars wording was faded but neither of you had cared. You fisted your hand in the material and brought it to your face, the smell of him unlocked something inside you, something you’d been holding back all day. The tears came but you sobbed so hard you felt like you were breaking in the middle, no sound came out as you opened your mouth to try and breathe, but you couldn’t draw it in, your lungs refused to expand until suddenly they did with a gargantuan effort and a sob ripped your throat loudly as you looked up at the ceiling. You turned and fell onto the bed clawing your way up to his pillow and burying your face into it you screamed. You screamed so hard you could feel the blood rushing to your head as you put all your heart break behind it. You collapsed on your side still sobbing and aching for him, you missed the way he held you at night, the way he whispered that he loved you into your ear, his facial hair tickling you just right. You missed the way he threw his heavy arm over you as you slept and snuggled into your back. You rolled over again and screamed into his pillow one more time before you finally let sleep and exhaustion take over. 

25th December. 

You had a restless sleep, the cold light of the day was shining through your window and you had no idea what time it was. In all honesty you didn’t care, you could feel how cold the air was in the flat and you wondered when the heating would bother to click on. Sadness pricked you as you moved slightly and you could smell him on your duvet, again your thoughts wandered to him, what was he doing?  Where was he? You rolled onto your back to stare at the ceiling but you knew you’d have to get up soon as your bladder was protesting.   
You heard a ping from the living room and remembered that Rii had given you your phone back and that was enough to get you out of bed. After you had finished in the bathroom you heard the creak as your heating clicked on and hot water flooded the system your flat was small it never took long to warm up. You padded across the smooth wooden floor into the kitchen, you needed coffee, the sound of your coffee machine sounded like a machine gun in the stillness and you winced slightly. You grabbed your little bag and drew your phone out, you clicked on the notification:

**Merry Christmas**

**Ben**

You stared at the screen the words burning themselves into your eyes at the audacity of him. Merry Christmas?! Merry  _fucking_ Christmas? With a yell you threw the phone away from you and it smacked into the wall, bounced off the counter and landed with an ominous crunch on the floor. Your heart was racing and you just felt pure anger towards him, who did he think he was? You were not going to let him fuck with you like this. You slammed your coffee down and stalked over to the Christmas tree spying that decoration you had made. It was beautiful, a glass bauble that had been hand painted by someone you knew, but it had his name on it and you wanted him to hurt. Your hand closed around it as you squeezed it, rage coiled up inside your chest and you smashed your fist down onto your coffee table smashing the precious decoration in your hand. You gasped, the glass sliced your fingers and blood started to flow steadily from the small wounds. 

‘Shit.’ You slowly opened your hand and tried to pluck out as much glass as you could, you didn’t care about the pain it took away your anger and you were grateful for that. You grabbed some kitchen roll and wrapped your hand up but it made it awkward to clean up the glass and you cursed and slumped back on the sofa. A knock on the door made you jump and you froze not knowing who it could be. It was Christmas Day? Who would be out on Christmas Day to come and see you? They knocked again more softly this time and you got up to answer. You swung it open and was faced with one of the last people you expected to see. He stood there, his luscious dark hair all curly and dusted with snowflakes, he had a black soft fabric coat on and a scarf wrapped round his neck.

‘Oh hi Poe.’ The blush crept up your cheeks as you realised what you must look like, your hair was a mess your face was still wrecked from crying last night and had makeup smeared all over it and you were in baggy over sized pyjamas with blood stained kitchen roll round your hand. 

‘Hi,’ his eyes danced as they took you in but then he frowned in concern as he saw your hand.

‘Did you come for your jacket? Are you this way for Christmas?’ You flinched as he grabbed your wrist his hand warm against your skin.

‘What did you do?’ You swallowed feeling panicked that he was touching you, no one ever touched you, you were Ben’s. 

‘Oh I erm.... had an accident with a bauble.’ He began to unwrap the kitchen roll and you breathed in sharply realising it hurt more than you thought. 

‘This needs bandaging, do you have a first aid kit?’ 

‘Oh what, no I’ll be ok,’ but he was already walking into your flat shrugging his coat off not taking his eyes away from your hand. He shut the door with his foot and he tenderly took hold of your hand again before looking up at you expectantly, any more protests you had died on your tongue as his warm brown eyes locked with yours. ‘The bathroom cupboard.’ He nodded and made sure you were seated before he strode off to find the kit. You felt flustered, your heart was beating faster than normal at the entire situation. He came back and emptied the kit onto the side.

‘This is well stocked.’ 

‘Yeah Ben always kept it full up...’ your eyes widened and the way you had just slipped him into the conversation.

‘Where is he? Is he on his way?’ You flinched but you weren’t sure if it was because Poe was making sure your cuts were free of glass or if he just assumed Ben was on his way. He looked up when you struggled to respond but you could feel it crashing down on you again, his absence. The black hole of despair yawned wider and before you could stop yourself you hiccuped a sob as hot tears welled out of your eyes. Poe froze obviously not realising what he had said to cause this reaction. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean....’ you shook your head trying to get a grip on yourself and also to tell him it wasn’t his fault. You took a shuddery breath and exhaled roughly. 

‘No it’s not you,’ you said thickly. ‘He left.’ Just the way how you said it left no doubt in everyone’s mind that he had left for good. Poe returned his attention to your hand and he began to wrap each finger individually.

‘I’m sorry.’ He murmured. You sniffed and chuckled around your tears.

‘No I’m sorry! I only met you yesterday you must think I’m such a troll.’ He raised an eyebrow.

‘I certainly do not.’ He carried on wrapping your fingers and an odd sense of peace washed over you as you zoned out, or maybe you were just that exhausted. ‘There, done.’ You flexed your fingers slightly, there was some movement and some pain but it was usable. He grabbed all the bloody kitchen roll and the bandage rubbish and stuck it in your bin and went to wash his hands. You stared at your hand, it was so neat, he’d clearly done this before. 

‘You’re so good at this, I don’t want to ruin it.’ He chuckled softly as he dried his hands.

‘I’m a mechanic the amount of hand injuries I’ve come across in my time is phenomenal, my own and other peoples.’ 

‘There is just one problem.’ 

‘Oh?’ You bit your bottom lip nervously.

‘I er, need a shower.’

‘Oh, yeah you can’t get it wet,’ you watched as he pondered briefly before opening the cupboard under your sink and pulling out a packet of rubber gloves. ‘Not ideal but it’s all I can think of.’

‘It’s more than what I would have thought of.’ He slid the packet over to you and then stood there in awkward silence. You could feel the need to say something but you had no idea what, your mind raced as the silence stretched out between you. ‘What are your plans for today?’ You almost yelled as it burst out of you in a rush. 

‘Oh, actually nothing, my family are out of town, I was just wandering nearby and I thought I could pick up my jacket.’

‘Can you cook?’ His head snapped up to look at you and his eyes flashed as a lopsided grin spread over his face.

‘Yes I can very well, if I say so myself,’ you grabbed the gloves and slipped off the stall you were sitting on. 

‘Prove it, I’m off to have a shower, there’s a Christmas dinner in the fridge that won’t cook itself.’ You grinned as you turned your back and disappeared into the bathroom. You caught sight of yourself in the mirror, your eyes red and stained with black mascara, you could clearly see where the tears had traveled down your face and you were pretty sure your bedding hadn’t faired much better. You turned the shower on and slipped your hand into a rubber glove, you knew the rubber was going to cause havoc with your hair but you managed to get your hair and face clean with just one hand.   
You stepped out and wrapped yourself in a towel, your hand paused on the door knob as you heard the banging of pans in the kitchen. Shit, you didn’t bring any clothes in with you and if he turned round at the wrong moment he’d see you darting into your bedroom. Your blood ran cold as you just stood there not knowing what to do. You’d never had someone here that you didn’t know it had always been Ben, and you were so safe with Ben, but Ben was gone. 

‘Y/N?’ You jumped a step backwards, Jesus he sounded so close. 

‘Yep?’ You winced at how strangled your voice sounded. 

‘You don’t seem to have much veg.’ 

‘Try the bottom draw in the freezer.’

‘Ok.’ You heard him moving away and you took that moment to race from the bathroom to the bedroom slamming the door behind you with a bit more force than you intended. Your heart hammered in your chest and you stood there for a moment just gathering yourself, it was such an unusual feeling having to hide in your own flat but then you’d been with Ben so long the whole situation was unusual. You busied yourself getting dressed in jeans and a top, you dried your hair and finally you began to feel a bit more human, you grabbed your slippers and chunky cardigan before facing Poe in the kitchen. He had laid two places on the island, each place had a glass of Prosecco bubbling next to it. You slipped onto a stall as he chopped the fresh veg and dumped it in the steamer, the turkey crown and potatoes were already cooking in the oven. 

‘Looks good,’ commented as you took a sip out of your glass. He smiled at you as he put the last of the veg in the steamer. 

‘I picked this up.’ He gently slid your phone over to you and your face fell as you saw the smashed screen. 

‘Oh, I forgot about that.’ You plastered a fake smile on your face as you stared at it, you weren’t even sure if it would work. ‘Oh well,’ you said dismissively as you downed the rest of the Prosecco. ‘The food smells amazing, not sure it would have if I had cooked it.’ You said in an attempt to change the topic. 

‘I’m sure it would have.’

‘Did you find everything ok?’ He smiled as he pulled the Prosecco out of the fridge to refill your glass. 

‘It’s a small kitchen, and it’s laid out very logically.’ You pulled a face, another observation on Ben’s influence in the flat. He was such a tidy neat freak everything had its place. You watched as he poured the bubbling liquid into your glass. ‘Thank you.’ You looked up at him in surprise but he refused to meet your eyes. ‘I wasn’t looking forward to spending Christmas on my own.’ 

‘No one wants to be alone at Christmas, it hadn’t really dawned on me until last night that I would be alone today.’

‘When did he...?’

‘23rd, I got a text while I was at work, came home and he was gone.’ He sighed and rubbed his face with a large hand as he looked at you with pity in his eyes.

‘I am so sorry. Men like that give us a bad name.’ You shrugged and gulped down some more Prosecco hoping it would press down on the rising feeling of abandonment threatening to break free of your throat. You stared at the cooker wanting to scream and cry, stamp your feet and break more things, things you had bought together. The Prosecco left a bitter taste in your mouth but you downed the glass anyway. 

‘But, it’s Christmas so let’s put some tunes on and be fucking Merry.’ He leant across the counter for his glass.

‘Cheers to being fucking Merry!’ He said as your glasses clinked together.

He was so easy to talk to, he didn’t ask any awkward questions and boy he could cook, you had moved onto the gin and wondered if that was a wise idea but it was Christmas and you actually didn’t care. He was funny and made you laugh a lot, you never really got to talk to other men because of how possessive Ben was over you. _Correction_. Had been. You were both sat on the sofa watching some god awful Christmas movie that made no sense and had more plot holes than Swiss cheese. 

‘Dude, she’s in love with a ghost?’ 

‘I know right it makes zero sense!’ You rolled your eyes and giggled, you were filled with a warm fuzzy feeling as you stretched your legs out and put them over his lap. It took a few seconds to register what you’d done, you could feel his thigh muscles tense under your legs and you snatched them back accidentally trailing them against his stomach horror filling you as his eyes widened slightly. ‘Oh god I’m sorry! It’s just habit...’ a habit you had with Ben. You pulled your legs as close as you could hugging them to you.

‘It’s ok,’ he said as he shifted his position rearranging his jeans quickly and looking at the tv screen. You nodded now feeling miserable that you had ruined such a nice day, the silence stretched between you as the colours on the tv screen blurred together. The tears fell and you did nothing to stop them, it wasn’t until you sniffed slightly and wiped your face that he looked at you, the motion of your movements catching his attention. Before you could react he had slid towards you gathering you up against his warm chest. You stopped like a rabbit in headlights as he gently cradled you to him, the gesture was so sweet and tender you could feel yourself beginning to shake and before you knew it the flood gates had opened again, you fisted your hands into his top as you sobbed.

‘I’m sorry!’ You gasped loudly but he just held you tighter. Slowly the wave subsided and you pulled away from him. ‘Oh Jesus I’m a mess I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t apologise. You’re allowed to feel these things, what happened to you was awful.’ 

‘I just thought he was the one you know? Ten years we’ve been together not a single doubt in my mind that whole time he made me feel loved and that I was his and his alone, I felt so safe,’ you covered your face and took a deep breath in and out. He rubbed your back as you leant forward on the sofa. ‘Bet you didn’t expect your Christmas to turn out like this did you?’ You mumbled.

‘No I didn’t, and it’s been the best Christmas I’ve had in a long time!’

‘Really?’ You detested the little plea sound in your voice but he was being so nice and you felt you didn’t deserve it. His shoulder bumped yours as he nudged you slightly. 

‘Yes,’ he said softly his gin tainted breath fanning over your face. ‘Really.’ You felt your heart pounding and it sounded like a roaring was in your ears as you looked deeply into his brown eyes that were flecked with hazel, you saw his pupils dilate and you felt your self tipping forward your eyes drawn to his plush, slightly parted lips.   
‘I should be going.’ You jerked back at how loud his voice was even though he was talking at normal volume, you reeled slightly at the flood of heat you felt over your body it had been a while since you reacted like that with anyone other than...other than Ben. ‘Thanks so much for such great company.’ You stood up as he shrugged his coat on and you couldn’t help butnotice how tight it was on his shoulders when he did it up, he wrapped his scarf round his neck before bringing his eyes up to yours. 

‘Thanks for cooking such a delectable feast.’ He looked over at the kitchen his face falling slightly as he looked at the mess. 

‘I can’t leave this all for you to deal with, not with only one good hand.’

‘Yes you can honestly it will give me something to do. My left hand needs all the practice it can get.’ Tension filled the air, did you hug him? You wanted to hug him but that was possibly the gin talking. He threw a dazzling smile at you and backed towards the door.

‘If you’re sure, I mean I hate cleaning at the best of times.’

‘Get out of here or I will make you help me!’ He held his hands up in defeat as he stepped out of the flat.

‘Bye then, Merry Christmas.’ 

‘Merry Christmas Poe.’ You leant on the door frame as he disappeared down the stairs and you pushed the door shut. Silence. Instantly it bothered you, you did not do well on your own, you could feel it pounding on your brain as you made a start on cleaning the kitchen. You went to swipe a napkin off the side when some writing caught your attention: 

**07785657754**

**For when your phone is fixed.**

**Poe**

You folded it and put it in your bag, this was a number you didn’t want to lose. 


	4. Pathetic

26th December 

You had stayed up most of the night finishing off another bottle of gin and taking down the Christmas decorations, no one needed that shit still up. Your front door opening and closing loudly jolted you awake and you bolted off the sofa, stumbling against the coffee table. The world spun and you felt nauseous, you clutched your stomach as your eyes fell on who had walked into the apartment, they raked over his long dark hair, his wide shoulders, broad chest and thick arms which all strained against his jacket and t-shirt, his brown eyes darted over the space as he took in the messy scene before him. Your chest felt tight and it was like you had forgotten how to breathe, you backed away from him your eyes wide, wondering if you were hallucinating. His eyes rested on you as you tripped over the base of the Christmas tree and crashed into the wall. He went to step forward to help you but seemed to stop himself. 

‘What the _fuck_!’ You gasped loudly. ‘Why are you  here ?’ 

‘Honestly, I didn’t think you’d be here,’ his deep voice rolled over you and your body responded instantly, the heat rolled up from your core and you pressed yourself against the wall the feeling was so  _intense_ .

‘Where have you been?’ You demanded as all the questions you wanted answering started tumbling out of your mouth. ‘Where did you spend Christmas? Who have you been with? What happened? Why Ben, _fucking why?_ A text, while I’m at work! You’re a fucking coward!’ You were screaming now your face twisted with rage as you clenched your fists, pain shot up from your bandaged hand but you ignored it. 

‘What did you do to your...’

‘Answer my fucking questions.’ You had rowed with Ben before but you’d never been this angry, you’d always given in to him in the end or seen the apparent error of your ways but not this time. You weren’t in the wrong.

‘God damn it Y/N you weren’t supposed to be here!’ He raised his voice running a hand through his hair. 

‘Well how unfuckinglucky for you. Because here I am demanding fucking answers!’ 

‘I’m not doing this.’ He headed for the door and your heart leapt as adrenaline shot through your limbs, you bounded across the living space catching the door before it closed.

‘Don’t fucking walk away from me!’ He spun around and grabbed your arm, his large hand was tight around your upper arm as he tried to haul you back to the flat. ‘Ow let go of me Ben that fucking _hurts_!’ 

‘Shut your vulgar mouth!’ He snarled right in your face making you take a step back in brief shock. ‘You’re making a scene.’ 

‘Damn right I am! Because you won’t answer my fucking questions!’ His face was hard as he grabbed you and shoved you back into the flat, he released you like he’d been burned and you stumbled falling onto the hard floor your bandaged hand giving way under you causing your face to make contact with the floorboards. You looked up at him with fear in your eyes as he advanced on you his finger jabbing violently in your face.

‘You disgust me, I don’t know why I stayed with you so damn long! That’s why I left. I found someone better than you, someone who doesn’t make me feel like shit all the time!’ You couldn’t contain the whimper that left your mouth as you scrabbled to get away from him, tears filled your eyes as the pain blossomed in your chest at his words. Your lip trembled and you felt like you were shattering into a million pieces inside. He’d found someone else? You _disgusted_ him? He crouched down in front of you his coat gently brushing the floor as he rocked on his heels, his expression cold. ‘You’re pathetic.’ You felt yourself crumble at those words and you sobbed as he grabbed your face, genuine fear gripping you. ‘ _Pathetic_ .’ 

‘ _Hey_! What the fuck are you doing?’ Ben released you and turned to look at Rii and Finn who were standing in your doorway absorbing the fraught situation you were both in before them. You managed to heave yourself up using the counter and Ben rose sharply before leaving, barging past them both without a word. Finn went to follow him but Rii stopped him and slammed the door shut before coming over and enveloping you in her arms. You were shaking in her embrace your eyes wide and scared as you stared over her shoulder at the now closed front door. 

‘Has — has he gone?’ You choked, your throat felt sore from screaming at him. Finn looked up at you from where he was looking out of the window so he could see down to the street, his face full of disgust.

‘Yeah he’s gone alright.’ You sagged against Rii as she lead you to the sofa and Finn started packing up the Christmas tree bits that were left. They were your bestest friends in the whole wide world and you felt so grateful for them right now. 

‘Did he do this?’ Rii pointed at your phone and you shook your head. ‘This?’ She held your hand gently as she inspected the bandages.

‘No that was all me, Christmas Day.’ 

‘That explains your radio silence.’ She whipped out her phone and tapped furiously for a few seconds. ‘There I ordered you a new one.’ 

‘Give me your phone I’ll transfer the money over,’ you held out your hand but she shook her head. 

‘It’s a Christmas present and honestly, you need a working phone especially if things like  _that_ happen.’ She watched Finn for a few beats before continuing. ‘You have never mentioned this side of him before.’ You scoffed slightly.

‘I didn’t know he had  that side.’ You sighed feeling slightly more together and you smiled at your best friend so grateful that she was here but she was frowning. 

‘Are you sure? People don’t just turn like that. Not without cause.’ 

‘He said he had found someone else.’ Finn stilled briefly but long enough for you to notice, your gaze swung round to Rii who was staring intently at the wall. ‘You know something,’ you whispered. Rii shook her head and got off the sofa. ‘Yes, yes you do don’t fucking lie to me what do you know?’ 

‘Is this a good idea?’ Your attention snapped back to Finn. 

‘What is going on can someone tell me please??’ 

‘Rii, don’t.’ You looked between them as they exchanged loaded glances before Rii sighed and looked at you.

‘He is with Rey.’ Finn cursed and began to drag the tree to the cupboard, the scraping noise on the floor set your teeth on edge as you furiously tried to remember where you had heard Rey’s name before.  _Rey, Rey_.. .. multi coloured lights flashed in your mind and Poe’s face rose to the surface, the house, the party, the girl in the fridge.  _Rey_ .

‘How long?’ Rii spread her hands.

‘I honestly don’t know.’ 

‘How long Rii?’  You snarled at her, you needed an answer, you needed to know if he’d cheated on you, and with one of your best friends friends no less. Rii deflated before your eyes as her shoulders dropped in defeat. 

‘Months. I’m not sure how long exactly and I only found out yesterday, but it’s been months.’ Her voice drowned out as the roaring in your ears came back, the black hole gaped before you and you could feel yourself falling into the darkness. He’d been cheating on you and you had no idea. The  betrayal , it snaked around your insides making you feel sick, swiftly followed by boiling anger. ‘I’m sorry I tried to tell you but your phone.....and it was Christmas I didn’t want to make it worse for you,’ she pleaded.

‘Get out.’ 

‘Oh come on Y/N I had no...’

‘I said GET OUT!’ She stepped back as you screamed at her, she looked surprised and visibly upset but you didn’t notice. You were too wrapped up in your own bubbling emotions. Finn grabbed her bag and led her to the door, you didn’t watch them leave, you didn’t care if you’d upset her, they knew and they didn’t tell you. They knew he was fucking someone else. 

Seething you jumped up from the sofa and marched into the bedroom, the first thing you did was rip the covers off the bed, the sound of material breaking tore through the air and it gave you a feeling of satisfaction. You roughly opened your draw and took out his t shirt, tears threatened to fall but you swallowed them down, you had done enough crying over that man. You marched into the kitchen to look for your scissors but they weren’t in the draw, you made a noise of frustration and grabbed a knife instead. You slashed at the soft material until only rags were left in your hands and you watched as the fabric confetti drifted to the floor. Take that  _fucker_ .


	5. Coffee and Chinese

You stared at the computer screen the numbers all congealing into one massive blob as your eyes refused to focus. 

It had been three weeks since you had found out about Ben and Rey. 

Three weeks since you had spoken to Rii.

  
Three weeks and you were still so fucking angry. 

You had the locks changed on your apartment so he couldn’t come and go as he pleased anymore, but still there was that worry at the back of your mind. You looked at the clock on the computer, it was coming up to your lunch break and you needed to get out of this hell hole office. Ronan opened the door and slumped at his desk.

‘Are they out for blood today?’ You asked dryly. 

‘You have no idea,’ he groaned. ‘They are still trying to return shit from Christmas saying it was broken when they got it blah blah.’

‘The customer is always right Ronan.’

‘Well they can suck my dick.’ You chuckled, the general public were certainly entertaining. 

‘It’s my lunch break, you want anything?’ 

‘Just my usual ta.’ You grabbed your bag and gathered up the paperwork you were supposed to be inputting into the database and dumped it on his desk. 

‘Here you go, this will keep you busy.’

‘Oh fuck sake.’ You spread your hands as you backed out of the office.

‘It’s either that or customers! See you in an hour!’ He made a rude hand gesture at you as the door swung shut, Ronan certainly made your days brighter. You left the shop casting an eye over the staff before you ducked out, you loved your job but recently it had lost its sparkle. The money was ok and you knew the job inside out but you felt like you needed to rock the boat and you weren’t sure why.  


As you walked along with your head down you suddenly body slammed into someone, anger clouded your face as you went to tell them to watch where the fuck they were going but the rebuke died on your lips as you looked up into the amused chocolate brown eyes of Poe Dameron.

‘You were gonna tell me off then weren’t you?’ A cheeky smile played on his face and you became acutely aware that he had his hands on your shoulders to steady you.

‘Actually, yes I was.’ He grinned properly now his hands still on your shoulders even though they didn’t need to be anymore.

‘I saw you, I just assumed you’d see me. Anyway,’ to your disappointment he removed his hands. ’You never contacted me after Christmas.’ He did a little pout and your gaze honed in on it, you instantly wondered what it would be like to suck that lip while he.... 

_Concentrate_ .

‘Shit went down on Boxing Day and to be honest I haven’t spoken to anyone,’ you felt a twinge of sadness and you were disgusted with how pitiful you sounded. 

‘You want to talk now?’ His face was genuinely concerned as he looked at you, his brow was furrowed accenting his frown lines, he had dark stubble coming through and it gave him a ruggedly handsome look. His dark curly hair flopped over his forehead and you just wanted to brush it out of the way and trail your fingers through it, he had his black fabric coat on that he wore to yours Christmas Day with the same scarf. Not many men could pull off a scarf but he could. 

‘Yeah, actually I’d really like that.’ His expression completely changed and you couldn’t help but smile with him, he gently put a hand on your back and guided you to the nearest coffee shop, even after he removed his hand you could still feel the imprint in the small of your back and you liked it. 

Once you got your coffees you both sat down at a little table, your knees brushed together briefly until you leant on the table and tucked yours under your chair, giving him room to accommodate his long legs. But really you just wanted to keep your legs where he could touch them all day long.  
 _No, not today,_ you told yourself as you started to explainwhat happened on Boxing Day, you tried to skip over the part with Ben but he instantly knew you weren’t telling the whole story. His expression grew dark as he listened to the rest. 

‘So that was my Boxing Day.’ You anxiously took a sip of your coffee as he glanced out of the window. You twiddled the cup in your hands, this was it you’d gone too far with your baggage and your information overload, he was going to smile and say goodbye and that would be that. You could feel the anxiety rising as you waited for him to say something, why you were so concerned about his opinion you didn’t know. 

‘Next time, call me,’ his voice was slightly deeper and he leant towards you as he tried to get across how serious he was being. ‘If anything happens like that again. You. Call. Me.’ You felt a rush of gratitude towards him as his brown eyes magnetised to yours, you nodded slightly feeling too overwhelmed to speak for a moment. 

‘How — how was the rest of your Christmas?’ You managed to strangle out. He shrugged and sat back in his seat.

‘All I could think about was the day before and what fun I had with you.’ His words made you blush and you tried to hide behind your cup as thought of a reply. 

‘Well you know where I live.’ His eyebrows rose as he looked at you, a playful smile on his handsome face. 

‘You’re right, I do.’ You spied the clock on the wall and your heart sunk a little.

‘Oh blast look at the time, I’ve got to give Ronan his break. Thanks for the chat Poe I really needed it.’ You whipped a pen out of your pocket and scribbled your number on his hand, as you wrote you realised how close his face was as he watched you, his long fingers flexed slightly in your grasp and you imagined them cupping your face as he kissed you. God his hands were so warm, you felt your mind wandering, imagining what it would feel like to have them all over your body as he....

‘Write your name.’ He said softly.

‘Hmmm?’ You looked up and the sound of the coffee shop faded away as you stared into his eyes, you subconsciously bit your lip and his gaze was dragged down to your mouth. You could see each individual eyelash on his lowered lids and you nearly groaned as his eyes connected with yours once more.

‘Write your name, I get so many women giving me their phone numbers I’ll get confused about who’s who.’ You smacked him on the shoulder the background noise returning with a rush.

‘I’m off. Laters Dameron,’ you walked away, you desperately wanted to look back as you could feel his eyes on you the entire length of the café but your insides felt like jelly and you didn’t want to fall over or make a fool of yourself while he was so intently watching you. The cold air stung your face slightly as you headed back to the shop and you couldn’t stop the stupid grin growing on your face. You practically bounded back into the office.

‘Where’s my food?’ 

‘Oh shit Ronan I am so sorry I got a little...sidetracked.’ 

‘You’re blushing.’ 

‘No no it’s just cold outside.’ You avoided his gaze as he got up from the chair that stupid smile still on your face. 

‘I haven’t seen a smile that big in ages. Who the hell is he? Or her!’ You fanned yourself with a piece of paper debating what to tell him. ‘Actually I don’t want to know, it’s clearly still new,’ he winked as he grabbed his jacket. ‘Don’t daydream all day, we’ve still got work to do.’ You whacked him on the back with the stack of paper you’d collected as he left the office. You felt giddy, flushed and all confused at the same time, this was only the third time you had met him but he was just so easy to get along with, he came across as good natured and understanding and you _craved_ that. You slid into your chair shoving all the paperwork aside, you couldn’t concentrate as your mind just replayed the way he looked up at you as you wrote on his hand, his plush lips and his stubble, you just wanted to drag your finger nails down it as you kissed him. 

‘Good god Y/N. Get a grip!’ You said out loud giving yourself a shake. Ronan was right there was work to be done. 

You sighed as you dragged your tired self into the flat, you kicked off your shoes not caring where they landed and collapsed on the sofa with a groan. You hated people, the draining, negative, miserable general public. You glanced over at the kitchen wishing food would just magically appear but no, the cooker stayed dark and lifeless. You fell back onto the sofa and stared at the ceiling as you mulled over getting a take away. 

Yes another take away. 

Don’t judge. 

Your phone pinged and you grabbed it thinking it was work when in fact, it was Poe. You smiled and your stomach did a little flip as you clicked on the notification.

**What you up to? It’s Poe.**

**Just got in from work, contemplating a takeaway as my cooker doesn’t take verbal commands!**

**What do you fancy?** You stared at his reply biting your lip as you really wanted to write YOU. But you couldn’t, believe it or not you were too shy. 

**Maybe a Chinese I haven’t decided.**

You got up and padded to the bathroom, you cast nervous glances at your phone but he didn’t reply and you couldn’t help but feel a little sad. You dragged your hair up into a ponytail and changed out of your work clothes chucking on yesterday’s creased pyjamas as you just intended to flop down in front of the telly and eat shit. You picked up your phone to text him again, but you thought against it and put it down. 

Fuck sake what were you doing? You were like a love sick needy teenager. You knew nothing about this man yet here you were simping after him. A knock at the door scattered your thoughts, you pulled it open.

‘Surprise!’ Poe stood there looking as good as he did this afternoon surrounded by the delicious smell of Chinese food. ‘I brought food,’ he said as he brushed past you, your mind was still reeling about the fact that he was here, and you were dressed like a tramp. Again. You closed the door and walked to the kitchen but it felt like your feet were gliding across the floor as you stood next him and began to help unpack the food. ‘Ok, so I got chicken chow mein, spring rolls, prawn toast, crispy chilli chicken, egg fried rice, ribs and prawn crackers.’

‘Wow Poe you didn’t have to do this. They deliver you know.’ He made a sarcastic noise as he shrugged his coat off, you grabbed some plates and you both began to unpack the food, easily moving in unison like you’d been doing this together for years. 

‘You’ve been working hard, besides I still owed you for Christmas dinner.’

‘How did you know what I liked?’ He winced slightly.

‘Well I didn’t, so I got what I liked and hoped you liked the same.’ You smiled and shook your head everything here you could eat for the rest of your life. It was all your favourite. 

‘Good choices Dameron, good choices.’ You both loaded up your plates and went to sit on the sofa together, it was just so easy, slipping into this companionship mode with him, he made you feel so comfortable.

‘No dodgy Christmas films anymore.’ He commented.

‘No, what about something on Netflix?’ His eyes widened and he waved his hand at the telly pointing a finger until he’d swallowed his mouthful of food. 

‘Have you seen The Witcher?’ 

‘No,’ you hesitated slightly as it sounded like something Ben used to play on the Xbox and you’d been avoiding anything that reminded you of him recently. 

‘Oh god it’s so good. Plus who doesn’t like Henry Cavill? Put it on you won’t regret it.’ You shrugged, you liked to see his excitement over something so small as showing you his favourite programme, and he was kind enough to bring the best Chinese food least you could do was let him watch something on the tv. You watched the episode with interest as the leader actor was some pretty nice eye candy, Poe was right. You glanced at him as he ate a spare rib, you couldn’t help yourself as you watched his lips suck and nibble the meat off the bone wishing he would nip and suck on you _just like that_ and then he licked his god damn fingers individually. Your eyes snapped back to the tv but you weren’t seeing it anymore, you could just see yourself on your knees sucking the sauce off his fingers as he looked at you his eyes half closed as you palmed his....

‘You want to watch the next one?’ Poe’s voice cut through your thoughts and you were so grateful it was dark because you were blushing furiously right now. 

‘Oh, yeah sure. That was good.’ He grinned at you.

‘Knew you’d like it.’ 

‘You want a drink?’ You asked as you got up, you needed to cool off in the kitchen. 

‘Yeah a gin if you’ve got any.’

‘What are you insinuating?’

‘I saw you pack away nearly half a bottle at Christmas.’

‘With your help!’ You called back as you reached for the glasses. 

‘Touché.’ You mixed the drinks slowly as you tried to drag your brain out of the gutter. 

The Poe Dameron gutter, but you were drowning in images and you could feel the need between your legs. You pressed your thighs together but that just made the situation worse. You handed him a glass, his long fingers brushed against yours and both your gazes met, you almost forgot to withdraw your hand releasing the glass to his grip. You sat down and drunk your drink in one go, you were starting to feel jittery now as the lust curled up from your core. You’d completely lost track of what was happening on the tv and you couldn’t eat anymore food, you felt tense, fully aware of how close he was to you, his elbow brushed against yours as he placed his plate on the coffee table and slouched back onto the sofa. He rested his left ankle on his knee and your eyes widened as he put an arm along the back of the sofa behind you. 

He wasn’t touching you but he was there. 

My god, he was just  _there_ . 

Your lips parted as your pulse raced and images came thick and fast through your mind. You needed to get a grip on yourself and fast. 

‘You want some more drink?’ You nodded and made an odd agreeable noise in your throat as he placed a hand on your shoulder when he stood up. 

_Shitshitshitshit_ . He needed to leave or you were going to end up in bed with him and you weren’t ready for that. 

  
Nowhere near ready. 

He handed you a full glass and sat down next to you, you jumped slightly as his hip grazed yours through your stupidly thin pyjamas. Your heart was beating so loud you were sure he could hear it, your hands felt clammy and you sat up to wipe it on your leg. You tensed as you felt his arm behind you, your breathing now ragged as you tried to get yourself under control. Slowly his hand slid into your hair and you nearly moaned out loud as he teased it gently. 

_Fuckfuckfuck_ that felt so amazing it took all of your power not to relax totally into his arms. Finally the credits rolled up and you practically leapt off the sofa grabbing the plates and waddling into the kitchen. You were so wet you hoped it hadn’t leaked through your pyjamas because that wasn’t an attractive look. You took a quick breath before turning and slamming into his hard chest. 

‘Oh! What the fuck are you a ninja?’ You exclaimed as you bounced back into the counter. He reached around you and grabbed his coat off the island, his scent rolled over you and you sagged slightly leaning on your elbows, your eyes staring intently at his face. You wanted him to grab you and kiss you fiercely and have you right against the kitchen counter but your brain was screaming somewhere that you shouldn’t. You swallowed harshly as the gin raced through you adding to the giddy feeling not to mention heightening your need for him to be all over you. ‘Thanks so much for the food, you sure you don’t want any money for it?’ your voice was slightly strained and you hoped he hadn’t noticed.

‘No, like I said I owe you.’ He finished wrapping his scarf around his neck when his eyes met yours, the intensity in them was evident as he leaned towards you, your breath hitched as his hand crept up your neck, his thumb on your jaw tilting your face away from him a fraction so he could gently kiss his lips to your cheek. You trembled as his soft lips applied brief pressure sending a tingling sensation through your body and his stubble grazed your skin in the most delicious way, then they were gone, his hand came away from your neck as he headed to the door and you followed him wrapped up in your haze of lust. 

‘Th —thanks for coming.’ You managed to say without choking. 

_But you didn’t cum did you? Oh brain stop!_

‘ Don’t be a stranger,’ he gave you that lopsided grin again as he pulled your front door shut behind him. You shoved your fist in your mouth as your breathing became ragged.  _Fuckfuckfuck_ you wanted him more than you’d wanted anyone in your life, you clutched your neck where he’d touched you as you squeezed your legs together again. You stumbled blindly over to the sofa your hand already past your waistband as you stuck your fingers in your wet heat, his name on your lips as you brought yourself quickly to a mind shattering orgasm. It didn’t do much for the itch but it helped for now.


	6. Barriers

The days slowly rolled into Feb and it had been a couple of weeks since you had seen Poe and you were miserable, his schedule at work meant he was working long hours and his messages were few and far between, but you were ok with that. 

You took breath. _In and out_. 

Ok you weren’t ok with that but it was just something you had to deal with. 

The weather was grey and miserable, the slight snow you’d had over Christmas had long since disappeared. Thankfully though you had reconnected with Zorii and apologised which she accepted and forgave you. You didn’t deserve a friend like her, not really. It was your day off today and you were snuggled under your blanket catching up on His Dark Materials when your phone pinged. A smile grew on your face as you saw it was from Poe:

**Hey, sorry I’ve been MIA! Wondered if you were free for a coffee today as I’m not needed at work? Poe**

You jumped off the sofa and started typing as you headed to the bedroom.

**Sure what time?**

You opened your wardrobe and grabbed a nice top that just happened to have a low neckline, you chose some nice underwear even though you were pretty sure he wouldn’t see it today you still wanted to feel good, you threw some jeans on and went into the bathroom to put on a little bit of makeup.

**Does 10:30 work for you? I’m pretty tired but I really want to see you**

Excitement rolled around your insides at his message and you couldn’t help the grin that spread across your face, he really wanted to see you. 

_Really. Wanted._

‘Get a fucking grip.’ You whispered to yourself as you applied your mascara and ran a brush through your hair. 

**Sure, same place as before?**

**Ok, see you soon**

You wondered if you should have invited him here if he was tired, he could have had a nap after he.... _no._

Not today, you weren’t ready. 

The last time you saw him had been when you had Chinese and he had kissed you so seductively on the cheek, you still played that memory, the way how his hand was on your neck and you were just putty in his hands, the way how his stubble grazed across your skin.... you paused and leant on the door frame as the feeling of desire curled up through your body. The guy was going to be exhausted he probably just wanted a quick chat before he got some decent rest, there was no room for being horny today. You grabbed your coat and bag and headed off to the coffee shop. 

You got there before he did and ordered you both a coffee bagging a small table by the window, you faced the door so you could see him come in, you felt wound up as you waited, almost like you were vibrating with excitement. You fidgeted on your seat and rearranged your top for what felt like the millionth time when you spied him coming through the door and your heart jumped.  
His dark curls were messy as they flopped over his forehead, he had grown his stubble out a bit and honestly you liked it, his brown eyes were instantly drawn to you as you held up his cup of coffee, he made his way across the café not taking his eyes off you even for a second and you felt pinned down by it, your heart fluttered and your pulse raced as he drew closer. And then he was there, in front of you his eyes dancing as he grinned at you, you stood up not sure why maybe you wanted to hug him, sub consciously show off your outfit, you had no idea it just seemed the thing to do. Time suspended as you felt his arm around your waist and all your nerve endings screamed as he pulled you to him and kissed you softly on the cheek, his facial hair was rough on your skin and all you could think in that moment is how it would feel between your legs. Your brain shattered at the thought and you felt lost as he released you to take his coat off. You sat back down in a bit of a heady daze as his cologne washed over you, it smelled amazing and it didn’t help with the uncomfortable feeling between your legs. He sat down with a sigh and you twitched as his legs brushed against yours but you didn’t move yours away this time, his eyes rose to meet your gaze and your brain registered he didn’t move his either. 

‘Hi,’ you breathed, ‘I got you a coffee,’ you stated stupidly and he flashed a grin at you and you felt your stomach do a little jig.

‘Thanks, god knows I need it.’

‘Work been a bit crazy?’ He rubbed his face and you briefly closed your eyes at the scratching sound of his facial hair on his calloused hands because it did things to you and you had no idea  _why_! 

‘You could say that, the helicopters are all grounded with the crappy weather so it’s a great opportunity for maintenance. Well they get checked before every flight but this is taking them apart cleaning them etc etc.’ _Right_ , he said he was a mechanic when he bandaged your hand, you had assumed just a car mechanic but he was worked in aviation. 

‘Do you fly them as well?’ He nodded taking a sip of his coffee.

‘I’m one of the few who does.’ You sighed wistfully and rested your chin on your hand.

‘It must be amazing.’

‘You ever flown before?’ 

‘In a plane, I’ve been on holiday a few times and I love being in the air, but something about being in such a tiny helicopter with windows all around it just sounds other worldly.’ His leg twitched against your knee and you saw his eyes dart down to your cleavage and back up again. The look alone made your stomach clench and you felt your face flush, you took a swig of coffee and you glanced about the coffee shop, remembering you were in public and not just with Poe. 

‘It is pretty incredible maybe I can take you when the weather is better.’ Your head snapped round at his words your face lighting up.

‘Oh wow really?’ 

‘Sure, anything to see that smile again. You want another?’ He pointed to your cup.

‘Yes please.’ You watched him get up and head to the counter your eyes raking shamelessly down his body, noticing the way he filled his jeans so perfectly, this man should be illegal, he just exuded sex appeal and confidence. As you watched someone entered the café that Poe clearly knew, they hugged and slapped each other on the back, you couldn’t hear what they were saying but the new guys eyes instantly sought you out and you lowered your gaze in embarrassment and pretended to be busy with your phone. You weren’t on a date, boys and girls can be friends there was nothing happening here and yet your body screamed otherwise. You took a deep breath as you saw them making their way over laughing about something, the sound of Poe’s rich laugh triggered your insides into another flip. 

‘Hi!’ You looked up at the new guy, he was good looking in his own way, also had brown eyes but the only way you could describe them was kind, you instantly smiled at him because he was just that  _nice_ . 

‘Hi,’ you replied before darting your eyes to Poe awaiting the introduction. 

‘This is my best friend Din, Din this is Y/N.’ Din’s eyes creased as he smiled at you and from the way how they exchanged a glance you suspected Din knew exactly who you were already. 

‘So you’re the one who helped our Poe at Christmas.’ Your head bobbed as you took a sip of coffee.

‘I am, we had a great time, nothing like watching god awful Christmas movies to appease the loneliness.’ They both chuckled.

‘Me and his sister were out of town otherwise he’d have been with us.’ Your eyebrows rose.

‘He has a sister?’ Din nudged Poe and gestured to you.

‘Have you told her nothing?’ With interest you saw a blush appear on Poe’s tanned cheeks. ‘Oh Y/N,’ Din said as he placed a hand on your arm. ‘I will tell you everything.’ You noticed Poe’s eyes shot a dark look at Din’s hand on your arm and it made you feel  _wanted_ . 

You spent the next two hours learning every funny story that Din knew about Poe, you could see why they were friends they were so alike but, not at the same time and they bounced off each other so easily. You hadn’t laughed this much in years and you were pretty sure you were disturbing the other customers with all your bursts of laughter but you didn’t care, you were having a great time. Your eyes darted to Poe as he leaned in his seat, his eyes were drooping slightly and you just wanted to pull him into a hug and let him nap on you. 

‘I think I should be heading off boys,’ Poe sat up and rubbed his face. 

‘Yeah I’m flagging now.’ He stood at the same time as you. ‘You want me to walk you home?’ Your heart froze as his brown eyes looked at you so softly and you wanted to say  yes , oh god you wanted to say yes! But he looked so exhausted. 

‘No it’s ok,’ you said with a slight smile. ‘You should go and get some sleep.’ Din watched the exchange with a glint in his eyes as his gaze swung between you. ‘Din, make sure he gets home.’

‘I will m’lady.’ He stood and pulled you into a bear hug, your eyes locked with Poe’s over Din’s shoulder, his expression changed slightly almost as if he was jealous his friend could do what he couldn’t. Din draped his arm over Poe’s shoulder and lead him away before you could get that kiss on the cheek you so desperately wanted. Poe’s gaze stayed on you until they were out of the door and you had to sit back down to gather yourself for a moment. You instantly felt empty and so alone, but you didn’t want Poe to be a rebound. You had been in a relationship for a long time and two months wasn’t long enough to get over that, to get over the betrayal and the residual heartache that Ben had left behind. 

When you got home you instantly text Zorii to see if she was free to come over and she was, you grabbed a bottle of wine out the fridge and got two glasses. You felt nervous, you wanted to talk to her about Poe as you hadn’t mentioned Christmas or anything to do with him to her and if something happened between you both you didn’t want her to find out too late. You paced as you waited for her to arrive, your palms were clammy and you kept wiping them on your jeans. You felt slightly sick as you didn’t know how she was going to react, Poe had always been a touchy subject with her but it had been years since it all happened and to be honest you weren’t even sure  what had happened. She told you he had feelings for someone else and cut her off completely. 

Better that than what Ben had done. 

A knock at the door made you shiver with dread and you slowly made your way over. 

‘Hey!’ She threw her arms around you and you hugged her back a little too tightly and started babbling.

‘I got your fave wine out of the fridge, I thought we could get take away and watch a film, maybe you could stay over, Rii. Zorii?’ You had opened and began to pour the wine but she was still at the door, you glanced over and noticed she was staring at your coat rack a blank expression on her face. ‘Rii, you ok?’

‘You still have his jacket.’ Your stomach plummeted and fell the three floors to the ground, you’d forgotten it was there in all honesty. 

‘Who’s jacket?’ You tried to come off as natural, as if you didn’t know what she was talking about but your tone was too high.

‘Poe’s jacket. Why do you still have it?’ Excuses flew through your mind, you didn’t have his number, you didn’t know where he lived, you hadn’t seen him.....but they were all lies. You swallowed and poured the other glass of wine, you were going to need it. 

‘Well, I _didn’t_ have any contact details for him so I was going to ask you.’ That wasn’t a lie, you didn’t have any at the time. 

‘He never gives that jacket to anyone. Even I wasn’t allowed to wear it, let alone touch it. But he just  _gave_ it to you.’ 

‘Rii he was just being kind.’ She jammed her coat on a hook and took the glass you offered her but her expression was tormented and she wouldn’t meet your eyes. You felt dejection settle heavily on your shoulders, this wasn’t going as you had hoped. You shifted slightly as you decided to tell her the truth. ‘He came here for Christmas.’ Her eyes widened and she glared at your coffee table refusing to look at you before taking a large gulp of wine. 

‘I’m sorry, what?’ You sat down and she followed.

‘He came here to pick up the jacket, his family were out of town for Christmas and he was just walking by so he thought he’d come and get his jacket.’ She snorted and took another swig of wine. You felt your resolve harden, you weren’t doing anything wrong, if she wasn’t over him that was her problem, plus she had Finn now? ‘Anyway, when I answered the door I had just sliced my hand on that glass bauble and he offered to bandage it for me, then he cooked us dinner and we watched Christmas films, nothing happened it was two alone people  not being _alone_ for Christmas.’ 

‘Have you seen him since?’ You knew that was coming.

‘Yes,’ she flinched slightly, her posture stiff as her blue eyes pierced you with an intense stare. ‘I bumped into him on my lunch break, I hadn’t spoke to anyone about what happened Boxing Day and he was just nice, he got me a coffee and we just talked....and I gave him my number.’ 

‘Right.’ Her tone was clipped and you felt a bolt of anger at her hostility. 

‘And we met today for coffee. I met his friend Din.’ Her eyes bulged.

‘You met Din?’ What you didn’t tell her was the extreme sexual tension that happened whenever you saw him, how you wanted to rip his clothes off and have him where he stood. 

‘Look I know he’s your ex but it’s been a few years and you’ve clearly moved on, I’m just letting you know because I like him. Really like him.’ She put down her empty glass.

‘It’s been less than two months since Ben, what are you doing?’ Rage rose inside you and you gripped your glass tightly. 

‘Yes,’ you said shortly. ‘It hasn’t been long since Ben, but he’s moved on and I need to do the same. Nothing has happened between us and I don’t even know if Poe likes me, but I like him and I’m just letting you know.’ You downed your glass and headed into the kitchen, you couldn’t take her silence, you felt frustrated but ultimately you didn’t want to lose her friendship and you dreaded her asking you to make a choice. Because you’d pick her, of course you would, but it would make you fucking miserable. You watched her out of the corner of your eye as she brought her glass into the kitchen. 

‘Well, you have my blessing.’ 

‘What?’ You weren’t expecting this sudden turn around. 

‘You are right, I have moved on, just whenever I see him that old wound reopens. But you won’t have to worry about him doing that to you.’ She moved away from you and grabbed her coat. 

‘What — Rii you’re making no sense.’ She shot a small smile at you. 

‘It was you.’

‘Me? What was me?’ 

‘When he broke up with me, he broke up with me because he had feelings for  you .’ You gripped the counter tightly as you swayed. Your brain wouldn’t process and you felt frozen. ‘He knew you were with Ben but he said he didn’t feel right being with me and having feelings for someone else. He hasn’t been with anyone since, that I know of.’ You tried to form words but you couldn’t, your lungs ached for a breath that you couldn’t take and your heart felt like it was beating out of your chest. 

‘Zorii,’ you managed to croak out. ‘Is this real?’ 

‘You really like him huh?’ You nodded as the storm of emotions raged through you, you were happy, elated on hearing this but sad for your friend and oh so very nervous. ‘How — how did he know who I was? I never met him before.’ 

‘He saw you, only briefly but a few times he picked me up from here or when we’re out in town. Not sure why I kept him a secret for so long, maybe my gut knew something I didn’t. Literally, one look as you walked up the street to go to work, and he decided....he didn’t even speak to you.’ Bitterness clouded her voice and you felt your heart break a little bit for her. 

‘Why did you stay friends with me?’ 

‘Oh Y/N it wasn’t your fault! You didn’t even know who he was! Why would I blame you? I knew how in love you were with...with  _him_ . I knew you did nothing.’ She shrugged, her eyes shining with tears. ‘Sometimes, very rarely theses things happen. Look, I’m gonna go,’ you went to protest but she stopped you. ‘I need to process, you need to process, and I’m guessing you have someone to text.’ She hugged you quickly before grabbing her bag and leaving. You stood reeling in the kitchen, you felt drunk almost intoxicated with what she’d said but the nerves wracked your body and suddenly you were afraid. Afraid of seeing him, talking to him even texting him. The barrier that was holding you apart had been removed and now there was nothing to stop you and it was scary.Now what do you do?


	7. Resistance

A week passed and still you didn’t text him, you were terrified. The thought of jumping to another relationship alarmed you so much that you had heart palpitations every time he text. You kept the replies brief and tried so hard not to come across flirty or even interested, so much so that you noticed his texts dwindled by the end of the week and it made you so downhearted. You wallowed in self pity shutting yourself away in the office at work and shutting yourself away at home, you knew it wasn’t doing any good for your mental health but you just  _couldn’t_.  You got up, had a coffee, went to work, came home ate a salad went to bed. It was mind numbing and the days trickled by. 

Your phone buzzed, it was your day off and you were just staring at the telly not really paying attention but it was something to do. Your mum was ringing, you felt a pang of regret that you hadn’t really spoken to them or your grandad much recently you’d been so wrapped in yourself you forgot time moved the same for everyone else around you.

‘Hey Mum you ok?’ You sat up sharply when you heard her sniff on the other end. ‘Mum what’s wrong?’

‘ _Oh sweetheart, it’s your grandad_ .’ Your heart thumped as your mind jumped to all the worst conclusions. 

‘ _He took a tumble at the home..._ _._ ’ she stopped and sniffed again. ‘ _Suspected heart attack._ _They couldn’t revive him at the hospital...._ _.’_ your mind imploded as her words rattled in your brain. 

‘What do you mean they couldn’t revive him?’ You could hear her sobbing on the other end of the phone and your hands began to shake. ‘Mum...?’ Your voice had a waver in it and you sounded like a lost child as the realisation of what she was saying dawned on you.

‘ _I’m so sorry darling to tell you over the phone_ _._ ’ The tears started to fall, your lip curling as you tried to contain the noise. 

‘Are — are you ok?’ You managed to whisper between silent sobs.

_‘I will be. I have to go the doctor is coming_.’

‘Bye mum.’ The line went dead and you let the phone slip out of your grasp onto the sofa, your shoulders shook. 

Your beloved grandad, one of the strongest men you knew. 

Your last remaining grandparent. 

After the sadness,came the guilt, it crashed into you like a freight train and you couldn’t stop the rush of emotion that flooded your body. You hadn’t visited him this year and now you never could, you smacked your hands down on the sofa hating on yourself for being so selfish this year. Your phone buzzed again and without looking you picked it up assuming it was your Mum.

‘Hello,’ you whispered.

‘ _Hey it’s me_ .’ You didn’t even register the flip your insides made at the sound of Poe’s voice, you just wanted him here, you wanted comfort and right now he was the only one that could provide it. ‘ _You ok? You sound upset?_ ’

‘Oh Poe —,’ you said thickly as you couldn’t stop the sobs that started again, you couldn’t form anymore words as your throat closed up with emotion. 

‘ Give me five minutes. ’ The line went dead and you got up to take the chain off the door, you sunk back onto the sofa curling up on your side, you hugged your legs to you, almost as if you thought you could physically hold yourself together even though you were breaking apart on the inside. Tears just leaked out of your eyes as you lay there leaving a salty wet patch on the sofa, you didn’t have the energy to wipe them anymore. 

The door crashed open as he burst into your flat, suddenly his hands were on you lifting you to his chest as he crushed you too him, his clothes were cold you noted but the longer you were against him the warmer they got. You were limp in his grasp as he manoeuvred himself onto the sofa and he pulled you under his arm stroking your hair, holding you to him. He didn’t ask what was wrong he just waited for you to speak just giving you the physical comfort you needed. You traced a pattern on his t-shirt as you tried to distract yourself from crying until he softly grabbed your hand and you paused at the touch of his skin on yours, your eyes drunk in the way his fingers brushed against your fingers sending little bolts of excitement through you despite your current state. 

‘Tickles.’ His voice rumbled in your ear and you snatched your hand away and sat up. You wiped your face and slid across to the next seat, you distancing yourself did not go unnoticed as he watched you.

‘You always see me when I’m crying,’ you said with a short laugh as you blotted your eyes with your sleeve. He shrugged, you saw he was still in his coat and scarf he’d been in that much of a hurry to get to you, a warm fuzzy feeling began in your chest but you fought it down. You couldn’t afford those feelings, _not right now._

‘Did you want to talk about it?’ You easily could have said no but you’d been so low the past week you needed to talk, you told him about the phone call with your mum, your voice broke as you said the words out loud making it so much more real. Your face fell and you took a quick breath, his whole body twitched like he wanted to hold you but he didn’t know if you wanted that. 

You did.....and you didn’t. 

‘Tell me about him.’ A whoosh left your lungs and a tiny smile appeared on your face, you had many stories about your grandad and you appreciated Poe for letting you talk about him. Darkness fell and you’d laughed, cried and talked for what seemed like ages and all through Poe had just  _listened_ . His eyes danced when you told a funny story and they were full of concern when tears welled in your eyes, when you finished you felt like a weight had been lifted, the loss still sat with you as it would always. 

But for now you felt better. 

‘Oh wow look at the time!’ You exclaimed it had gone past 10pm and suddenly you were faced with the awkwardness of kicking Poe out after he’d just been there for you and listened to all your ramblings. He went to grab his coat and you laid a hand on his arm. ‘Did you want to sleep on sofa? I feel awful sending you home at this time. It’s the least I could do.’ The silence stretched between you for what felt like forever as his brown eyes locked with yours.

‘Is that ok? I don’t want to impose...’ you jumped up.

‘You’re not imposing, I offered. Have you eaten? Do you want food?’ You bit your lip as you fretted about him, pulling him out of his routine like this. 

‘I’m ok, maybe we could watch a movie before we turn in?’ You nodded eagerly and went to fetch some blankets and a pillow for him.

‘Do you have the day off tomorrow?’ You called from the depths of the cupboard. 

‘Yeah I have actually, you?’ 

‘Yeah — I — oh come on,’ you snarled as the blanket snagged in the cupboard, you stepped back to yank it out but collided with his hard chest and you almost squeaked in surprise at the sensation of him flush against you, even for a moment. Slowly he pulled it out of your hands and gently lifted it out of the cupboard his extra height giving him an advantage. ‘So what film should we watch?’ You asked trying to distract yourself from his muscles that rippled in his shoulder right at your eye level as he closed the door to the cupboard. He followed you back to the sofa as you gripped the pillow tightly to you, anticipation hung heavy in the air even though you didn’t want it. 

_Not now, not today._

You grabbed your blanket and Poe grabbed his, you snuggled down putting his pillow in the middle seat to create a space between you but then you laid on it anyway. Probably not the best idea but you were cosy now and didn’t want to move. Poe sat down right next to the pillow and you were just so  _aware_ of him, every breath he took, the way how his long fingers grabbed the blanket and his smell, the man was pure pheromones you were sure of it. He leant against the pillow slightly and you saw he put his arm along the back of the sofa, in your space. Not touching you but in your space none the less, you ground your teeth knowing full well you should go to bed and this was dangerous territory, anything could happen but you wouldn’t be the one to initiate it. 

_Right_ _?_

You both agreed on a Marvel film and he put Infinity War on and you stifled a groan. Yes this film was amazing and you could watch it again and again but everyone was eye candy! The entire cast were like gods/goddesses plucked out of the very skies themselves. Your hormones couldn’t take it! The film started and you just zoned out concentrating on what was happening, trying to ignore the delicious man that sat within a hairs breadth of you his scent teasing you constantly. The familiar sensation started down below coiling through your insides starting as a low burning heat and you tensed you jaw trying to think of anything but Poe  _fucking_ Dameron. 

You must have begun to doze off because you seemed to miss a big chunk of the film, you opened your eyes taking in the screen as you tried to catch up, you tensed as something ghosted over your shoulder, it was just the lightest touch you weren’t even sure it happened. Maybe you imagined it. You shifted slightly and his hand touched your shoulder where it was dangling into your space, he didn’t move or flinch and you stilled so you could listen to his breathing pattern. It was slow and steady so you risked looking up at him. His head had lolled back onto the sofa and his arm was beginning to fall down onto you, you lifted up and he didn’t move, he was deep asleep. 

Slowly you stood up and stretched, your eyes on him all the time incase you woke him. Carefully you pulled the blanket further up him and moved the pillow to the armrest, you wondered if you could lay him down he’d be more comfortable.....you decided to try. He went easily and slumped down onto the pillow, you grabbed his legs and heaved them onto the sofa covering him better with the blanket. His expression was relaxed, his jaw slack with sleep so his mouth was open just a little, you couldn’t help but brush a curl off his forehead.   
Recklessness took over and you softly planted a kiss on his forehead breathing him in as you did, his curls tickled your nose and you nearly groaned at how soft they felt. You quickly pulled away and turned the tv off plunging the room into darkness, as you stood something grabbed your wrist and adrenaline shot through your body. His fingers circled it and he tugged you back down to him, you went so  _easily_ , your eyes wide in the dark your heart pounding as you knelt down in front of him. His hands slid up your arms and you shivered, your core pulsing with need as his fingers tangled in the lengths of your hair and he trailed them gently over your neck, finding your jaw line he traced one finger along it. You bit your lip and suppressed a moan that threatened to spill from your throat as he ghosted a thumb over your lips. His hand moved and hooked round the back of your neck pulling you to him, you felt his nose on your cheek and you could hear his sharp intake of breath as you let him explore you so intimately. You shivered again your pulse racing as his warm lips found the corner of your mouth, you brought a hand up and gently ran a couple of fingers across his stubble and the groan that followed from him made you clamp your legs together as you throbbed with desire. Your brain was screaming at you to not do this but your body was just about ready to slide you in with him to feel his whole body against you, to feel him inside you. 

‘Poe,’ your voice sounded rough as you whispered. 

‘Mmm?’ The vibration of that single noise trickled across your cheek.

‘I — I should go to bed.’ You could feel the disappointment radiating off him, or was that yours? Slowly his hands retreated and it took all of your self control not to stop them. 

‘Okay,’ he breathed, his voice just as husky as yours. 

You’re not quite sure how you made it to your bedroom but you did, crawling into your cold bed you’d never felt more frustrated in your life. 

_Knowing_ he was on your sofa.

_Knowing_ if you were to call him he’d be in here straight away. 

_Knowing_ that he wanted you as much as you wanted him....

_Knowing_. It was such a pain the arse.


	8. Leaving

Your eyes snapped open as you woke up, you had been plagued with dreams of Poe all night long as you tossed and turned restlessly. You had got some sleep but not a lot. The sound of your front door opening and closing quietly made you bolt upright, your breath came in short gasps as you tried to figure out if someone was coming in or if he was leaving. You didn’t move, what if he’d changed his mind? What if he took your rejection last night to heart?   


_What if what if what if...._

You slowly slipped out of bed and cracked your door open, your heart plummeted as you saw the sofa was empty, his blanket folded neatly and stacked on top of the pillow. You shoved the door open and entered the living area.

‘Poe?’ He definitely was not here. You hugged yourself not sure how to feel about his absence and a cascade of emotions flooded through you but mostly anxiety that he had changed his mind, that he didn’t want to be here. That maybe yesterday was a mistake. Maybe he got fed up of your wailing and crying. 

You stomped into the bathroom and switched the shower on, your mind tormenting you with all the worst thoughts you could come up with your mood getting darker and darker as you showered. By the time you were done you felt like you could just crumble and cry in a heap on the floor, you sat on your bed wrapped in a towel and you grabbed your phone all prepared to text Poe but you had a message already. From Ben. Your blood ran cold and you remembered the grip on your arm, the way how he tossed you onto the floor and you shuddered. You didn’t want to read it but something compelled you, what if it was important?

_What could he possibly say that is so important?_

You clicked it anyway.

**We need to sell the flat.**

The words swam in front of you as you read them again and again until they were ingrained into your brain. _Sell the flat_ , your home? The place you had been living for years with and now without him. Feelings you had been ignoring for so long seeped through you, the chains of paralysing fear wrapped round your heart and you felt them drag you slowly down into the dark depths of despair. You felt trapped, you couldn’t move as you cracked on the inside.

You couldn’t get out. 

You couldn’t escape. 

There was no hope. 

You felt empty, devoid of anything as you just sat there staring into the wide abyss of nothingness. 

When you finally found the motivation to get dressed your movements were slow, you’d sat there for so long your hair had dried already and the sky was darkening. You went through the motions of going into the living room and switching the tv on but it was just habit, actions that your subconscious knew how to do. Your phone pinged again and you looked at it suddenly noticing there were lots of notifications. Some from your Mum, Rii and Poe. The ones from your Mum were just making sure you were ok. Rii was moaning about Finn and Poe’s just said:

**Sorry I had to duck out early this morning, work called.**

You replied with just an OK and put the phone down. You should probably eat but you weren’t hungry and really Gin sounded like a better option. You knew you shouldn’t but it was all you could think of doing. Getting blind ass drunk by yourself. You went over the cupboard and swore loudly, it was empty. Your phone pinged again, god how that noise grated on you. It was Poe again:

**How are you feeling today? Do you fancy coming out for dinner?**

Dinner. Sitting out somewhere with bright lights, having to talk and make conversation. Acting normal, acting like you weren’t dying on the side. Part of you wanted to go, maybe somewhere deep down you knew you needed to go to try and break these chains that wouldn’t release you. But they were too strong.

**Can we take a rain check? Don’t really feel up for that. Sorry.**

**You want me to come and check on you?**

Your breath hitched,  _yes, yes come and check on me I need you....._ but you just replied with you were ok and going to get an early night.   


Lies.

You stewed as you debated nipping down to the shop and getting some gin, wine, vodka. To be honest you didn’t care you just wanted to get drunk to try and wash these feelings away. But you didn’t get up, you couldn’t be bothered. Your limbs felt heavy like the chains were holding you in place, maybe they were. You slouched back into the bedroom and curled up under the duvet wishing this would all end. 

You didn’t get much sleep and the clock was reading 3am. You had work today. You debated texting Ronan but you needed to get out of the house, maybe work would distract you for a few hours. The hours slogged by and it felt like you watched almost each minute flick by. You might have slept some more but you didn’t feel any better for it if you had. 

You walked to work, the cold air making you feel slightly more alive than you had been but still the chains held you, twisting and tightening their grip on you. You unlocked the door greeting the staff with a bright false smile. You went through the motions of putting the cash in the tills and assigning everyone to a task before slumping at your desk. Today seemed to be busy and you were backwards and forwards from the shop floor and office constantly. Finally it was your break and you locked the office door telling the assistant manager you didn’t want to be disturbed, but you’d barely made a coffee when the phone rang. You tried to ignore it but it just carried on ringing. 

‘Yes?’ You snapped as you picked it up.

‘ _Sorry Y/N I know you said not to disturb you but....’_

‘But what?’ 

‘ _Well there’s someone here to see you_ _.’_ Your mind instantly flew to Poe and you felt your heart swell that he would come and see you at work. 

‘Who?’

‘ _Well, it’s....it’s Ben_ _._ ’ Her voice wavered as she whispered his name but you felt the floor drop out from beneath you. No, no not today. You couldn’t deal with this. 

‘Ok, tell him I’ll be there in a second,’ you heard yourself say, you put the phone down your hand shaking violently. This would have been the first time you’d seen him since Boxing Day, since he threw you on the floor and told you you had disgusted him. Fear plagued you, causing your chest to constrict but you had to face him. Anxiety flooded you with each step towards him, you opened the door to the shop floor and there he was. He stood head and shoulders above everyone else, his dark hair was just as you remembered it, he was clean shaven and his brown eyes darted around the shop as he waited for you. He didn’t look angry, instead he had a weird blank expression on his face. You gathered yourself together and strode out onto the shop floor, your insides quivered and your hands shook so you crossed your arms in an effort to hide the shaking. 

‘Hello.’ You said steadily and he looked up from his phone.

‘You didn’t text me back.’ His deep voice rolled over you so familiar and yet not anymore. 

_No, no I did not I had shit on my mind Ben_.

‘I’m not at your beck and call anymore.’ His eyes flashed dangerously and his fist clenched. 

‘I’m sending an estate agent round to evaluate it.’ Straight to the point. 

‘Can’t we talk about this?’ There was a hint of a whine in your voice and you despised yourself for it. 

‘Can you buy me out?’ He retorted and you flushed, he knew full well you couldn’t buy his half of the flat.

‘No.’

‘You can’t live there forever.’ You felt tears well up in your throat and you struggled to fight them down. He was right, but he didn’t have to be so vile about it. ‘I suggest you start packing, it will sell quickly.’ Great, homelessness was just on the horizon. 

‘Do we have to do it now? Grandad just died.’ You hoped by mentioning your grandad he’d soften towards you, just a little. Ben had been close to your grandad, he helped you move him into the home and he had spent many Christmases, birthdays and family get togethers with him. 

‘I know,’ his voice softened slightly. You were rocked by his words, your eyes widened in disbelief that he knew and he was still selling the flat from underneath you. ‘Your mum told me,’ his eyes studied your shocked face. ‘You didn’t tell her about us?’ His voice had an accusing tone and you frowned. 

‘I didn’t really know what to tell her.’ You said bitterly as your eyes took in the shop around you, customers passed you and you could see the staff not trying to watch your exchange out of the corner of their eyes. ‘Now I do though,’ you said quietly. ‘I can tell her what a cheating, lying scumbag you really are.’ Ben’s face clouded over at your words, his whole body twitched and his jaw worked overtime as he glared darkly at you. 

‘Tell her what you like. I’m done here.’ His tone deep like he was holding back absolute unbridled fury. You watched him turn abruptly away before hurrying away back to the safe space of your office where you fell apart away from prying eyes. 

You sighed and and looked at all the open boxes around you, the flat went straight up for sale and was sold by the end of the week, you had taken a couple of weeks holiday to deal with it all and also you got a few days compassionate leave for your grandads funeral. Rii marched out of the bedroom with a handful of folded clothes and put them in a box. She had been amazing helping you with the move and she was overseeing all your stuff being moved while you were at thefuneral, your parents lived over an hour away so her helping you like this was a godsend. 

‘You ok?’ 

‘Yeah I’m ok, it’s just the end of something huge you know?’ She gently knelt down next to you and bumped her forehead on yours. 

‘Listen, it’s been a rollercoaster, one that no one saw coming but now you can make a fresh start with a new flat free of  _him_ .’ 

‘Yeah I know. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though.’ 

‘No it doesn’t,’ she said getting back up. ‘Anyway, how’s Poe?’ Your body flushed from head to toe at just the mention of his name.

‘Oh he, er, checks up on me.’ 

‘Oh my god Y/N have you not told him how you feel yet?’ You groaned and hid your face. 

‘I think he knows. But I haven’t exactly been very forthcoming with him.’ 

‘You are so dumb,’ she said shaking her head in disbelief. ‘And if he knows, wait, if you didn’t tell him how does he know?’ 

‘The day Mum told me about grandad, he rang me realised I was sad and came straight over....’

‘Omg did you sleep with him?’

‘Noooo!’

‘Why the fuck not?’

‘Oh god Rii! I don’t know how it works in your weird world but he came over just to check on me and he ended up staying the night, ON THE SOFA!’ You yelled as she threw some clothes at you. 

‘So what did happen?’

‘Well,’ you cast your mind back to the dark, the gentle touches and his groan that set your core on fire. ‘Well, I don’t really know we didn’t kiss or anything we just touched, it was like seconds. And then I went to bed.’ Rii made a frustrated noise and threw more clothes at you. 

‘Bitch you’re killing me! You need a good lay it’s been months!’

‘I just need to get through tomorrow.’ 

‘And then you’ll sleep with him?’ Just the thought sent your mind into a spiral, you had only ever slept with two guys in your whole life and you thought Ben would be the last, you nibbled on your lip nervously as you packed more stuff into the box, but really you couldn’t think that far ahead. You had to get through the funeral first, it was a heavy weight on your heart and didn’t leave room for much else. Rii taped up the last box as you looked around, it was so bare now that everything was stacked neatly by the window. 

‘You ready?’ She asked softly. You grabbed your bag and wheeled it out of the door, your coat and Poe’s leather jacket were slung over the top which Rii noticed but chose not to comment on. You switched the light off and saw the familiar glow of the street light casting it’s orange uninterrupted on the floor, you had so many memories in this flat, good and bad but you realised it was time to cut ties to this place. Cut ties to Ben and move completely on. Maybe this move will help you with the block that was keeping you from Poe, but you had to get through tomorrow before you could think of anything else. You pulled the door shut and locked the door one last time, you looked at the key for a split second before dropping on Rii’s outstretched hand. 

‘Ok?’ You nodded.

‘Yeah let’s go.’ 


	9. Grief and a Kiss

The drive to your mums was uneventful and the roads were nice and clear, but you were downcast knowing what was waiting for you on the other end. You knocked on the door and when she opened it you fell into her arms, there was nothing more cathartic than a hug from your own Mum, you clutched each other because being here in person made it even more real. She kissed your face and wiped away your tears as she looked endearingly at you. Suddenly her eyes shifted to behind you and she frowned slightly. 

‘Where’s Ben?’ 

_Oh shit_. You kicked yourself for not telling her but really you hadn’t been strong enough.

‘He’s not coming.’

‘Why not?’ You grabbed your bag and began to lug it upstairs. 

‘Because we broke up.’ You paused at the top and regretted delivering the news like that, yes it had been hard for you to come to terms with but they looked to him like a son. Not only had he cast you aside he’d cast them aside as well. ‘I’m sorry I should have told you sooner but it was a shock.’ Your Mum gripped the banister at the bottom of the stairs as she tried to process the news. 

‘What happened?’ 

‘He had an affair.’ She nodded and pursed her lips. ‘Look don’t say anything, ok? I can’t be dealing with anymore grief from him. He sold the flat...’

‘What??’ She screeched.

‘It’s fine, he’s giving me my share, I’ve already rented a new place until I can buy one I really like...’

‘Why are you so calm? Why didn’t you tell me?’ 

‘Because of this maybe?’ You stopped realising how abrupt your tone was. ‘It’s dealt with, we’re grown ups, he moved and now I’m moving on. Anyway, I’m going to turn in it’s late and we’ve got a hellish day tomorrow.’ 

‘Ok darling, goodnight.’

‘Night Mum.’ She disappeared to the kitchen and you moved into your old room. You had moved out of your parents house when you were quite young so this had been a guest room in their house for a while, but it would always be your room. Your phone buzzed and you pulled it out of your pocket, you had a message from Poe:

**Hope you got there ok. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.**

**Yeah the roads were clear, nice easy drive. I’m about to turn in. Goodnight Poe.**

**Night**

You stared at his reply, not sure why but you wanted more from him. More effort, more words....you didn’t know. _Just more._ Not that he owed you anything, but maybe that was your fault for being so distant since that night at your flat. Tears rolls down the side of your face as you lay on the bed, how you wished he was here, then you remembered you had his jacket. You pulled it off your suitcase and slipped it on, his smell wrapped around you comforting you, but it was nowhere like having the real thing, but for now it would have to do. 

The funeral, was awful. It was lovely to see so many people turn up as your grandad had been a well loved man, and the service went smoothly but you couldn’t take it and had to leave before anyone else. Tears flowed down your face as you hugged your shaking arms trying so desperately to hold yourself together, you could see the service had ended and people were beginning to make their way out gathering around looking at the flowers and reminiscing. You wanted to go over there, you wanted to talk about him but you just couldn’t. You began to start the walk home, it was about 15 minutes from your parents house and you didn’t fancy heading to the wake anyway.   
It was March, so the air was cold but the sun shone and you appreciated the little bit of warmth you got from it, leaves were starting to bud and grow on the trees and you could hear some birds calling to each other around you. Your spirit felt lifted slightly just from being out here in the open air, for too long you’d been stuck in a flat or an office at work and not been really  out outside. You could see your parents house as you rounded the corner of the quiet cul-de-sac and with relief noted only one car you didn’t recognise. Maybe they’d gone to the wrong place for the wake. As you got nearer you could see someone sitting on the steps of the house, your eyes must be playing tricks on you. 

Your heart quickened and adrenaline traveled down your legs making you walk faster, your chest tightened as you made your way up those short steps and came face to face with Poe Dameron. His brown eyes looked at you taking you all in as they roamed over your face, no doubt he was looking at your smudged makeup but he’d seen worse from you. His curly hair dipped in the breeze and you noticed he’d shaved, he was in his black coat and that  scarf  that he wore so perfectly. 

‘Hi,’ the word rushed out from between your lips as you looked at him not believing he was really here, out here, at your parents house. 

‘Hi,’ he replied softly. You stood staring at him, his handsome face, the way his eyes looked at you, the corner of his mouth as it creased into a slight smile. ‘Do you have a key?’ Your brain was numb it almost didn’t register that you were just stood out here looking at him. _Shamelessly staring_. 

‘Oh, right. Yes I do!’ You laughed a little too loudly as you twisted the key in the lock, you didn’t know why you were so nervous all of sudden. Was it because this was your parents house you were letting him into and he’d have to meet them and then,  shit is he expecting to stay? Is he going home after this? _Like,_ _what the fuck_ . Your mind now kicked up a storm as you shut the door behind you both. You wanted to ask  why  he was here, clearly he was here for you and the gesture touched your heart like nothing before but  why ? You weren’t a couple, yes you had feelings, you were sure he had feelings but he couldn’t be that much of a  nice guy ? 

_Could he?_

You weren’t used to this, it had always been Ben’s way or no way and if Ben didn’t come to something he would never have rocked up out of the blue to check on you, not with something like this. He’d taken his coat and scarf off and was looking at you expectantly as you slowly turned to face him. 

‘How did you know where to find me?’ You winced slightly, what a fucking question but it was one you needed answering. He ran a large hand through his hair his curls bouncing back regardless of what he did to them, his eyes looked at you sheepishly as he replied.

‘I spoke Zorii. She said I should come.’ You noticed a blush creep up his neck and reach his ears. Fuck sake Zorii, but at the same time you were grateful, yes maybe she was trying to push you together too fast but also today was a hard day and you needed someone. 

‘I’m grateful that you would come all this way.’ 

‘It was no trouble..’ you interrupted him by putting a hand on his arm, he looked at it and then looked at you, your lips and back to your eyes. 

‘Thank you, you actually don’t know what this means to me,’ your voice broke slightly.

_Oh god don’t cry don’t cry don’t fucking cry!_   


But your face crumpled and a sob rocked you, he pulled you too him and you fisted your fingers in his jumper, breathing in his comforting scent, feeling the warmth from his chest as you cried into it. He placed a hand on the back of your head and just held you, his strong arms supporting you as you sobbed. 

The front door crashed open, Poe froze rigid but he didn’t release you until you turned around loosening his grip, your heart jumped into your mouth as you saw your Dad standing in the doorway. 

‘Who the fuck is this?’ He growled as he advanced inside his finger pointing menacingly.

‘Dad! This is Poe he’s just a friend, he just came to check up on me.’ You wiped your eyes as you tried to stop sobbing and sort your Dad out before he kicked Poe out. 

‘Friend huh?’

‘Yes Dad. Just a friend.’ Your Dad looked down at you his expression softening as he took in your sadness, he looked back at Poe sizing him up before nodding. ‘Where’s Mum?’

‘Still at the wake, I couldn’t take anymore.’ He said gruffly as he walked into the living room. 

‘You want a drink?’ 

‘There’s whiskey in the cupboard, I’ll have a glass, offer your friend one too.’ You nodded and tugged on Poe’s arm leading him into the kitchen. 

‘Oh god I am so sorry! He gets a bit protective over me.’ Poe smiled slightly as he watched you grab some glasses. ‘Are you...?’ You left the question open as you offered him a drink, his expression pulled slightly like he didn’t know what to say, he clearly didn’t want to invite himself to stay over but the drive home today was a bit much. ‘Do you drink whiskey?’ He expression relaxed as you took the choice away from him.

‘I like the way how you make a gin.’ You grinned.

‘Oh there’s plenty of that in this house,’ you opened the other cupboard door and gestured to it all. ‘Take your pick Dameron.’ He came and stood next to you as he looked in the cupboard, his chest against your shoulder as he reached in looking at the bottles, you didn’t move out of his way and he didn’t mind reaching over you it seemed. You looked up at him just as he looked down at you and your eyes locked, your breath hitched slightly and you nibbled your lip as butterflies made your insides all light and airy. You noticed the creases round his eyes as a smile played on his lips, you were hyper aware of how his body crowded you as he leaned over you to get the bottle. You couldn’t breath, you were drowning in his eyes, his scent and the feel of him pressing against you. His eyes dipped down to your lips as you tugged at the pink skin and excitement shot through you as he copied, dragging his lip through his teeth so agonisingly slowly as you both stood there frozen in a big bubble of anticipation. 

‘Y/N! Where’s my whiskey?’ You jolted out of the bubble as you hurried to take your Dad his drink. As you handed it over your Mum came in the front door, you gave her a hug and made sure she was alright but you were nervous as she followed you into the kitchen. 

‘Oh my, Y/N who’s this handsome fellow?’ You winced as your Mum went straight over to him.

‘Mum this is my  friend Poe.’ She grabbed him in a hug and his eyes widened as he looked at you for help, you spread your hands grinning. 

‘He’s much better looking than the last one.’

‘Mother!’ You almost screeched embarrassment ripping through you. ‘Have you been drinking?’ You demanded.

‘I might have had a bottle and then some. Oh Y/N,’ she walked over to the open cupboard. ‘Showed him our gin stash did you?’ 

‘We were just about to pour a glass, but I think you’ve had enough.’ She made a noise out of distaste at your words as she grabbed herself a glass and started pouring out into all three. As she handed Poe his glass she eyed him suspiciously.

‘So you came from the city, all this way to check on my little girl and you’re just a friend?’ Poe shifted on the stall he was sitting on but before he could reply you ushered your mother out of that kitchen.

‘Off you go! Go watch tv with dad, leave us alone to catch up,’ you gently shoved her towards the living room but she raised her glass at Poe before she disappeared. 

‘Oh my days, I am so sorry! My parents....’ he chuckled lightly and followed you into the conservatory you curled your toes as you noticed the under floor heating was on. 

‘It’s ok, I was expecting some interest I did just come out of the blue.’ You both sat on the sofa and you took a big gulp of gin. 

‘I am so grateful you came.’ You looked at him next to you and you wanted nothing more than for him to trail his hand down your neck, pull you to him and kiss you with those plush lips, you even leaned forward slightly as you imagined the way they would feel, warm and wet against yours as his tongue slipped in your mouth....

‘Y/N?’ Your head snapped round as your Mum came through the kitchen into the conservatory. ‘Your father wants a take away,’ you groaned.

‘That means I have to go and get it, also I shouldn’t be eating anymore take always!’

‘Nonesense! You’ve lost weight! Look at you, isn’t that right Poe?’ He choked on the mouthful of gin as he tried to take a drink out of his glass, his eyes wide as he just bobbed his head in agreement with her. ‘See! Now go get some fish and chips darling, for all of us, I’m assuming you are staying as the drive back is a bit long?’ Poe jerked his head slightly not quite sure how to answer.

‘Did you not eat at the wake?’ You mumbled as you stood up.

‘No sweetheart I wasn’t hungry.’ You wanted to facepalm yourself right there, you should have gone just to keep an eye on her. You turned to Poe and made a gesture for him to follow you, because you weren’t leaving him here to a grim fate with your parents. You put your coat on and lead him outside, you looked at each other as you started walking and just erupted into laughter. 

‘I can’t deal with them, I’m so sorry! You really did chose a bad day to meet my parents.’ 

‘Are they not normally like this?’ 

‘Well my dad yes, my mum would probably hold her tongue a bit more, alcohol loosens her up like oil for a droid.’ His eyes widened as he looked at you.

‘Is that — a Star Wars reference?’ 

‘Yeah I guess,’ you suddenly felt self conscious as he smiled pulling at his lip again with his teeth and shaking his head. 

‘What’s funny? That a woman can like Stars Wars?’ His expression grew serious and he stopped, you turned to him wondering what you’d done or said to get this reaction. 

His eyes rose to meet yours and they were smouldering making your heart thump and your insides clench. Two long strides he took towards you his hands coming out of his coat pockets as he grabbed your face and pulled you to him. The kiss was everything you had imagined it to be, his lips were soft and teasing against yours, no hesitation as his warm tongue slipped into your mouth and you could taste the gin he’d had just moments before. You could feel his fingers gripping your face and you brought your hands up to his feeling the new stubble that was growing already and how rough it was on your fingertips as you dragged your nails lightly down his jawline. He pulled away, you opened your eyes and your vision was just filled with him. 

‘I was just thinking,’ he said softly his voice husky. ‘Could you be anymore fucking perfect.’ You smiled and went to bite your lip and he groaned so lightly but the sound sent shivers through your body. ‘Don’t do that, it does things to me.’ 

‘What, this?’ You slowly sucked your bottom lip into your mouth and his lips were on you again but this time he was sucking your bottom lip and the sensation was divine the moan that rose up from your chest and spilled out of your throat was obscene, you were nearly panting as the desire raced through your body making you flush all over. 

‘I could kiss you all night long,’ he whispered, you gently pulled away knowing if you took too long your parents would know something had happened.

‘Maybe one day I’ll give you the chance.’ You started walking but you felt like you were floating you were so happy. You heard him jog a few steps to catch up, your mind reeled over what had just happened,  the kiss , oh god it was perfect and you wanted more, but you wanted to savour this feeling, this tension for as long as possible. His hand tugged on your arm pulling it out of your pocket and his fingers laced with yours as you walked along together, your heart hammered violently in your chest and you wondered how in the world you were going to sleep tonight knowing Poe Dameron was in the same house as you. 


	10. New Beginnings

The evening passed so damn slowly. You got back with the food and you all gathered in the living room to eat, your Dad started asking Poe questions and they very quickly got onto the topic of helicopters. You rolled your eyes at your Mum as they chatted mechanics but you listened because this was clearly a topic close to Poe’s heart and he was very passionate about it, the way how he spoke, the tone in his voice even the hand gestures hypnotised you and you could barely take your eyes off of him. Your Mum started gathering up the rubbish and asked for your help in tiding up, you followed her into the kitchen.

‘Somethings changed.’ 

_God damn mother’s and their intuition!_

‘ What do you mean?’ You asked as you shoved the rubbish in the bin hiding your face from her. 

‘The way how you look at each other it’s changed.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ You turned and found her standing with her piercing gaze right behind you. You took a breath in at the look on her face. 

‘Did you kiss?’ Panic flooded you and you started babbling.

‘Look — it just happened —,’

‘Darling, I’m not judging you.’ Relief stopped you saying anymore as you looked into her loving face. ‘He came all this way to support you today, do not let this one go.’ You nodded dumbly as she patted you on the arm. ‘Now go and get him some bedding, I’m not having hanky panky in my house.’ 

‘Oh wow Mum. Wow!’ 

‘Go on.’ You trudged upstairs, you had secretly been hoping she’d let him sleep in your room but no, still a child always in your Mothers eyes. As you dragged it all downstairs you gave him a sad smile, you dropped it on the sofa as your Dad got up. He gave you a kiss on the cheek and said goodnight, your Mum came in gave you a pointed look and bid you both goodnight. You unfolded the duvet for Poe and propped the pillow up for him, felt a rush of euphoria as he encircled your waist with his arms turning you to him. 

‘I can’t believe I have to sleep here knowing you’re going to be  _just_ upstairs.’ Your eyes fluttered as he gently ghosted his lips over your neck brushing your hair out of the way leaving trails of fire along your skin. You could feel yourself melting against him wanting more, your self control wavered until you heard a floorboard creak upstairs. You gave him a swift kiss on the cheek and pulled yourself away him. 

‘Goodnight Poe.’ And you darted upstairs before you could change your mind or before your Mother came and dragged you out of there. You lay there for a good 2 hours, your body thrumming as you thought about Poe downstairs, he was probably asleep but secretly you hoped he was as wound up as you were. You were itching to drive back to the city tomorrow back into your own space to do your own things. And to  do Poe. You sighed and turned over roughly, the frustration clouding everything and keeping you awake. Your phone buzzed:

**Can you sleep? Because I can’t .**

**No. No I can’t either.**

**So....what can we do about it?** His reply was a loaded question, a question you had so many answers for but if you snuck downstairs neither of you would get any sleep at all and you both had to drive tomorrow.  Damn it ! You hated thinking like a grown up! 

**We have a long drive tomorrow and I need to unpack my new flat when I get back.** His reply was quick.

**You need help with....unpacking?** You smiled widely to yourself as you replied. 

**Only if you get some sleep, because if you fall asleep on the job, I won’t be very happy.**

**Noted. Goodnight x**

**Night Poe x**

You put your phone down and finally drifted off into the realms of sleep, but for once you were going into them sickeningly happy. 

You came down in the morning, everyone was rising slightly later today, you put your suitcase next to the front door when you looked up you saw Poe standing in the living room doorway and he looked absolutely divine. His hair was tousled from sleep and it fell into his eyes which were still drowsy, his arm muscles rippled as he stretched up to the ceiling and your eyes got a treat as his shirt rode up exposing more of his tanned skin and defined muscles that you just wanted to trace with your tongue.  
Your gaze raked down his body and yours flushed in response at just the delightful sight of him. You glided towards him and he gave you that lopsided grin as he caught your waist pulling you to him, he dipped his head to kiss you and you were ready for it but you heard your parents door open and you shoved him away harder than you intended. You darted into the kitchen and he followed, his eyes now much more awake as he looked at you like he wanted to pick you up and have you right there on the kitchen counter. You stuck your head in the fridge pretending to look for something to eat, drink, shove down your top, fucking anything to cool down.

‘Morning.’ It was your Mum, of course it was. ‘Did you sleep ok Poe?’ 

‘Yes I did thank you, the sofa is very comfortable.’ You put a hand on your chest as it struck just how polite he was to your parents, respecting their rules and just being so fucking  perfect . 

‘Y/N why are you in the fridge?’

‘I’m looking for some orange juice,’ you lied. Your Mum peered round the door raising an eyebrow at you and pointed to the bottle in the door. You slowly grabbed it and shut the fridge, your eyes instantly drawn to Poe who’s intense stare was fixated on you. You could feel the desire and need rising from your core as you pictured what might be happening in just a few hours as you opened the new door to your flat, him kissing you his hands everywhere desperate not to break the kiss at all as he lifts you onto the work top as starts to take down your jeans....

‘Y/N!’ Your mums shout blew through your thoughts as you finally realised you were spilling orange juice everywhere.

‘Oh god sorry Mum!’ She threw some kitchen roll down on the side and gave you an odd look. 

‘What were you day dreaming about?’ Your face was burning as you could feel Poe behind you, watching. 

‘Oh, er, nothing much. Just thinking about how much I’ve got to do when I get back.’ You slid a glass over to Poe but you couldn’t bring yourself to meet his eyes, the feelings you had were too intense right now and he stoked the fire just by looking at you. 

‘You’ll have to send me some pictures.’

‘It’s just a rental Mum, maybe you could come flat hunting with me soon.’ She smiled and you felt a rush of love for her. Your Dad then came down and started talking about a fry up, Poe seemed eager but you were reluctant because you wanted to leave as soon as possible. Rii was blowing up your phone asking when you were returning so she could leave the key under the mat for you. 

Finally, with everyone having eaten, had a coffee and you had packed your suitcase in the car it was time to head back to the city. You gave Poe the address incase you got separated on the way and you said goodbye to your parents a bit too quickly as you dived in your car. You were ready, excited not only to see your new flat with all your things in but to get Poe back to yours. Your own, Ben free space. 

Traffic. It was everywhere of course it was! The longer you sat there the more agitated you became, how rude of all these people to keep you from what you’d been dreaming about for weeks! You groaned and smacked your head on the steering wheel, looked like you would have to wait a bit longer. 

After what felt like hours and hours you pulled up outside your new place, you couldn’t see Poe so you decided to wait for him, within moments you saw his car and heard the meaty roar of the engine as he pulled up. Your heart leapt and you could feel your insides twinging with excitement as he got out, that lopsided grin as he walked towards you set your soul on fire.  
He grabbed you, yanking you to him crushing his lips on yours, all the weeks of waiting, the brief touches the meaningful looks all came to a head. Without a word you lead him inside the building, his hands were just on you, wherever he could reach as you both dashed upstairs, you grabbed the key from under the mat and your breath caught as he came up behind you lightly touching your hips as you straightened up and slipped the key in the door. 

As soon as it was open he was attacking you again, his kiss hot and urgent as you both backed into the dark flat, you kicked the door shut and he pushed you against it making it rattle as he kissed your neck.  
You gasped trying to catch your breath but you were drowning, drowning in him. The way his hands touched you, his scent, the feel of his mouth as he sucked on your lips, the way his body was pressing you against the door so you could feel every inch of him. Your senses were full of him as you groaned softly in his ear. Suddenly the curtains opened and a group of people jumped out from behind your sofa and the bedroom.

‘SURPRISE!’ Poe snatched his hands off of you and you covered your face in embarrassment, but you started laughing into the stunned silence.

‘Oh my god guys, could you have made this anymore awkward!’ There was a wave of laughter from everyone but all you could see was Rii heading towards you her blue eyes dancing as she smiled and hugged you. 

‘About time.’ She whispered in your ear and you couldn’t help the flush that crept up your cheeks. You greeted everyone and noted Din was here sporting a similar expression to Rii as he hugged you hello, thankfully Poe’s sister was out of town because that would have been an awkward first impression. Drinks were given out and the house warming party went smoothly regardless of its embarrassing start. Poe sidled up next to you a sheepish look on his face. 

‘I knew.’ 

‘What?’

‘About the party, I knew. I just forgot.’ You nudged his shoulder playfully.

‘You could have warned me! And why did you forget?’ He angled his body towards you and you mirrored his movement looking up into his eyes.

‘I forgot because all I could think about was getting back here to be with you,’ you felt yourself clench at the way he said those words so softly and full desire. You caught sight of Din over Poe’s shoulder and you stepped back slightly as he joined you. 

‘So! Anything you want to tell me, friend?’ He winked at you but directed his question at Poe. You slipped away leaving him to catch up with his best friend only to be accosted by yours.

‘Oh my days, tell me everything!’ She whispered shoving a glass in your hand. You felt like a girl with her first school crush as you told Rii everything that had happened, her eyes like saucers as she listened. ‘Sounds dreamy, and he forgot to tell you about the party because you were both so eager to get back here?’ 

‘You told me I needed a good lay!’ She giggled.

‘Yes but just not today!’ 

‘Rii, I was so embarrassed!’ She put an arm round you.

‘Don’t be, we’re all friends here and we just want you to be happy,’ she raised her glass and you knocked them together. ‘Here’s to new beginnings!’ 

‘Yes, new beginnings!’ The party carried on until late in the night with you catching up with friends you hadn’t seen in ages. Turned out you and Poe had a few mutual friends you’d just never really crossed paths yourselves. People began to leave and Poe came up to you as you tided the kitchen his hand on the small of your back sending a slight shiver up you spine. 

‘I have to go,’ he whispered in your ear and you felt crushing disappointment in your chest. You looked up at him as he ghosted a kiss on your shoulder trailing his fingers up your arm. 

‘Do you have to?’ The whine that punctuated your words annoyed you but you were  desperate for him. 

‘I’ve stayed too long already I have to be up for work and I need as much as I can get.’ 

‘Sleep here.’ The words fell out of your mouth before you had even thought about them. ‘I’ll sleep on the sofa if I have to.’ He looked at you almost as if he was deciding what would be the better option.

‘And we’ll just sleep?’ You grinned.

‘Yes Poe, I’m sure we can resist for a bit longer.’ You ignored your rising desire at the thought of sharing a bed with him.

_Not today._ But you couldn’t help the disappointment. 

Finally everyone had left and you were surprised to find Rii had set up your bedroom for you, the bed was built and made and she’d packed your clothes away, you felt a rush of gratitude for her and yet again thought you didn’t deserve a friend like her. Poe got his bag out of the car and you got changed in the bathroom, you went to get some blankets for sofa when Poe grabbed your hands. You tried not to be effected but his warm hands were being so gentle with yours and you couldn’t help the hitch in your throat followed by the familiar flip sensation in your stomach. 

‘I feel bad you giving me your bed,’ he murmured. You went to say it was no trouble and you didn’t mind but he cut across you. ‘So, I’m only going to sleep in there if you will.’ His brown eyes were tired and in all honesty you now just wanted to curl up and sleep, but it had been a long time since you shared a bed. 

‘Ok,’ you whispered and let him lead you into the bedroom, you both got in opposite sides, you lay on your side with your back to him squeezing your eyes shut hoping that you could resist touching him, looking at him....you flinched slightly as you felt a shift on the mattress and his arm snaked around your waist pulling you to him. You bit your lip as he wrapped his body around your curled up figure pressing every inch of his body against you. His face buried in your neck breathing in the smell of your hair and you grabbed his arm pulling it tight to you. He was asleep within minutes and you were envious of how easily he could switch off or maybe he was just that exhausted. It took a while but you finally let yourself be lulled to asleep with his gentle snores. 


	11. Waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS! Dubcon/Noncon/Degradation.  
> READ THE TAGS!
> 
> This chapter ends a little full on so be warned!

Poe left in the early hours, you were vaguely aware of the loss of heat beside you and a brief kiss on the forehead but then you settled back down into sleep for another few hours. When you did finally get up you went through the random boxes that were left because thanks to Rii she’d unpacked a lot more than you thought. You sipped your coffee surrounded by your collection of books flicking through one procrastinating with the best of them when your phone rung. You picked it up not taking your eyes off the book.

‘Hello?’ 

‘ _Hey beautiful it’s me_. ’ Thebook slid from your fingers as your brain stuttered and stopped. Poe just called you beautiful.  Beautiful . 

‘Hey you,’ you replied coyly.

‘ _I’ve got some rubbish news_. ’

‘Oh no is everything ok?’

‘ _Well it is.._ _._ ’ he paused on the end of the line. ‘ _Work are sending me away to another hanger for a week_ .’ 

‘Oh.’

‘ _Yeah_ .’ You both stayed on the phone for a few moments just coming to terms with the news. ‘ _I’m sorry_ .’ 

‘It’s not your fault, work is work.’ 

‘ _It’s just..._ _._ ’ you heard him sigh into the phone. ‘ _I’m gonna really fucking miss you_. ’ 

‘I’m going to miss you too. Can I see you before you leave?’ You asked as hope rose in you. 

‘ _No they’ve asked me leave, about now actually._ _’_ You frowned and pouted even though he couldn’t see you. 

‘That sucks.’ 

‘ _ Yeah it does. Anyway I’ve got to go .’  _

‘Ok.’ You waited for him to say something and the silence dragged even though it was only for a few beats, you could imagine him standing there in his work clothes, hand in his pocket as he scuffed a foot on the floor while he spoke to you. 

‘ _ Ok. Bye .’ _

‘Bye.’ The line went dead and you sighed. Another week loomed ahead of you with just work and raging hormones to fill it. Fuck sake. 

The.

Days.

Dragged.

They moved by so slowly you thought you were going insane, you hadn’t heard from him much either but that was to be expected. You worked the shop floor letting Ronan rest in the office because you found being around people distracted you, even if they were pains in the arse. April was creeping up and the weather was finally getting warmer and yet, it rained all the time, you felt like you were permanently wet and not in a good way. 

You crashed the door open to your flat and stripped out of your soggy clothes shoving them in the washing machine, you collapsed down on your bed with a long sigh. Your phone began to buzz and you tried to ignore it so you could wallow in self pity on your own but then you checked who was calling and you nearly dropped it in your haste answer.

‘Hey.’

‘ _Hey baby_ _.’_ The gravel in his voice shot straight to your core and you closed your eyes for a brief moment. Not long. Not much longer and he’d be back.

‘You doing ok?’

‘ _ Actually no I’m not .’  _

‘You sick?’

‘ _No_ .’ He paused and you waited for him to continue.  _‘I — I’m not sick. But I need something_ .’ 

‘Oh yeah, what’s that then?’ It came out a lot more flirty than you were intending and you heard his breath hitch on the other end of the line.

‘ _I need you_. ’ You squeezed your thighs together at the deep sound of desire in his voice. 

‘I can’t wait for you to come back,’ you said softly.

‘ _Oh yeah? What we gonna do?_ ’ You bit your lip and smiled.

‘How much time do you have?’ 

‘ _All the time in the world right now baby._ _’_ You laid back on the bed. 

‘I’m laid on my bed right now, what are you doing?’ 

‘ _ M — me too. L— laid down .’ _

‘You sound nervous.’ His breath was heavy down the phone and it heated you up more. 

‘ _I just — just need you so damn much_ _.’_ His voice broke slightly. You felt bold and your hand moved down and slid inside your pants.

‘I’m touching myself.’ You heard he swear softly and you smiled knowing you were effecting him even over the phone.

‘ _ Should — should I? ’ _

‘Do you want to?’ His breath juddered.

‘ _Yes_ .’ Just the way he said it sent a shiver down your spine and you began to circle your clit. You groaned softly into the phone. ‘ _Oh god....I need you so much...’_

‘ What would you do to me?’ You breathed as little bolts of pleasure traveled up your body.

‘ _Oh fuck...I’d shove you against the wall kissing you trailing my fingers down your neck..._ _’_ he paused and you could hear the sound of his hand pumping himself as he spoke to you. Just the thought of his hand working himself, his calloused fingers rubbing up and down the delicate skin of his cock drove your fingers to work quicker.

‘ _I’d — I’d lift you up so you could wrap you legs around me....oh fuck,’_ the little plea in his voice as he swore almost drove you over the edge, you could feel your release moving up on you faster than you wanted but you didn’t slow down. Your breathing was ragged down the phone and you moaned again. 

_ ‘ Are you close because I’m s —so embarrassingly close.’ _

‘Yes I’m close.’

‘ _I want to hear you cum. Will you cum for me baby?’_

‘Keep talking,’ you gasped as you could feel how wet you were becoming, you pulled your legs apart more and you could feel the tightening in your belly. He started whispering telling you to imagine his fingers were inside you as he sucked on your clit. You could picture it so clearly in your mind, you could see his mass of curls as his lips were at your entrance, kneeling on the floor, you imagined running your fingers through his soft hair as he plunged his fingers in and out of you at an unrelenting pace, bringing you to that cliff edge where you teeter before he pushes you over it into the waves of ecstasy below. Pleasure floods your body and you cry out as you work yourself through your high.

‘ _Oh fuck.....’_ you pressed your ear to the phone trying to listen to every second of him pleasing himself, the gasps and hitches in his breath, the sound of his hand relentlessly stroking his hard cock, the jingle of his necklace as his whole body jolts with pleasure. You imagined him sitting on the edge of his bed as he tugged on himself his head thrown back and you could see all the cords pulsing, straining in his neck as he spills his warm creamy fluids into his hand. The sounds he made as he reached his peak with a shout gave you little after shocks as you squeezed your thighs together and you couldn’t wait to do this in person, you needed his touch now more than ever. His breath slowly evened out.

‘ _You sound so good when you cum. I can’t wait to see it.’_

‘ Mmmm me neither,’ you hummed. 

‘ _You’re getting me through these days.’_

‘I am?’

‘ _Oh god yes, you’re all I can think about, your eyes, the feel of your hair the way it feels to kiss you..._ _’_ you giggled slightly and rolled onto your tummy. 

‘Not long now.’

‘ _Still too long in my eyes.’_ You spent the next couple of hours talking about work and things that had happened during the week, it was nothing exciting for either of you but you couldn’t bare to stop hearing his voice even though you could feel yourself slipping away into sleep. You heard him murmur something and you managed to hum in response before passing out. 

The last few days crawled by but the week was coming to an end and you could feel the happiness bubble getting bigger as Friday approached. You took a couple of hours off work so you could finish early, you raced home jumping in the shower and shaved  everywhere.  You blow dried your hair and went to start cooking some dinner, he would be back late so you put some salmon in the slow cooker and the veg in the steamer ready to go. You had dressed casual, just a fitted t shirt and some skinny fit jeans. Poe was driving straight from the hanger to yours and in all honesty you couldn’t wait. You decided to put a film on to help pass the time, maybe it would make it move faster. 

You were a good hour or so into the film when there was a knock at the door, you paused the tv and got up to answer it, you felt excited as Poe was due soon, you didn’t know what time exactly but you were looking forward to some time together with no interruptions so you could finally have your way with each other for the first time. You opened the door with a beaming smile, a beaming smile that died on your face when you saw who was on your doorstep, his huge frame filled the doorway, his brown eyes were wide as he looked at you. Your brain started racing and your heart was juddering in your chest. 

_Nononono!_

‘ Can I come in?’ His beep baritone voice was smooth like velvet and you shocked yourself by stepping aside and letting him pass. 

‘Why are you here Ben?’ 

‘I came to give you this,’ he dumped the envelope on the side as he looked around the flat, it irked you that he was being so nosy but you didn’t want to challenge him on it you just wanted him gone. 

‘Well thank you, you can go now.’

‘This is nice,’ he said softly. You walked into the kitchen and busied yourself making a glass of water you took a few sips before turning back to him. His brown eyes were on you, looking you up and down in a way you didn’t like. 

‘Can you go now? You’ve had a snoop, I’m going to have company soon.’

‘Is this that man you’ve been seeing?’ His tone was displeased and it annoyed you that he had even asked.

‘Not that it’s any of your business but yes it is.’ You went to walk back out of the kitchen but he moved like lightning, you jumped as fear sprung up inside you, he grabbed your wrists and forced you against the wall holding them above your head. 

‘Ben let go of me!’ You glared at him but the light in his eyes was one you recognised and to your disgust your body reacted instantly. 

All the sexual tension with Poe came to a head and it rushed you leaving you giddy. Ben put his face in the side of your neck, you turned away as far as you could but his familiar smell washed over you and your body almost vibrated for him. You took a sharp breath in as his teeth grazed your skin and he kicked your feet apart, his free hand slid down your stomach and you began to shamelessly pant, his fingers paused at the waistband of your jeans before slipping inside. You tried to wriggle away but he knew exactly where to touch you, how much pressure to apply, how slow he had to circle your clit to get the desired reaction from you. You were revolted with yourself at the whimper that ripped your throat. 

‘You like that?’ He growled in your ear, you nodded, you couldn’t form words because his fingers were playing you in the most perfect way. Heat curled up from your core and you could feel Ben slide two fingers inside you stretching you out and it felt amazing as he stroked your inner walls, your eyes fluttered shut and the groan that ripped your throat was obscene. 

‘You like this you filthy bitch?’ He asked his voice thick with lust as he pumped in and out of you, curling his fingers to reach that bundle of nerves, he never missed. 

‘Yes!’  _No_ _!_ Your brain was screaming at you but your body was putty in his hands. You gasped loudly as your legs began to shake you were so close to that sweet release, the sweet release that should be with Poe. A tear leaked out of your eye knowing you were too weak to stop Ben you were already to far gone in the chase for your orgasm. You cried out as it ripped through you and at the same time Ben bit down on your neck, it hurt but you barely registered the pain and it made everything feel so much more intense. 

Before you’d even finished coming down from your high he pulled his fingers out from your wet heat and ripped your jeans down in one movement, he grabbed your hair and slammed you down over the table. You heard his zip go and before you could react he plunged into you to the hilt. You cried out at the familiar sensation of him filling you, he leant over you his breath ragged as he cursed. He began to pound into you.

‘This cunt is _mine_.’ He pulled on your hair yanking you off the table so he could roughly grab your breasts. ‘These are _mine_.’ He growled as he squeezed and pinched them sending bolts of pain through your body but then chased it up with pleasure. ‘I’m going to fill you up with my cum you hear me?’ 

‘Yes!’  _No_ _!_ Your brain wanted him to stop but your body was singing for him, finally after months of being devoid of sex it was lapping it up, squeezing him so tightly. 

His pounding increased and you could hear his skin slapping into yours, the sensation of your orgasm building curled round your insides travelling up your spine. You wanted to tell him to stop, you wanted Poe to break this sexual tension not your ex who cheated on you and broke your heart. You tried to look at the door hoping Poe wouldn’t walk in on this but Ben yanked you back round. You hated him, you hated this but the _pleasure_ was too intense to ignore. Ben leant down over you and you could feel the zipper of his jacket digging into your back.

‘I hope he walks in on us, I hope he sees what a disgusting, weak, filthy bitch you are.’ You whimpered as the tears now fell from your eyes. ‘Oh fuck!’ His rhythm became erratic and you knew he’d be done soon. ‘Are you gonna cum?’ You shook your head trying to hold out, trying to not give in, but you were so close. ‘Yes you are.’ He said gruffly, he released your hair and lifted your leg slightly so he could reach your clit, the new position made the sensation of him pounding into you feel mind numbingly exquisite and he began to rub you.

A roaring noise began in your head, you weresplit in two as your body was writhing with pleasure but your brain was screaming in pain. You couldn’t believe this was happening but you were  _letting_ it happen. 

‘So t — tight —fuck,’ you both came together, your legs shook and you tried not to make any noise but the feeling that racked your body were severe as blinding lights exploded behind your closed eyelids. Your orgasm ripped through you again making your arms shake and you slumped on the table, Ben pumped into you a few more times as he emptied himself inside you, once he was done he tucked his still hard cock away. 

‘I fucking _hate_ you.’ You snarled as the feelings of your pleasure still coursed through you.

‘You fucking loved it you desperate slut.’ He grabbed your arm turning you to face him. ‘When he comes here thinking he’s going to cum inside that cunt of yours he will know I got there first. Because you are weak and _pathetic_.’ He released you and strode out of the flat slamming the door behind him. Instantly self loathing wrapped itself around you, you could smell him on you, you could feel him dripping out of you, and it disgusted you. He had just possessed almost every piece of you and you let him, because you were weak. 

Because you couldn’t wait.


	12. Guilt

Tears blinded your vision as you stumbled to the bathroom, your hands shook as you turned the shower on the hottest setting you could take and began to scrub yourself until your skin came up pink and raw. You cried loudly as you washed away what had happened off your body but you couldn’t erase your mind, the chains of despair wrapped around you pulling you down into a sea of guilt. You hated on yourself, you could have stopped him at anytime but you enjoyed it. The way he made you feel, the  _possessiveness_ that he had displayed during your relationship, at one time you thought it was endearing, sexy even but really it was controlling. And yet, you still let him make your body sing like only he knew how. What were you going to tell Poe? You weren’t a couple, it was all still so new, right? 

_Then why did you feel so guilty?_

As you got out you caught a look at yourself in the mirror and your lip curled in hatred. You didn’t deserve happiness, you didn’t deserve the joy that Poe brought to you life, his light was too pure. You were a pit of twisted darkness and he should get out while he still could. You didn’t even brush your hair you just pulled it up into a bun and you put on the baggiest pyjamas you could find, one that had a high neck to cover the hideous bite mark that Ben had left you with. You sat on the sofa with the tv off as dark thoughts raced around your mind, you downed your second glass of gin hoping to drown them out but they wouldn’t leave you alone, they just got louder and louder.....

The door opened and Poe stuck his head in, as soon as he saw you his face broke into a beaming smile, his laugh lines were deep as his brown eyes took you all in. He was in a white t-shirt with black smudges on, his orange overalls were tied round his waist with big black boots on his feet. You stood up as he chucked his boots off and strode towards you, his large hands wrapped either side of your face as he was pulled you to him for a kiss, it was tender with only a hint of urgency as his lips caressed yours and your tongues slid together tasting each other for the first time in a long time. He moaned into your mouth enjoying finally being with you but all you could feel was the burning behind your eyes as you held back the tears from the feelings of guilt as it crushed you on the inside. He pulled back studying your face, his eyes soft as he tucked some stray hair behind you ear. 

‘I have missed you.’ He whispered and you noticed the waver in his voice the honesty in his eyes and you broke. You cracked right there in front of him, a great fissure of emotion as it flowed out of you. Through your sobs you heard him whisper to you as he held you tightly:

‘I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere. You’re ok baby.’ Finally you calmed down, drained and washed out, your eyes stung and you felt like you had nothing more to give. 

You were empty.

You sat on the sofa in a bit of a daze as he brought you a glass of water. 

‘I’ve turned the slow cooker off.’ His voice stirred you and you remembered you were supposed to be cooking.

‘Oh, dinner. I should finish it...’ but he stopped you from getting up. 

‘You look exhausted, let me take you to bed.’ Alarm spread through you and you tensed as warning bells rang in your mind, he sensed your hesitation his brow pulling down into a slight frown. ‘Let me look after you.’ He whispered.

‘Ok.’ He took your hand and lead you to the bedroom, he moved the covers as you got in and tucked them back around you. He knelt in front of you and gently kissed your forehead as his hand brushed your hair. ‘I’m going to have a shower because I smell.’

‘You smell good.’ He smiled slightly and tucked the duvet over your shoulder. 

‘I’ll remember that. I won’t be long.’ You nodded and he got up pulling the door behind him slightly. Again you were alone, your thoughts shouting at you as you stared into space, you couldn’t focus and you felt helpless against yourself. You wanted to tell him but you also wanted him to stay and you were pretty sure he wouldn’t if he found out, as you lay there tears dripping out of your eyes you decided to ignore the guilt writhing around in you. Let it eat you up from the inside, it wasn’t going to beat you. You hoped. 

The door opened flooding the room with light as he walked in, he was dressed in a top and some pyjama bottoms and he slipped in next to you. He laid on his back one arm behind his head and the other resting on his abdomen, you looked over your shoulder and he turned at the movement.

‘You ok?’ He asked softly.

‘Yeah.’ You chewed the inside of your mouth, wanting to ask him for a hug, wanting to be close to him but also feeling like you shouldn’t. 

‘Come here.’ You sighed as he pulled you towards him, the fresh scent of him rolling over you as he kissed your cheek. ‘You feeling better?’ You nodded and snuggled down into him knowing full well you weren’t feeling better.‘Good.’ His arms tightened round you briefly in a squeeze. The strain behind your eyes began again but you shoved it down and buried it deep. This wasn’t the reunion you had hoped for but he was still here, holding you. And that was something. 

You stayed awake most of the night not moving, just listening to Poe’s steady breathing as you raged through different emotions. You shook with silent tears one minute followed by blinding the rage the next to be chased up with that all consuming guilt that threatened to engulf you. You could feel an ache low down in your belly and some tenderness down below, just a constant painful reminder of what happened. Slowly your mind worked through it all and you decided you and Poe weren’t together, you weren’t up to date with dating these days but wasn’t there a period where you ‘ see ’ each other before going exclusive? So you decided it wasn’t cheating. 

_Then why do you still feel guilty?_

You ignored the burning question and let your eyes flutter shut to sleep. 

You slid out of Poe’s embrace leaving him snoring softly on your bed, you watched him for a few seconds a small smile on your face before heading into the kitchen. You were faced with the sorry sight of last nights uneaten dinner now all spoilt because.....just because. You made yourself busy clearing it all away and filling the dishwasher, then you made a coffee. 

You grabbed some cleaning stuff and began to scrub the table, images of yesterday threatened to overwhelm you but you fought them, not letting them win as you cleaned that table to within an inch of its life. You cleaned until your arms ached from the effort and you finally sat down exhausted. Your eyes were drawn to the envelope on the side and disgust rose in you but you went over to it anyway. Your hands shook slightly as you picked it up, sliding your thumb under the seal you dragged it across ripping the paper. Inside was a cheque with your half from the sale of the flat, it was more than you were expecting, it was written in Ben’s writing so it was neat and tidy and his signature had the flow of someone who practised calligraphy. 

You’d loved that about him he would sit there for ages writing out things for you in fancy writing trying different styles you’d even gifted him a whole set one Christmas and he’d loved it.  Loved it.

  
What had happened? 

What did this Rey have that you didn’t? 

Why had he grown so  nasty ? 

You felt like all the hard work you had done trying to get over him for the past nearly 4 months had been erased and you now had to recover from it all over again. 

You heard Poe getting out of bed and you shoved the cheque in your bag and threw the envelope away just as he padded into the kitchen. His hair was sticking up all over the place and you couldn’t help but smile at how soft he looked. 

‘At last,’ he murmured as he kissed you so gently on the cheek. ‘A smile.’ 

‘I’m sor....’ he shook his head his face serious as he hugged you. 

‘Stop saying you’re sorry. You can’t help how you feel and it’s been a pretty shitty year for you so far.’ He wasn’t wrong. He tilted your head back and his lips kissed yours gently, you melted into him loving the way he made you feel so safe and cared for. He pulled away slightly and you could see he wanted to say more. 

‘What’s up?’ 

‘I promised I’d see my Dad today, so I’m going to have to go soon.’ Your mind started racing, you didn’t want to be alone, what if Ben came back?

‘What if I come with you?’ You tightened your arms around him. ‘I just don’t want to give you up so quickly.’ He smiled and looked down at you in his arms. 

‘Are you sure? My Dad is....something else.’ You snorted. 

‘You met my parents right? We all survived that encounter, he can’t be worse than my drunk Mum?’ Poe shrugged.

‘No you’re right, that was awful. My dads a pussycat compared to your parents.’ You swatted his shoulder playfully and pulled out of his arms. 

‘I best dress to impress then,’ Poe grabbed your wrist as you began to head back to the bedroom.

‘You sure you want to come?’ You stomach did a little flip at the way he held your wrist, it ached slightly as he gripped it and you tried not to visibly grind your teeth at another thing Ben ruined on you. You tried to smile to reassure Poe.

‘Yes I am sure. I should get ready.’ He released you and instantly your hand went up to your neck, the tension in it was upsetting the bite mark, you were worried about how you were going to hide it. You softly closed the door to the bedroom, the urge to cry was right there sitting on your chest as you took a shaky breath but you didn’t succumb. You had to findclothes that would hide your bruises, your wrists were tender, no marks thankfully but your neck was a mess. You took your top off and angled your neck so you could see it in the mirror, he had broken the skin at a couple of points and the rest was turning a deep shade of purple. It wasn’t a hickey either it was a proper, can see all the teeth, bite mark. Revulsion reared up inside you as you remembered the way his fingers played you and your body had loved every second. You grabbed some make up and tried to cover it up but it did nothing, you looked outside and saw the weather was cloudy and you hoped it was cold because you needed to wear a jumper with a polo neck today. You grabbed a black one and put on a clean pair of jeans as you exited the bedroom he came out of the bathroom fully dressed and smelling amazing. 

‘Are you ready for this?’ You pulled a face and pretended to think.

‘Oh I don’t know...yes of course I’m ready! We going in your car?’ His eyes lit up as you grabbed your bag.

‘Yes! I’ve been dying to show it to you for ages.’ As you locked your front door you listened to him telling you about it, the excitement in his voice made you smile. He had bought it and restored it himself, Din had apparently helped with the paint job and he’d done an amazing job, the car was a 2005 Ford Mustang GT it had a metallic black finish with dark orange stripes on either side. The inside was just as amazing as the outside with plush, smooth, black leather seats with bright orange piping and stitching. 

‘Wow,’ you breathed as you got in. 

‘Do you like it?’

‘Oh Poe this is stunning.’ His chest swelled with pride as he looked at you. 

‘Yeah, it’s my pride and joy. I spent many years on this.’

‘It shows, it really shows!’

‘Listen to this,’ he turned the key and the engine roared to life, you could feel the vibrations in your seat as he revved the engine, the sound travelled through you and you couldn’t help but smile at the tickling sensation. He looked at you again, his laughter lines deep as he smiled. ‘Seatbelt. Get ready.’ You squealed loudly as he pulled away and raced down the road. 

He’d taken the long way just so you could enjoy the car together a bit more but eventually you pulled up outside his dad’s house. Poe seemed to grow serious as he looked at the drawn curtains in the window. 

‘Fuck,’ he said quietly as he got out.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Did you want to wait here?’ You frowned.

‘No, just tell me what’s wrong?’ He rubbed his face with his hand, his eyes worried as he looked back at the house. 

‘Just, be prepared,’ he headed to the house and you followed, you felt on edge and worried about what could be behind these doors. You didn’t know anything about Poe or his family but you felt like you were about to find out. He opened the door and you both stepped into the dark hallway. First thing you noticed was the smell, the stench of alcohol fresh and old rolled over you and you swallowed down a gag. 

‘Who’s that?!’ A voice bellowed out, he sounded gruff and commanding.

‘It’s me Dad.’

‘Oh, hey Son.’ You followed Poe into a living room, you saw his dad sat in an arm chair with a big bottle of whiskey next to him, the lid was off and the bottle was half empty already. 

‘Fuck sake Dad! What’s this?’ 

‘Just a little something to pass the time.’ 

‘I thought we’d got over this,’ growled Poe as he swiped the bottle. 

‘Hey give that back!’ His dad lunged and toppled out of the chair. ‘You son of bitch you bring that back!’ 

‘No.’ Poe’s voice was laced with fury as he disappeared into the kitchen. You shrunk into the corner as your heart went out to Poe, clearly this was not a new occurrence. His dad heaved himself back into the chair, his dark eyes caught sight of you standing there but they just glassed over and he went back to watching tv. 

‘You better not be pouring that down the sink.’ 

‘Already done it.’ Poe shouted back. His dad processed that for a second before his face twisted with anger. 

‘How dare you come in my house and take my stuff!’ Poe came back into the living room his eyes dark as he headed towards you. 

‘Dad where’s Bee?’ The man in the chair shrugged. 

‘Shut the damn thing up outside it wouldn’t stop barking.’ Poe paled and rocked on his heels before he was disappearing outside, you followed and you could hear the faint barking of a dog. 

‘Fuck  _fuck_ I knew I shouldn’t have left him here!’ Poe’s voiced wavered as he barrelled out the back door and jogged to a little shed at the bottom of the small garden. He yanked the door open and a large dog burst out of the shed and knocked Poe over, whimpering and whining as he stood over him wagging his tail and licking Poe everywhere he could reach. ‘Oh buddy! Hey buddy! You ok?’ He grabbed the dog and they touched foreheads for a second before he went crazy again and licking Poe’s face. ‘Ok ok! Yes you’re coming home with me.’ Poe got off the ground and that’s when the dog turned to you, it was a large orange and white Alaskan Malamute, it’s golden eyes seemed to study you intently as it sniffed your hand. ‘She’s a friend Bee.’ 

‘Bee?’ Poe shrugged. 

‘It’s the only thing he will answer too, that or BeeBee. Anyway, let’s get out of here.’ He clipped a lead onto the dog and lead him back towards the house, as you entered the living room Poe’s dad was mumbling under his breath. 

‘What’s that Dad?’

‘I said, take your dog and your bitch and get out.’ 

‘Don’t call her that!’ Snarled Poe and you could see his shoulders tense as he put a hand on your waist. 

‘Whatever just get out!’ Poe steered you forcefully out of the house slamming the front door behind him. 

‘Oh fuck I am so sorry about that. He fucking promised.’

‘Hey,’ you pulled his face to look at you. ‘It’s ok, is there anyone we can ring for him? Just so you don’t have to deal with this?’ He smiled sadly as he put Bee into his car. 

‘I have contacted someone, they usually help me when he gets like this. I’ve been doing this since I was 8 years old.’ 

‘8 years old?’ He nodded and tugged on his necklace, on it was a ring. It was just a plain silver looking band didn’t look precious at all but the way Poe held it you knew it was worth so much more than it looked. 

‘This was my mother’s wedding ring. When I was 8 she died in a helicopter crash rescuing some people out at sea. The weather was awful they were told not to go out but she swore she could make it. She swore she could make it....’ pain crossed his face as he stared at the ring in his palm. You wanted to make him feel better but you didn’t know how, you felt lost looking at him not knowing what to say. He slipped the ring back into his shirt as a car rolled up.   


A car you knew oh so well. 

Dread pooled in your belly as the silver merc pulled up silently behind Poe’s car,you felt the world fall out from beneath your feet as a man got out. He was tall, good looking and had a shock of grey hair, his hazel eyes locked with yours as he greeted Poe warmly, he looked momentarily dumbfounded when he saw you. He stepped around Poe and stood in front of you his eyes piercing as he studied you. 

‘Hello.’ 

‘Hi Han.’ He was the last person you expected to see here of all places, and he knew Poe? So many questions tumbled about inside your head but you didn’t know where to start.

‘You two.....know each other?’ Poe asked hesitantly

‘You could say that,’ said Han dryly. ‘Why is she here?’ Poe frowned.

‘She’s here because I brought her.’

‘Does Ben know?’ Han asked. Poe spluttered.

‘What’s it got to do with Ben?’ You steadied yourself against Poe’s car, his name sending you back to last night, his brown eyes, the feel of his fingers, the way he made you cum so easily. You closed your eyes the anxiety rising thick and fast like a tidal wave inside you. Han pointed at you. 

‘That’s Ben’s ex.’ Poe whipped to face you as you almost gasped for air, you could see the realisation dawning on his face as he looked back at Han. 

‘This is.....this is Ben’s Y/N?’ Poe’s voice was quiet as he rubbed his face in shock. 

‘Not anymore!’ You snarled. ‘Not after he left me for someone else.’ 

‘Shit. I had no idea! It’s been years since Ben and I have spoken.’ Han snorted gruffly. 

‘He is one to hold a grudge. Anyway, this can be unpacked another time. Kes at it again?’ 

‘I poured it down the sink but he’d already had half a bottle.’ Han nodded sadly. 

‘I don’t really know what else I can do for him now, why don’t you take Y/N home and I’ll call you later.’

‘Yeah sure.’

‘Don’t tell Ben you’ve seen me.’ Han turned to look at you, he nodded once and then headed to the house. The ride back to yours was quiet except for Bee who sat with his head between you panting happily with his tongue lolling out. You looked out the window watching the streets flash by in a blur, your brain trying to connect the dots. 10 years you were with Ben and not once did him or his parents mention anyone named Poe. You couldn’t wrap you head around it and it was bothering you. 

‘How long have you known the Solo’s?’ Your voice sounded loud and abrupt as you asked the question. But you weren’t expecting his answer.

‘Pretty much all my life, I used to look to Ben as a brother, when my Mum died they took me in, looked after me and tried to help my Dad.’ He paused as he pulled up to a junction, the engine purring as he looked up at the lights.

‘I was with Ben for 10 years. Why do I not know you? You were never at any family gathers, company functions, nothing.’ Sadness settled on his features and he pulled away slowly as the lights changed. 

‘They sent Ben to boarding school, the aim was for him to follow the family and take over the haulage company, but I stayed behind and Han and Leia treated me like a son, even got me a job as a mechanic within the company before I went into Search and Rescue. Ben didn’t like that and we had a massive falling out about 11 years ago. I haven’t heard from or seen him since.’ 

‘But we even have mutual friends how have I not seen you before?’ Poe smirked slightly as he pulled up outside your flat. 

‘Maybe you weren’t looking.’ He said softly. You looked up at the cold dark windows of your flat, you didn’t want to go up there alone. 

‘Do you want....’

‘I have to get Bee home. Doubt Dad fed him today.’ 

‘Oh ok. I’ll see you soon?’ Poe smiled sadly but made no move towards you. 

‘Yeah, sure.’ 

‘Ok then.’ You forced yourself out of the car, the feeling of awkwardness went with you, as soon as the door was shut Poe pulled away. You felt sad, something had changed between you and you didn’t like it. You went to wave but the car turned the corner and was gone, suddenly you felt more alone than you had done in a long time. 


	13. Ruin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fairly emotionally charged as Poe finds out about Ben.

It was a couple of days until you heard from Poe again, he let you know he was ok and his Dad was ok but that was it. You sat in the flat staring at your phone as you chewed your nails debating what to do. You couldn’t take this, the silence, not after a bomb had been dropped on you both. A big Ben sized one. 

‘Fuck.’ You picked up the phone but your hands shook and you put it back down again. The chains tugged on you, trying to drag you down into the spiralling depths of your dark thoughts but you resisted, you didn’t want to go back there. You hated it, always crying and feeling like that. You tried so hard everyday to not let them overcome you but the more time you spent away from Poe the harder it became. He was your light to chase away the shadows. Maybe you could do the same for him. You picked up the phone again and rang him. With each ring your stomach twisted in knots until finally he answered. 

_ ‘ Hello? _ _’_ He sounded groggy, like he’d been asleep.

‘Hey it’s me.’

_ ‘ Oh hey. You ok? ’  _

‘Yeah I’m fine. I just feel we have stuff that needs talking about.’ 

_ ‘ Yeah .’ _

‘So will you come out to dinner with me? So we can talk?’ your heart raced as you waited for his reply.

_ ‘ Yeah ok, when were you thinking? ’ _

‘I’m free tomorrow if you are?’ 

_ ‘ I’m working late tomorrow, the day after? ’ _

‘Wednesday?’

_ ‘ Yeah .’ _

‘I can do that. Shall we say the steak place on the high street around 7:30pm?’

_ ‘ Yeah that sounds perfect. ’ _

‘Ok then.’

_ ‘ Ok .’ _

‘Poe?’ 

_ ‘ Mmmm? ’ _

‘I miss you.’ You closed your eyes not knowing what his response was going to be, it felt like you waited a lifetime for him to reply but it was just a couple of seconds. 

_ ‘ I miss you too _ _.’_ You took a silent breath as relief flooded through you. 

‘Bye.’

_ ‘ Bye .’  _

You sat in the office staring at your computer screen trying to answer an email from another store but you couldn’t concentrate. Your lip was sore from where you kept biting it, the screen swimming in front of you as you zoned out. 

‘Hey, you gonna answer that email?’ Your eyes refocused as Ronan came up behind you. 

‘Yeah yeah I’m on it.’

‘Baby girl you haven’t been ‘on it’ for months.’ You snorted. 

‘How would you know?’ 

‘Trust me, I just know! There is no focus you’re totally distracted and I don’t like it.’ You sighed and hung your head. 

‘I found out Poe and Ben might as well be brothers.’ 

‘Whoa, back up. So Ben as in ex Ben?’ You nodded. ‘And Poe as in phone sex Poe?’ You rolled your eyes, of course Ronan would fixate on that! ‘They’re brothers?’

‘It’s complicated but Han and Leia practically raised Poe but him and Ben fell out just before I got with Ben so he never mentioned Poe.’ 

‘Damn girl, sounds like a lot.’

‘I’m going out for dinner with Poe tonight so we can talk.’ 

‘You sure you want to get back into that family?’

‘I never had a problem with his parents Ronan, just Ben,’ you replied softly. He placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.

‘If you need me...?’ You smiled gratefully up at him. 

‘Thanks Ronan. Anyway, I should finish this email.’ You looked back at your screen already the words merging together in a blurry mess as 7:30pm loomed closer and closer. 

You stood outside, you were in a dress this time, nothing too smart but you wanted to show you were making an effort, you had a scarf wrapped around your neck to try and hide the bite mark that didn’t seem to be fading. It was now black and yellow and looked awful, you wished it would just go. Your phone buzzed and it was a message from Rii wishing you good luck.

‘Gonna fucking need it,’ you mumbled under your breath. 

‘What was that?’ Your head snapped up as Poe appeared next to you, he was in a shirt and some smart trousers, your heart beat quickened as his cologne reached you, he’d made an effort too. 

‘Hey.’ You stood on your tiptoes and kissed his cheek, his arm circling your waist automatically as he squeezed you to him briefly. His gaze was drawn to your eyes and you felt the familiar flip in your stomach. ‘You hungry?’

‘I am starving.’ You smiled as you went to get the door but he stopped you, his large hand on your bare arm causing trails of fire on your skin. ‘Allow me.’ 

‘Thank you.’ In a rush the warm air and sounds of the restaurant washed over you, you told them you had a table booked and they took you to one near the window, a little candle burned brightly in the middle and you couldn’t help but feel excited you were out  _out_ with Poe. Drinks were ordered, you ordered a double and Poe raised an eyebrow, but gin was needed. You made small talk until the gin was in front of you, you really tried not to guzzle it down but you felt nervous now, knowing the subject needed talking about. 

‘So where do you want to start?’ You looked at Poe over the menu, his eyes were trained on you intently.

‘Start? What...the food?’ You asked, he grinned, the creases round his eyes giving him such a handsome look. 

‘Well yes with the food, but I meant with this ‘conversation’ where did you want to start?’ Your mouth made an O shape as you stared at the menu. You didn’t really know, maybe you didn’t want to start this topic and just enjoy a night out with Poe. 

‘Well, I don’t really know.....’ a shadow fell over your table and you looked up to address the waiter but the words died in your throat as your eyes locked with his heated furious brown gaze. 

‘Is this who you’ve been seeing?’ His lips barely moved as his deep voice snarled at you pointing at Poe. Your throat closed up you couldn’t speak and fear kept you rigid in your chair. Ben bent forward his long fingers grabbed your upper arm tightly and the pain seemed to awaken you slightly. ‘ _Fuck sake_ answer me!’ He growled in your ear.

‘Get off me Ben that fucking hurts!’ You gasped.

‘You weren’t saying that last week when you were cumming all over my fingers.’ As the words fell from his mouth his head turned to look at Poe to get his reaction. A roaring noise began in your head as you tried to pull your arm out of his grasp but he just gripped you tighter. 

‘Let her go Ben, people are staring.’ Poe kept his voice level and his expression blank but you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him as the feeling of shame came crashing down on you, the burning pressure of tears behind your eyes almost created an instant headache. You felt like you were suffocating being so near him, feeling his skin on yours, smelling him....your head was foggy and your breathing started to come in short gasps as Poe stood up to face him. ‘We want no trouble.’

‘Come on Ben. Is she really worth it?’ Your gaze snapped to the woman behind Ben, her brown hair was up and she had long earrings in, her dress was amazing and sparkled in all the lights disorienting you for a moment. She had a scarf round her shoulders and a little bag clutched in her gloved hands. She was over dressed for the restaurant and you wondered if they had been heading here or somewhere else and Ben had seen you in the window and barged in. You couldn’t get up, Ben’s massive frame stopped you from getting out of your seat and you began to panic, gripping the fabric of your dress in your fists as you tried to calm yourself down. Ben sneered down at Poe. 

‘Good luck with that one. She’s an absolute mess.  I made sure of it .’ The last bit he whispered into Poe’s ear and he tensed refusing to look Ben in the eye.

‘Come on. We’re leaving.’ Poe grabbed your wrist off the table and barged his way past Ben and Rey dragging you with him. The cooler air of outside smacked you in the face and you realised tears had started trailing down your cheeks. Poe had his arm round your waist but he didn’t say a word until you shut the front door of the flat behind you both.

He paced up and down the living area, to the kitchen and back trying to find the right words to say. 

‘Is what he said true?’ You looked up startled as you wiped the wetness off your face, your back was against the front door and you were wringing your hands together in worry. 

‘Wh — what bit?’ Poe smirked but not in a good way. 

‘It’s true isn’t it? He came over while I was away?’ Your breath shuddered as you tried to contain the sobs,  this was it, this was where you lost him for for good. 

‘Fri — Friday night.’ Poe swore loudly and slammed his fist down on the kitchen side making you jump. 

‘Just before I came back,’ he pointed a finger at you his face tormented as he tried to get the words out. ‘That’s why.....that’s why you were all sad. And freshly showered. It wasn’t for me,’ he slapped a hand to his forehead. ‘It was because of  him !’

‘I’m sorry!’ Poe shook his head.

‘No. No. You could have stopped him. Why didn’t you stop him?’ He advanced you as his voice wavered with sound of a plea, he went to grab you, hug you maybe but he retreated a step and ran a hand through his hair the tears shining in his eyes as he looked helplessly at you. ‘Did you enjoy it?’ 

‘F — fucking h — hell Poe!’ Your face twisted in anguish as you remembered yes your body had, your body loved every second. 

‘Fuck!’ His eyes darted about the room and he pointed at the sofa. ‘Was it here?’ 

‘Oh what the fuck?!’ 

‘No, I’d imagine Ben would have liked it rough, put you in your place, was it here?’ He pointed to the kitchen side but then his eyes widened. ‘No, it was.....here.’ He pointed to the table and you put your hands over your face as more sobs wracked your body. You tried to pretend this wasn’t happening. You flinched as Poe pulled a chair over and bellowed in anger. ‘How could you!’

‘We weren’t together!’ You cried out, as if that made it better, as if that justified what you let happen. He pulled another chair over and you jumped as it clattered to the floor, Poe strode towards the door you could see tears on his face as he grabbed yours with his hands, he went to kiss you, he paused his forehead resting on yours, your breaths mingling together as your chests heaved with emotion. His face was full of anguish before he let himself kiss you roughly his eyes squeezed tightly shut as he did. You could taste the saltiness of both your tears as your lips crashed together, his tongue quickly taking possession of your mouth, you breathed him in hoping he wouldn’t leave but you could tell from this kiss, this was a goodbye. 

He sobbed as he pulled away from you and you looked at his face your heart breaking as you went to hug him, but he side stepped you pulling the handle of the door and slamming it shut behind him. 

And you were alone. You slid down the wall as you tried to register what had happened, but the chains dragged you down into the depths now there was no resistance. You slumped sobbing onto the cold floor imagines replaying in your mind, tormenting you, dark thoughts shouted at you, hating on you as you lay there shaking. You felt like your world had ended and Ben had taken everything from you. 


	14. Halloween and a Ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fair amount happens here. Mind the tags.

6 months later.

Your breath formed a tiny puff of cloud before you as you looked at the path twisting and winding ahead of you disappearing in the soft white mist. The gentle thud of your horses hooves along with the creak and jingle of his bridle were the only things you could hear as he plodded along at a steady even pace. You flexed your cold fingers as your body swayed rhythmically to the motion of the horse and you felt relaxed. Just you and the gentle sounds of nature wrapped around you, a soft breeze teased your hair, stinging your face with the chill and you tried not to shiver. The trees had turned last month and you were surrounded with the blushing colours of Autumn, golds, browns, reds and pinks all melded together to paint the picture that was your favourite season. 

You had given up your rented flat and moved back in with your parents where you sought help. You had started medication and been to counselling, to help your therapist said you needed to find yourself again and to retake up a hobby you reluctantly gave up, so here you were in the middle of the woods at 7am on a Sunday morning just before Halloween on the back of a horse called Porg. He was a skewbald his white coat punctuated with chestnut browns and a rare patch of black, his mane swayed as he walked his head bobbing with each step he took. Why had you given this up? This was the most relaxed you had been in years, luckily the stables near your parents remembered you as you had spent most of your life there until you met Ben and he moved you to the city. You gently rubbed Pog’s neck marvelling at the warmth that seeped quickly through your gloves, you clicked your tongue and nudged him gently as he fell into an easy trot. His ears were pricked as he eyed the trees either side of the path, his nostrils flared and his breath misted in the cold air. You gently nudged him into a canter sitting deep in your saddle you couldn’t help but grin hearing his wide, feathered hooves pounding on the soft ground. The air whipped past you stinging your eyes dragging some moisture out of them, but you didn’t care, you wanted to enjoy this as much as possible before you moved into your new flat in the city. 

Your Grandad had left you some money and that combined with the money that Ben gave you from the sale had been enough for a decent deposit. Luckily your doctor had signed you off work but it was time to go back, in fact you missed it.   
The sight of the stables came into view through the thin mist and you slowed Porg back down to a walk. You dismounted, your legs feeling slightly like jelly as you hit the ground and they readjusted to not having a horse between them. You tied him up and removed his saddle instantly beginning to groom and rub him down. You could hear the lesson going on inside the school as the little kids were going round on the ponies, their little giggles drifted out to you and you couldn’t help but smile. You were going to miss this. 

You drove back to the city, the goodbyes with your parents had been hard but they knew you were ready to go back. You couldn’t help but feel the heaviness of dread settling in your stomach the closer the tall buildings of the city got. You hadn’t heard from anyone except Zorii, again she had gone above and beyond helping you chose a flat and getting your stuff out of storage. You checked the address, this flat was in a new block and over looked the river and in all honesty you were excited. 

It was a two bedroom with a balcony and you couldn’t wait to see it with your own eyes. You retrieved the key out of the storage box next to your front door and slowly opened the door. No one jumped out this time and you were grateful. Boxes were stacked neatly against the wall but you could see her and Finn and set up the sofa and the tv for you, stuff littered the kitchen side ready for you to put where you wanted. It was beautiful, the kitchen and living area was open plan and you walked through it to get to the two bedrooms and a bathroom, you checked your room seeing the bed was up and made and your stuff was already in the en-suite. The other bedroom was empty and you supposed you’d have to buy some furniture for it. You sighed as you opened your balcony doors, it was only little but you didn’t care as you rested on the rail. The view of the city was breath taking and you couldn’t wait to see the lights twinkling around you when it got dark. Yes, this was perfect. 

You slept well even if every noise from your flat echoed slightly, you needed to get some things on the wall, really make it yours. There was a knock and you went to answer it. You were instantly assaulted by your best friend as she clutched you tightly.

‘I have missed you so much!! I’m so glad you’re back!’ You hugged her back just as tightly

‘Me too.’ She pulled away from you and wiped a tear off her face. 

‘So do you like it?!’

‘Oh Rii I love it.’ She put some bags on the side.

‘Good, well I knew you would. And it’s close to your work so you can still walk in.’

‘Not sure what I’d do without you.’ She waved a hand dismissively. 

‘You would struggle that’s for sure. Anyway I am here because now you’re back, we need to talk Halloween.’ You made a face and she tutted. ‘I know it’s not your favourite but what better way to get back into life than with a party where everyone is in costumes.’

‘Oh I don’t know Rii, the last party didn’t go so well.’ 

‘Yes, well. This one would be better. Just us, our friends.’ You worried your lip with your teeth, she was right you needed to try and reconnect with everyone, a gathering like this could be perfect, or it could a disaster. 

‘If I don’t feel happy you’ll let me leave?’ She nodded.

‘Yes I’ll drive you myself.’ You frowned. 

‘Drive? We could get a taxi.’

‘Well, we could but why spend money on something I can do for free.’

‘But don’t you want to drink?’

‘Only allowed water and orange juice for the foreseeable......’ She trailed off her eyes rows raised as she waited for the penny to drop. Your mind jolted into action as you tried to process what she was saying. 

‘You’re pregnant?’ Her face split into a wide grin.

‘Yes I am!’ You squealed loudly and pulled her into a hug. 

‘Oh my god! That’s great news! How far along?’ 

‘Around 12 weeks, we’ve got our scan next week.’ You were happy, so happy for her and Finn but you couldn’t help that feeling of envy as it rose within you. You were going to be a year older next year and you had that impending feeling that your time was running out. Rii started emptying the bags and you pulled yourself out of your thoughts looking at the costumes she laid out. ‘I think this one would look amazing on you.’ You rolled your eyes as she pulled the Red Devil costume out of the pile.

‘Yes of course you’d think that! You always try and get my in the most revealing stuff.’

‘You’ve got a great figure! You should show it off!’ You made a face and pointed to the black costume.

‘What’s that?’ 

‘It’s like a vampire bride thing, comes with a mask.’ 

‘I’ll take that.’

‘You’ll let me do your makeup?’ 

‘Yes yes.’

‘Good,’ she hung the dress up with the mask on your bedroom door. ‘Ok so the party is tomorrow, Felix is arranging it but it will be in the community hall this time, proper DJ, food, a bar it’s actually going to be amazing. I will get here midday we can have some lunch and then get ready. Party starts at 7.’ You loved how organised she was.

‘Sure it sounds like a plan.’ 

‘Good, now I have to dash I’ll see you tomorrow.’ She gave you a swift kiss on the cheek before she left taking all her spare costumes with her. 

You made a coffee and stood out on the balcony in your pyjamas. The air was cold but you didn’t mind, you clutched your mug between your hands breathing in the hot heady aroma as it wafted in your face. You were full of anticipation from tomorrow but you weren’t sure if it was good, or bad. 

You got out of Zorii’s car your heart racing with excitement as you took in the community hall, it was quite a large one thankfully because it looked like it was packed, so much for it being just you guys and your friends. You should have known better. The bass from the music thumped and the lights flashed through the glass doors, people were outside laughing and smoking and you felt slightly nervous wondering if you were going to bump into anyone. Rii had been very careful not to tell you anything about Poe or Ben and although it frustrated you at the time you were grateful to be in the dark, you had to concentrate on you. 

You followed Rii inside and she took you straight to the bar, you took a few deep breaths as you steadied your nerves it had been such a long time since you were in a crowd this big. Rii ordered you a gin with some red food colouring in to make it look like blood which she found hilarious. 

‘Where’s Finn?’ 

‘Oh he didn’t want to come, he’s got so much work on at the hospital so he’s sleeping.’ Just then a gang of people you hadn’t seen in months swamped you both and you spent the next few hours catching up and laughing with friends, someone tapped you on the shoulder and you felt a rush of excitement as you saw it was Din. He pulled you up and grabbed you into a crushing hug but it was uncomfortable with the armour he was incase in.

‘Hello m’lady,’ his grin was as kind as ever and you couldn’t help but feel at ease in his presence, a part of you wondered if Poe was here too, not that he’d want to see you. ‘I almost didn’t recognise you with the mask.’ 

‘Hi Din! What costume is this?’ He raised an eyebrow and he put his helmet on. 

‘I’m a storm trooper?’ You laughed.

‘Little short for a storm trooper aren’t you?’ He chuckled and took his helmet off again

‘Touché! Anyway come on there’s someone I want you to meet.’ He grabbed your hand and you went willingly even though your heart was in your mouth as your pulse raced, he couldn’t....he wouldn’t.... _would he?_ ‘This is Jannah, my fiancée.’ You couldn’t help but feel the niggle of disappointment he didn’t just drop you in Poe’s lap. You didn’t even know if Poe was here.....She turned to you, her dark eyes were slightly hard but she smiled when she saw you, her mass of black curls brushed your face as she pulled you into a hug.

‘Hi I’m....’

‘I know who you are. My brother spoke about you often.’ Your blood ran cold as you stood speechless in front of her. She was Poe’s sister, this was Poe’s sister. You didn’t know what to say as your heart beat uncomfortably fast. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to give you a roasting.’ She pulled you down to an empty seat, she watched as the person next to you got up and left, her eyes followed them into the crowd. 

‘Ho — how is he?’ You wanted to know, needed to know but your nerves were on fire as you asked. She smiled slightly.

‘He’s ok. But more importantly how are you? He told me you just disappeared off the face of the planet.’ 

‘It was rather challenging... I moved back in with my parents just took some time for myself, it seems the break from Ben had effected me more than I let myself believe.’ She nodded. 

‘I’m only Poe’s half sister I don’t have much to do with the Solos, but I gather he is rather full on.’

‘Is, is Poe here?’ You looked around as if you would suddenly see him amongst the crowd.

‘I’m not actually sure, he never said if he was coming or not,’ she shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Sorry.’ 

‘I should head back to my friends.’ 

‘Sure, it was lovely to meet you.’

‘You too Jannah.’ You couldn’t get up fast enough, you felt hot as you took a deep breath trying to steady yourself. Maybe it was time to go home. 

You fought your way through the dancing crowd until you slammed into someone, your entire body connected with the hardness of their chest and you bounced back in horror, their arms shot out to steady your shoulders so you didn’t fall over, his hands were warm you noticed as they connected with your bare skin and your eyes rose up to meet his gaze. He had a werewolf mask on but you could see his eyes, his molten brown eyes, his cologne rolled over you and your mind froze as your senses were flooded by him. Suddenly the DJ changed the song and you were forced apart by the crowd, you looked wildly around but he had melded in with all the other weird and wonderful Halloween creatures. Someone grabbed your arm and you spun in shock but it was Rii.

‘You ok?’ She shouted over the music.

‘Yeah, but maybe I should go home now.’

‘Ok, I’ll grab our coats.’ You fought your way to the front door, as your mind reeled. You were sure it had been Poe, his eyes, his scent the way how he grabbed your shoulders, it couldn’t have been anyone else. You were shaken, memories echoed in your mind and you tried to fight it all down. You were so grateful to see Rii finally come out of the doors. Once you got in the car she paused looking at you.

‘Did you see Poe?’ You nodded as you hugged yourself.

‘Well I think so, he was in a costume, I bumped into him but I’m pretty sure it was him.’ Your heart hammered, you wanted to talk to him it was evident your feelings for him were still there but you weren’t sure you could take the rejection from him again. 

‘Just take your time. You don’t have to deal with this today,’ she said quietly. 

‘Ok, ok. Let’s go home.’ 

Work. The shop loomed before you as you stood outside wrapped in your coat and scarf. The November air nipped at your face as the people of the city walked around you none of them paying any attention to a lone woman just staring at a shop. You were only in for a few hours each day this week and then back to it like normal next week, getting ready for the Christmas rush. _Christmas_.....You lifted your chin defiantly, refusing to be beaten. You knew Christmas was going to be difficult, you had a lot of emotion attached to this time of year, not all of it good. You managed to take the final few steps into the shop and to your surprise Ronan and a few of the staff were there ready to greet you, you felt welcomed and at ease straight away. Just what you needed. 

The hours went by in a flash, you did offer to stay but Ronan sent you home saying he didn’t want to overload you too soon. You walked down by the river just reflecting on everything, how far you’d come and how much you’d grown. What you’d overcome this year had been a real battle within yourself and you felt proud, but you were still prone to triggers and you were pretty sure you were going to come across them at some point soon. 

You gathered your post from your mail box flicking through the boring white envelopes as you walked up the steps. The last letter, was big and heavy, it had a thick cream envelope and had just your name in gold ink scrawled across the front, no address, this had been hand delivered. You shut the front door with your foot as you put the rest of the letters down, you ran hands over the thick paper. Slowly teasing the flap at the back open and lots of cream and gold card tumbled out and scattered onto the side, but the biggest one caught your attention. 

**Han Solo and Leia Organa**

**Invite you and a plus one to the  
** **Alderaan Haulage Christmas Charity Ball**

**20th November 2020**

**12pm —Until late**

You stared at the card, you had attended the one last year but you were pretty sure you were off their mailing list these days. The rest of the cards were directions, food and drink menu and the ticket you needed to produce at the door or they wouldn’t let you in. You sat down heavily on a stall and grabbed your phone to ring Zorii. 

_‘Hello?’_

‘Zorii. I have an invite for the Christmas ball for the haulage company.’ Her silence stretched on forever and you could tell she was as stunned as you were. ‘What do I do?’

_‘Well you go!’_

‘You can’t be serious?’

_‘I’ll come with you. How did they get your address?’_

‘I don’t know, it was hand delivered anyway.’

_‘What the fuck....’_

‘Yeah I don’t really know how to take this all....’

‘ _We need to go.’_

‘Do we though?’ 

_‘Yes! I want to know what game they are playing.’_

‘What if it’s just a mistake?’ She scoffed on the end of the phone.

_‘It was hand delivered. Mistake, are you daft?’_

‘I’m panicking a bit. It’s not for a couple of weeks though.’ 

_‘Plenty of time to get a dress, I’ll meet you after your shift tomorrow we’ll head to the shops.’_

‘Oh no I don’t think....’

_‘No buts, no excuses. Someone wants you there and we need to know why.’_ She was right, and you weren’t going in alone. _‘Anyway, I’ve got to shoot we’re about to go in and see the baby for the first time.’_

‘I want pictures!’

_‘Of course anything for Aunty Y/N! Bye!’_

‘Bye.’

You put the telly on but you couldn’t concentrate, _someone wants you there and we need to know why_....but why? What could the Solo’s have left to torment you over? 

You slipped back into your roll at work like you had never left, the Christmas rush keeping you from dwelling on anything. You had picked a dress for the ball, it was a deep rich emerald colour, made of chiffon, the top was fitted and the fabric fell around you legs in plush waves, it had a slit up one leg so the fabric parted as you walked. You had some black heels and a small black bag to go with it, you also got a fluffy jacket to cover your arms because, it was November and cold. You felt ready, you had no idea what waited for you at the ball and you still had no idea who wanted you there but the more you thought about it, the more you wanted to go. 

The 20th rolled around fast and it found you and Rii getting ready, you decided to have your hair half up and half down as a mass curls, it had been a while since you had your hair cut and you didn’t realise how long it had got, Rii did your makeup. You looked in the mirror admiring yourself in your dress and you finally admitted you looked quite beautiful. Zorii stood next to you in her baby blue dress beginning to sport a tiny baby bump. 

‘Don’t we look stunning.’ 

‘We really do.’ She turned to you. 

‘Are you ready for this?’ You nodded. 

‘Yeah I’m ready.’

‘Finns on his way.’

You pulled up outside the large white house, there were cars and people everywhere. You felt a jolt of dread as you walked towards the entrance way, you had been here so many times walking up this same path, walking through the same large wooden doors. Your limbs felt heavy the closer you got, the dark windows menacing as they stared down at you, the front of the house bearing on you making you feel small. Your chest constricted as you placed your foot on the first step up to the front door your heels clicking on the stone, it felt like someone was squeezing your heart as you finally passed under the impressive entrance arch of the Organa/Solo family home. 

Han and Leia were greeting people personally at the doors to the large garden where a huge heated marquee had been put up. You panicked for a second wondering if they would turn you away but that vanished when Leia beamed as she saw you both. 

‘Y/N! Zorii! Your names are on the table plan thank you for coming.’ She gripped her hand briefly before moving onto the next people. You had always liked Leia, you had been close with her before shit hit the fan, she had such a massive warmth to her but she was also not someone to be messed about. She had inherited the haulage company off her father and had build it up even more since she had taken over and Ben was to follow in her footsteps. Han ran his eyes over you quickly but didn’t acknowledge you anymore than that. The marquee was decorated with cream, white and gold streamers, curtains, banners even balloons lined the walls and lights all round the columns. The echoey sound of chatter filled the immense space and for a moment you felt overwhelmed until Zorii pulled you over to the table plan. 

‘You ok?’ You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. ‘You sure? You’re shaking.’ She gripped your arm and you squeezed her hand. Truthfully you were terrified but you still wanted to be here. ‘Oh fuck,’ she breathed.

‘What what?!’ 

‘We are sat here,’ she pointed to the middle of the board. ‘And look who’s on the table behind you.’ Poe’s name jumped out at you. 

‘Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck,’ you whispered. ‘Is he here already?’

‘Let’s go sit down. Doesn’t matter if he is, I’ll just get you drunk you’ll be fine.’

‘He never comes to these things so I should be fine. I’m not gonna see him. I’m good.’ _Yeah right._

You sat down hanging your bag on the back of your chair. Zorii grabbed the white wine bottle and poured two glasses her eyes glaring at everyone else on the table, you instantly grabbed your glass and guzzled it, the cool, crisp, fruity liquid burning slightly as you swallowed. Your eyes swept the table, the centre piece was huge, large tall white flowers stood in a vase filled with clear and gold beads and surrounded by smaller ones all on a mirrored tray, fairy lights were entwined around the middle creating a stunning effect, music tinkled slightly out of speakers dotted around. People were still pouring in but you refused to look at any of them incase one was Poe. Or Ben. 

‘Jesus Zorii why are we here?’ You hissed. 

‘Because someone is playing games. Anyway you look amazing, they won’t be able to take their eyes off you.’ Some movement at the top table caught your attention and you saw Rey come out of a side door in the wall of the marquee, a door that you used to use. She was in a cream and gold dress, as you watched she turned and seemed to be speaking to someone still beyond the door. She laughed and moved aside to let someone pass. He emerged from the doorway his massive frame demanding all the attention in the room, or so it felt like anyway. He was in an off white tux with a black bow tie, your breath hitched slightly as you saw him, it was almost like you had forgotten how good he looked dressed up like that. A hand on your shoulder made you jump and your gaze snapped up to lock with Din’s. 

‘Wow ladies you are stunning! He pulled on your hand yanking you out of the chair and forcing you into a twirl your hair tumbling over your shoulder and your dress flaring around you. ‘Wow,’ he breathed, his eyes flicking to something over your shoulder and back to your face. ‘I didn’t think I’d be seeing you today.’ You shrugged and wrapped your arms around yourself suddenly feeling very self conscious. 

‘Neither did I really!’

‘Well it’s good to see you both.’ You smiled and went to sit back down, as you gripped the back of the chair your eyes rose and you paused. His chocolate brown eyes stared back at you with an intensity you’d never seen before, it pinned you to the spot and your stomach tightened in response. His black curls flopped over his forehead and your eyes raked over his outfit, he was in a black tuxedo and in all honesty it made you a bit weak at the knees. Your chest rose sharply as you noticed his long fingers playing with the button that held his tux jacket together across his broad chest. You felt that familiar sensation in the pit of your stomach as it coiled up through your insides making your face heat up as you imagined what those fingers could do, what you wanted those fingers to do. A woman came up next to him touching his arm and the spell he had on you was broken as he looked at her, smiling. _Jealousy_ , pure hot white jealousy snaked through you and before Zorii could stop you, you stormed off back into the house towards the corridor for the toilets. Your dress flared around you, people moved abruptly out of your way as you marched away from the bright lights and crowds trying to find a shadowy spot where you could seethe alone. 

You knew this place like the back of your hand and you found an empty room to sit in. You paced, the soft fabric of your dress fluttering against your thighs, you ripped your heels off and marched the length of the room and back. Your head was shouting at you, of course he’d find someone else, someone who treated him right, someone who looked after him, someone who loved him and didn’t sleep with their ex after being sex starved for just four months. You growled and clenched your fists at your forehead as you sunk to the ground in a squat, the pressure began behind your eyes as you tried to fight off the tears. 

_Why did you come?_

_Why did you fucking come?_

You went to pummel the box next to you but you paused, reading the writing on the side it was red wine. You ripped it opened and pulled a bottle out silently praising the universe for bringing you in here. It was screw top so it wasn’t for the gathering out there and with that thought in mind you sunk to a seating position on the floor your dress hooked up around your thighs. You opened the bottle and guzzled, squeezing your eyes shut as the fruity bitter taste flowed over your tongue. This was a really bad idea and your therapists voice rang in your mind, but you were beyond caring right now. The delicious numbness you got from alcohol threaded through you and you smiled giggling at the sensation. No one would find you in here. 

You reached over for your second bottle when the door opened quickly and snapped shut, you struggled to your feet using the wall to heave yourself up as fear shot through you about the fact you’d been found. Your heart rate sky rocketed and your breath came in short breaths, your chest heaving as the room spun slightly. Your eyes rose to see who had some in to disturb your solitude. Your throat almost closed up as you took in his wide eyes and the desperate expression on his face as he looked at you. 

‘Poe.....’ you breathed softly. All you could hear was both of your laboured breathing as the air in the room stilled. You stared at each other, not sure what to do next. 

_Had he been looking for you?_

_Did he come here for a moments peace as well?_

Your drunk brain was foggy and you couldn’t really concentrate, the burn under your skin reached a severe intensity and you felt wetness between your legs, you crushed your thighs together as you leant back against the wall, you closed your eyes wishing he would just leave to give your body a break. But you could smell him, you could hear him and you were drowning in him. 

Your fevered eyes opened seeing him still standing by the door as he stared at you his expression blank. 

_What did he want?_

Your head rolled to face him fully and you opened your mouth to speak not able to take the silence any longer. But he moved, the words dying on your tongue, he was before you in seconds, his hands grabbed your face and he smashed his lips to yours with an urgency you’d never felt from him before. A moan spilled from your throat as his tongue darted into your mouth and you melted against him, one hand moved and rubbed the bare part of your thigh that was poking out of the slit in your dress sending shivers up your spine. 

Your body felt like it was on fire as his lips moved along your jawline and down to your neck ghosting kisses along all your exposed skin, his hand moving closer and closer to your heat. You caught his wrist opening your eyes.

‘The girl you are withth,’ you spoke slowly, the wine making your tongue thick and slurring your words. ‘Iz — is ssshe important, to you?’ He frowned for a second before he realised who you were talking about. 

‘The woman you saw me with? I don’t even know who she is.’ His whispered voice rolled over you and you squirmed, feeling his body against yours was making you lose what little damn focus you had left. ‘Oh my god, were you jealous?’ He whispered a satisfied smile deepening his laughter lines. You tried to shove him playfully but your arms had no strength.

‘I don’t — I don’t....’ you frowned you wanted to say you didn’t understand but you couldn’t form the words. 

‘Din, I brought Din as my plus one.’ His teeth grazed your ear lobe as he whispered and your eyes rolls at just that simple touch and at his words. He wasn’t with anyone, relief flared briefly but then it was engulfed in your burning desire for him. You whined as his hand trailed away from your heat.

‘It’s always been you, only you,’ he whispered and you pulled him to you for a kiss your hand hooked behind his neck, tangled in his soft black curls. ‘I missed, I have missed you.’

‘I missed you,’ you mumbled against his lips as you guided his hand back to your thigh. But he pulled away. 

‘You’re too drunk, this doesn’t feel right.’ 

‘Poe!’ The whine in your voice was awful but your desire was reaching new heights and the only way to come down was to get some release. ‘Please...’ you shamelessly ground your self against his tense, rigid body until he moved away running a hand through his hair as he backed up, his gorgeous brown eyes wide and his gestures were stiff as he tried to resist touching you. Your eyes flashed in frustration and you huffed loudly. Recklessness and your blazing desire took over, you needed release. 

‘If you won’t do it, I’ll just do it myself!’ You parted your dress slipping your hand below the waist band of your pants, you groaned as the pads of your fingers circled your clit and you knew this wasn’t going to take long. 

‘Fuck!’ Poe turned away from you but you carried on, the coil in your belly winding up ready to be sprung. You twitched against the wall using it for support, your mouth was open as you dragged air into your lungs your cries getting louder. 

Your eyes flew open in surprise as he placed a hand over your mouth in an effort to drown out the obscene noises you were making, his other hand slid over yours copying your movements against your clit before he moved your hand aside so he could do it. He growled at the feel of you for the first time, his pupils blown wide with his own desire. You sagged between his hard chest and the wall as he slipped a finger into your slick, followed by another and then a third filling you as much as he could. His breathing was ragged and the sensation had you teetering on the edge as you pumped your hips getting him as far into you as possible. 

‘Look at me. Open your eyes and look at me.’ His voice was gravelly as he spoke and the sound of it fuelled your fire even more. 

Your eyelids were heavy but you dragged them open to look into his almost black eyes. He curled his fingers and you felt your legs nearly give way as they shook. ‘There it is.’ His warm breath fanned over your face and you could hear the hitch in his voice. Every time he caught your clit with his palm you jolted in pleasure your eyes loosing focus again as you concentrated on the mind numbing sensation of him moving in and out of you. 

‘Look at me.’ The command in his tone made you focus once more, but the rising feel of your impending orgasm was intense, so intense your entire body shook, your eyes widened as you forced yourself to keep eye contact with him. Your cheeks puffed against his calloused fingers as you tried to just breathe through your nose but the sensation was making you light headed. The coil in your belly was at breaking point and with a final thrust of his fingers and the brush of his palm, it snapped. You cried out against his hand as it tensed against your mouth, your hands grabbing anything you could to hold onto, the wall, his shoulder, his arm, his hand, anything to try and anchor yourself as the feelings of pleasure racked your body violently. ‘I’ve got you...’ he whispered as his fingers carried you through the last remaining waves. Finally you sagged against him, a post orgasmic bubble surrounded you, resting your head back against the cool wall you tried to catch your breath. Without breaking eye contact he slowly withdrew from your heat bringing his fingers up to his mouth he sucked them clean. A groan rumbled from his chest and you grabbed him for a rough kiss as he dragged them out of his mouth, you could taste your own juices and you didn’t care. ‘Fucking hell you taste amazing,’ he said softly. Your hands fumbled with the fastenings on his trousers and a moan bubbled up inside your throat as you felt his hard length under the soft fabric. His eyes flutter as you brush against and you grin at his reaction. ‘Oh baby we can’t.’

‘What do you mean we can’t?’ He bit his bottom lip as he stopped your hands, his molten brown eyes heavy with desire as he studied your face.

‘My suit, it’s a rental.’ Your foggy brain took a moment to catch up and you started laughing, he grinned enjoying the sound. 

‘That’s a ssssshit excuse.’

‘You’re right it is but you know everyone has pretty much eaten well lunch anyway, your absence and mine will be noted.’

‘Oh fuck,’ you breathed. He looked at the open box next to you.

‘Oh shit, is that what you were drinking?’ You nodded toying with the skin on your lips. ‘You know this is Han’s cheap stash he makes a killing on this, he changes the labels and passes it off as more expensive.’

‘Really?’ 

‘Yeah, we don’t want to get caught in here love.’ You stepped away from the wall to rearrange your pants, they were a mess, even in your drunken state you knew that couldn’t be rescued and you slipped them off instead, you stumbled and he caught you, your undergarments swinging from your fingers as you gripped his arm. ‘Oh baby you tease me.’ You went to throw them but he grabbed them off you stuffing them in his pocket. ‘You can’t leave them in here,’ he hissed. ‘How drunk are you?’ 

‘Too fucking drunk,’ you whispered as you followed him to the door. He checked the corridor was empty before leading you out his arm tight around your waist as he steadied you. You followed a group of staff as they spread out delivering the pudding to the correct tables, Poe lead you to your seat he slowly released your waist and you instantly missed his warmth. His fingers trailed against your back in a quick movement before he left for his chair next to Din. You looked at Zorii who’s face you couldn’t quite read. 

‘What the fuck happened to you? I’ve been sat here by myself like a fucking loser! And you rock up with Poe!! Who I noticed was missing as well by the way!’ She whispered furiously at you as you dragged a big gulp out of your wine glass. ‘Although I did notice a certain someone also noticed you were missing.’ 

‘Who?’ She shushed you as a couple of people at the table looked up, you had the urge to laugh and ended up snorting into your hand. 

‘Lord Almighty up the table there, kept looking over here at your empty seats.’ She paused as the pudding was placed in front of you both. You grabbed a profiterole and put the whole thing in your mouth, the cream squished out of it as you bit down and mingled with the warm chocolate sauce, your taste buds exploded with the flavour and you let out a moan. 

‘Jesus Y/N. Are you drunk?’ You look at Zorii, your mouth over full with food realising you couldn’t answer out loud even if you wanted to. ‘We’ve got the speeches, dinner and everything else to get through yet!’ She hissed. ‘You can’t just up and leave from this.’ She took a mouthful before continuing. ‘Also, there is some big announcement after dessert.’ You finally swallow freeing your mouth enough to talk.

‘Announcement?’ She shrugged and moved aside as someone filled up her water glass. 

‘Your guess is as good as mine but I’m assuming it relates to why someone would want you here.’ Your mind tried to work, to go figure out what it could be but the drunk fog that clouded your mind was too much.

‘Y/N?’

‘Hmmm?’ You turned to face her as she peered at your feet.

‘Where are your shoes?’ A wicked smile spread across your face as you leant over to whisper in her ear.

‘Better question, where are my pants?’ She let out a strangled noise of shock again drawing the frowns of other people on the table. 

‘Dear lord, whatever you’ve been drinking I want some.’ You giggled but the motion of Leia standing up caught your attention, someone passed her a mic and slowly the chat within the room died down. You shoved another profiterole in your mouth and slouched in your chair. 

‘Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen....’ you tuned her out, you’d heard the speeches it was pretty much the same every year, slowly you looked over your shoulder at Poe, his eyes were fixed on you, his expression was serious until he saw you looking and sent you a quick lopsided smile. 

‘Now! Before we begin we have a family announcement to make!’ Your head swivelled back round to Leia, this was new. ‘We are delighted to announce that my son Ben and his girlfriend are now engaged!’ She lead the applause as she looked lovingly down the table at them, they raised their glasses in thanks as thunderous applause surrounded you. 

But you didn’t clap. 

The noise was reduced to a dull ringing in your ears as cold realisation spread through your body. 10 years you had been with Ben and not once, _not ever_ did he even hint that he wanted to get married. You felt Zorii grab your hand but you didn’t register her squeeze. Your eyes were fixed on Ben, he smiled, he looked at Rey and he laughed with her as they basked in the delight of hundreds of strangers to their good news, his brown eyes searched the crowd until he saw you, his smile faded but you couldn’t read his expression. 

Something rose inside you, you felt hot and shaky, your chest constricted and your lips parted as you tried to breathe. You felt another hand on you, they tugged on you, urging you to get up but you couldn’t move, you couldn’t stop looking at him. A strong arm circled your waist heaving your out of the chair, as they turned you away you looked back over your shoulder at Ben until you couldn’t anymore. _What the fuck_. The cold air hit you and you felt dizzy, and sick. You were bundled into a car you could hear people talking but you couldn’t concentrate, you couldn’t see as tears blurred your vision. 

  
_Is that why they wanted you there?_

To rub in his engagement? A year he’d been with her and already they were engaged. Engaged. You were replaced so easily, effortlessly by someone else. You shivered and someone wrapped a jacket round you, you clutched the material and pulled it in around you, your stomach heaved and you jolted slightly. The burning taste of bile hit the back of your tongue and you heaved again, this time you couldn’t hold it down and it spewed all over you, your dress, the seats. You heard someone curse as you slumped back into the seat and passed out.


	15. Devastation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I tried to write joy I really did. Then this happened. On a good note REDEMPTION FOR BEN! But this is a sad chapter and I apologise to anyone reading this. Basically Poe shouldn’t go to work and he does, even though he really shouldn’t. I’ll update the tags

The water rained down on you, your eye lids flickered as you revelled in the warmth, it felt cosy and comforting as it pebbled onto your bare skin. You felt someone’s hands in your hair massaging your scalp and groaned slightly, they paused at your noise but then carried on. 

‘Are you awake?’ It was Zorii. It felt like you were laying down and you tried to sit up your elbows slipping on the side of the bath. ‘Steady, you’re at home.’ Your eyes felt heavy as you opened them, you felt awful and your stomach was twisted in knots. 

‘Zorii?’ You croaked, your mouth was dry and your throat felt sore, you blinked a few times as the bright light of your bathroom shine down on you. 

‘I’m just washing your hair, you kind of got sick everywhere.’

‘I did?’ She chuckled slightly. 

‘It was rather spectacular, Din is going to get his car valeted.’

‘Oh god really?’ Poe, Din....Ben. _Engaged_. You jolted sitting up in the bath as everything came back to you. ‘He’s engaged.’

‘I know babe. I know.’ Zorii reached for your hair again rinsing it with the shower head. ‘Fucking pigs. Wait ‘til I get my hands on him, making sure you were there to break the news like that. Fucking hell I’m going to kill him.’ As Zorii stood you saw she was still in her dress. 

‘I’m so sorry, can you tell the boys I’m sorry? I’m so embarrassed.’ She grinned lightly as she handed you your towel robe. 

‘Tell them yourself.’ She said as she opened the bathroom door. The first thing you saw was Poe, he was sat on the floor by the bathroom door, his hand in his hair, his shirt untucked and the top buttons undone to reveal his necklace against his bare chest. Din stood next to him, hands in his pockets as he looked down at Poe. The light from the bathroom spilled onto them and they looked up in unison, Poe scrambled off the floor and stood in front of you. Zorii squeezed past you both but you didn’t really notice, all you could see was Poe, his jaw was tense and his eyes burned into you he wanted to speak, you could see it, but he didn’t know if he should. 

‘I’m ok.’ You broke eye contact with Poe and looked sheepishly at Din. ‘I’m — I’m sorry about your car.’ 

‘As long as you’re ok, nothing else matters.’ 

‘Din can you give me a ride home?’ He looked at Zorii and nodded, he grabbed her coat and bag off the sofa, he turned to call Poe but you saw Zorii place a hand on his arm and shook her head gently tugging him towards the front door. They left silently. 

Poe was tense as he stood there just inches away from you, you didn’t know what to say to him. He’d just seen you at some of your absolute worst and you felt embarrassed, appalled as well at your earlier behaviour. Drink was not your friend but you were reckless and it was a crutch, one your therapist had worked hard on with you and you threw it all out of the window. You shouldn’t have gone to the fucking ball. You stepped around Poe and he followed you to the sofa. 

‘You sure you’re ok?’ You smiled slightly at him.

‘Yeah, I am ok. I shouldn’t have gone I knew the ball would be a trigger for me but I let Rii talk me into it and.....’ you spread your hands, he knew the rest. ‘I am appalled at what I did in the back room through.’ You hid your face. ‘That’s so unlike me!’ He gently pulled your hands away as he knelt before you.

‘Don’t apologise for that babe, it was hot,’ he paused nibbling his bottom lip. ‘Also, that was the Solo’s house we did it in I mean....’ you started giggling and he joined you.

‘Do you think they noticed our absence?’

‘Oh babe everyone noticed.’ He sat next to you and pulled to his chest. 

‘If you’re gonna stay I suggest you shower.’ He rumbled in agreement as he rubbed your arm. You both sat there taking comfort in one another for the first time in many months, you began to relax into his chest. 

‘Where did you go?’ The question was quiet and he had a serious tone to his voice, you both tensed as soon as the words left his lips and you sat up looking at him. His brown eyes were soft but there was a hard line to his jaw and you knew this needed talking about. You stood and pulled the robe closer around you. 

‘I went to my parents, I had a lot of work to do on myself.’

‘You just left.’ There was a tiny break in his voice a waver you would have missed if you hadn’t been paying attention. 

‘I was broken, Poe. You left me after I did something untrustworthy I had no idea....that last kiss,’ you closed your eyes for a moment remembering the anguish in his face the roughness of the kiss, the salty tears in your mouth. ‘That last kiss was a goodbye, from you.’ He nodded and as he looked at his hands in his lap.

‘It was.’ He coughed trying to clear his emotion filled throat. ‘It was at the time, but then I came back, it was just a couple of days and you were gone.’ He got up and began to pace. ‘Zorii wouldn’t tell me anything I begged her, even Din tried but she went silent on us.’ You felt sadness that he had been shut out like that but it’s what you had needed at the time. ‘Why didn’t you ask me for help? Why didn’t you talk to me?’ Your chest felt tight as he caged you with his stare, tears shone in his eyes as he fought with himself not to lose control. 

‘It was better this way. These 6 months have given us time to heal, the ball.....was a mistake I shouldn’t have gone and now I feel I need to sort myself out again.’ 

‘Do you — do you regret what we did?’ You paused, in a way yes you did. You were drunk and you lost control, but you didn’t regret that it was with Poe. You opened your mouth to reply and he turned away from you leaning on the side. ‘It’s ok if you do. I’m probably no good for you anyway....’

‘Poe Dameron,’ you said it softly as you placed a hand on his shoulder forcing him to face you. ‘I regret that I was drunk but that’s all. I don’t regret it was with you.’ Your gaze travelled down to his lips and you slowly nibbled yours. You suddenly became acutely aware of how naked you were under the robe, the soft fabric rubbed against your bare skin as you shifted slightly. 

‘I should shower.’ He finally managed to say breaking the spell between you. ‘I can go or I can stay?’

‘Stay. Please stay,’ you murmured softly.

‘Okay.’ He walked past you and shut himself in the bathroom. Suddenly you felt pressure on yourself, it settled on your chest and you weren’t sure if you were ready to make this leap. And yet you seemed perfectly fine letting him at you earlier? Your brain screamed at you as you battled with yourself. You wanted to, oh god you wanted nothing more than to finally be with Poe with no stress, no drama but there was just something within you that couldn’t fully take that leap. You listened to the sound of the shower for a bit before going and getting some pyjamas on, tiredness bogged you down and you realised you hadn’t eaten, except those profiteroles at the ball. The door to the bathroom opened as you came out of the bedroom and you had to avert your eyes, he stood there filling the doorway with just a towel wrapped round his waist as he used a smaller towel to dry his hair, his necklace jingled as the muscles in his shoulders and arms tensed with his movements. 

‘I haven’t eaten!’ You practically shouted at him as you turned and started heading into the kitchen, if he was puzzled by your reaction he didn’t let on as he followed you, padding silently into the kitchen. You grabbed a takeaway menu and turned to face him but he was right there behind you, so close you could see the water droplets on his pectoral muscles, right at your line of vision. Your brain shattered at his closeness as he stared at you, his brown eyes studying your face trying to read your reaction. ‘We should order food.’ You cleared your throat and went to hand him the menu.

‘You know what I like.’ His voice rumbled from his chest and your eyes widened as the words on the menu blurred together, tension settled low in your belly as he leaned forward resting a hand on the kitchen side behind you. You released a little breath as his nose buried into your hair smelling the shampoo Zorii had washed you with, his other hand came up to the back of your head tangling in the wet strands and you bit your lip in earnest trying not to moan at the contact. The menu fluttered to the floor as he brought himself closer to you, both your breaths mingled as he tilted your head upwards catching you in a gentle kiss. You instantly melted against him, his other hand circling your waist pressing you against his still wet body. Before you could react he heaved you up onto the counter and you gasped in surprise, his warm hands slipping under your top as he explored your back, he put himself between your legs and you pressed yourself against him. He groaned as you raked your fingers through his wet curls, the kiss quickly became more passionate as he tugged on your top. 

You pulled away as a phone started ringing and he sighed loudly as he moved away from you slightly. He reached behind him, grabbed his phone off the island and answered it. 

‘Hey….‘ you could hear someone babbling on the other end and you watched Poe’s expression drop slightly as he cupped your face, gently rubbing a thumb over your lips. ‘Yeah ok….alright just let me get dressed. Sure, see you soon.’ He sighed again. ‘I’m so sorry I’ve got to go to work.’ You pouted and he smiled slightly before grabbing you for a rough kiss as he sucked your bottom lip. He pressed his forehead against yours clearly not wanting to leave but duty called. 

‘Go on,’ you shoved him slightly but it was like pushing against a horse and he didn’t move at all. ‘Go on! Work called.’ 

‘I know, I’d just…..rather be here with you,’ he whispered. 

‘Come back.’ He grinned.

‘Sure?’ You couldn’t help but smile back at his excitement. 

‘Yes I’m sure, we’ve got unfinished business.’ The look he gave you had you shifting on the kitchen side seriously wishing he didn't have to go to work. 

‘Ok, ok. Ah shit I’ve got to go.’ You closed your legs as he moved away and you instantly missed the feel of him there. You slid off the counter looking at the darkening sky, a storm was coming. He came out of the bathroom grabbing his stuff, his shirt was undone as he gathered his phone, keys and checking his pockets. Your eyes raked over his bare chest, his necklace caught your attention as it swung down as he tied his shoes. ‘I am going to get the shit ripped out of me for rocking up in a tux.’ You laughed and apologised saying he wouldn’t fit in any of your clothes. He got up and pulled you to him, the kiss was as drawn out as he could make it, he tasted every inch of your mouth, his large hands digging into your hips as his fingers tensed. 

‘I promise I’ll be back.’

‘Ok. Poe…..’ He looked back at you from the front door, his jacket slung over one shoulder. 

‘I know.’ And then he was gone, his footsteps receding down the echoey hallway. You turned your attention back to outside, the clouds rolled across the sky as the rain started to splatter against the windows of your flat. You couldn’t shake the feeling of melancholy as it settled on you, maybe it was residual feelings from the ball. But you weren’t so sure. 

You sat up sharply as the thunder clapped loudly above you, the flashes of lightning flickering through the flat. You went to put your bedside light on and you cursed. The power was out. Your phone buzzed next to you and you picked it up noting the time 3am. 

‘Hey.’

_‘Hey, have you got power?’_

‘Nope. Nothing. You ok? I know storms aren’t your favourite.’

 _‘I’m ok but Finn had to go up to the hospital, he said there was an incoming trauma but that’s all he’d tell me.’_ Zorii sighed loudly. _‘So I’ll probably be on my own now until this storm is over because people seem to act really stupidly in extreme weather.’_ You snorted softly in amusement at her words.

‘Rii, people are stupid regardless what the weather is like.’ 

_‘Ha, ain’t that the truth.’_

‘You want me to stay on the phone for a bit?’ 

_‘No it’s ok, I might raid the fridge and turn my telly up really loud, watch a comedy or something.’_

‘Rii, you’ve got no power.’ You smirked slightly at her silence.

‘ _Listen, stop being so logical. I’m off, laters.’_

‘Bye bitch.’ The thunder rolled angrily overhead as the rain pelted your windows. You could hear it coming in waves as the wind drove it into the side of your building. You just hoped Poe was ok and that no one needed rescuing today. You must have managed to fall back asleep because the next thing you knew you phone was blowing up beside you, you felt around in the dark the wind and rain still howling around your building. 

‘Hello?’ You sat up groggy and disoriented. Someone mumbled your name sniffing loudly. Was this a prank call? You looked at the screen, it wasn’t a number you recognised and it was around 4am. 

‘Hello?’ You asked again on the verge of putting it down. 

‘ _It‘s Jannah.’_

‘Oh hey. Everything ok?’ You felt nervous as you waited for her response, no one rings you in the early hours of the morning with good news. 

‘ _No, you need to get to the hospital. It’s Poe.’_ You felt paralysed as her words echoed in your mind. 

‘I’m sorry, the hospital?’ You said it automatically but you already knew what she was saying but your body and mind refused to engage. 

_‘You should come,’_ you flinched as Din spoke, he had clearly taken the phone off her to speak to you, hearing his somber voice seemed to trigger something inside you and you were up and out of bed.

‘I’m on my way.’ You put the phone down not caring if he was still there or not, adrenaline shot through you and you got dressed quickly, grabbing your keys and phone before racing out of the door. You tried not to think too much about where you were heading and why, you just concentrated on getting there in one piece. The weather made the drive hellish, the dark clouds unchanging and dark as they hung in the sky, the wind whipped around your car pummelling it with big fat rain drops. 

_Just get there, keep driving._

You felt misplaced relief as the hospital loomed before you, it’s many lights not doing much to banish the dark. You abandoned the car and dived under the port, there was an ambulance there. The doors were thrown open, medical equipment was scattered inside it looking like it had been left in a hurry. The entrance doors opened and two somber paramedics headed towards it, you shivered as the feeling of absolute dread settled on your shoulders, your breath hitched as you could see Jannah and Din just inside. Waiting for you. Your legs refused to move and you felt melded to the spot. The wind roared under the port splashing you with big wet raindrops but still you couldn’t move. 

You knew going inside meant everything was about to change. 

Din saw you, and he left Jannah jogging towards the doors, his kind brown eyes full of sadness as he stood before you. He didn’t force you, he didn’t even speak, he just looked at you waiting for you to be ready. 

‘I’m….should I be here?’ 

‘Yes, we should all be here.’ He slowly put an arm around your shoulders and finally you felt able to move, each step leading you towards the unknown that awaited you. He led you into a waiting room and you stopped in the doorway staring at the faces before you. Han, Leia, Kes, Rey and Ben. They were all sitting here waiting. Your heart fluttered and you tried to back out of the room, your eyes catching Ben’s in panic, as a reflex. You slipped from under Din’s arm, you heard Jannah call you but it was Ben’s voice that grabbed your attention.

‘I’ve got her.’ He caught up with you as you tried to run, to escape the feelings as they chased you making you feel weak and helpless. His hand grabbed yours as you turned into an empty corridor, you flinched your first thought was he was going to hurt you but instead he pulled you into his chest. He started talking, his deep voice vibrating through his chest as he told you what had happened. 

There had been an accident at the hangar, the wind had been too strong and it caught them off guard, the helicopter had been out ready for a rescue but the gust of wind blew and smashed it into the side of the building, and Poe had been in the way. You struggled against him as you could feel the tears building up, you wanted to see him you needed to see him but Ben held onto you as he tried to calm you down, until eventually you let the feelings take you over. 

You crumbled to the floor and Ben went with you as you cried out loud feeling yourself fracture, feeling Poe being ripped from you after all this wasted time. You felt broken as you clutched Ben’s shirt trying to ground yourself to the one familiar thing in this whole place as your world tumbled out of control. 

You couldn't catch your breath and it got faster and faster, your eyes widened as you felt yourself losing control. You could hear Ben telling you to breathe as your chest heaved, the tightness not allowing you to take a one, your head started to swim and you flailed as you panicked. Until someone put something over your face, a different voice telling you to breathe, to calm down, to follow their commands. Your vision finally focused on Din as he knelt before you; he smiled slightly as you copied him, your chest finally expanding as you inhaled. You choked as fresh tears fell and he grabbed you in a hug, your sore eyes rose up to look at Ben as he ran a large hand through his hair. He looked worried, sad even an expression you’d never seen on him before. _Hopelessness_. Din helped you off the floor.

‘You want me to stay?’ His eyes casting a quick look as Ben paced across the hallway.

‘No, I’ll be ok,’ you croaked. ‘Just let us know if you hear anything.’ He nodded before heading back round the corner, you scrunched the paper bag in your hands the sudden noise dragging Ben’s attention to you. He stopped and just looked at you, not knowing what to say. Your ex with his fiancée was at the hospital and yet he was standing here comforting you. 

‘Why did you come after me?’ 

‘Because I know you better than anyone.’ He was right, he did. But maybe he needed some familiarity too and aside from his parents he’d find that in you. Your mind reeled as you leant against the cool wall trying to come to terms with everything you now knew about Ben and Poe. 

‘Why did you fall out?’ It probably wasn’t the most appropriate time to ask but you needed to know and you had no other way of passing the time as you waited for news. He huffed and put his hands on his hips as he regarded you deciding if he should answer or not, he did the telltale nibbling of his lower lip until finally he replied. 

‘It was so long ago…. _fuck_.’ He turned away from you as he rubbed his weary face, the scratch of stubble reaching your ears. ‘We shouldn’t be talking about this now.’ You went to retaliate but you stopped, both your eyes were drawn to Rey as she appeared at the corner of the corridor, her eyes wide as she felt the tension between you.

‘The doctor is talking to Jannah.’ You pushed away from the wall and began to head back to the waiting room, you felt like you were floating, like you weren’t really here. Maybe you should just leave. You stood awkwardly in the entrance torn between upping and leaving them all behind and wanting to see Poe, to hear about Poe. 

_Poe_ , who had been in your flat just hours ago. 

_Poe_ who had kissed you and waited for you all this time. 

_Poe_ who promised he’d come back to you. 

_Poe_ ….you couldn’t leave him now, not when he needed you the most. You waited outside the room, still feeling like you couldn’t enter. You turned and saw Ben and Rey heading towards you, looking at Ben’s face you could tell he was annoyed but you needed to concentrate on Poe. You hated how even after everything you gravitated towards Ben, but he had been your comfort once. He gestured for you to enter the room after Rey and slowly you dragged yourself in trying not to think about the fact you were in a room with people you had regarded as family until _Rey_ had come along and ruined it. You fixated on the leaflets pinned haphazardly all over the wall as you tried to ignore Leia’s constant sniffles and Han’s infernal fidgeting, Kes’s absolute silence along with the new tension between Rey and Ben as they stood separately. 

Anxiety clawed at your insides as you waited for news, all the darkest scenarios you could think of worming their way inside you, planting their ugly dark seeds and blooming into hideous situations. The leaflets blurred into a single mass of colour as your eyes watered, fat tears rolled down your cheeks as you tried to hold your composure in a room of people who you were sure were staring at you. Your chest shuddered as the action of keeping your emotions inside began to create an ache in your heart, you just wanted Poe to be alright but Jannah had been gone a long time. Someone shuffled and you saw Ben standing near you, he kicked his feet gently into a chair leg, his arms crossed over his broad chest as he worried his bottom lip. 

‘Can you stop?’ Rey’s voice cracked loudly in the still air of the waiting room. Ben’s head snapped up fury clouding his features.

‘Fucking, stop what?’ You wanted out before this got worse, the tone in Ben’s voice was one you knew so well and it made your stomach cramp in worry. You took two steps towards the door when it opened and Jannah with Din close on her heels entered. Her face was blotchy and tear stained as was Din’s, a roaring began in your ears as she looked at you. 

‘He’s alive. They saved him.’ You reached for the wall to steady yourself but you found Ben was already at your side grabbing your arm to support you. He settled you in a chair as you heard Leia gasp in relief as Han wrapped his arms around her. Jannah sunk into the seat next to you, her tired sore eyes watching Ben wearily as he crouched beside you. ‘He’s in a medically induced coma, he — he doesn’t look good and he’s still in intensive care, but they have done all they can for him now.’

‘Can I see him?’ You whispered and she nodded.

‘He’s only allowed two visitors at a time, we’ve already been.’

‘I’ll take you.’ Ben’s voice rumbled comfortingly next to you and you nodded, you didn’t want to go on your own. He guided you out of the room, his hand on the small of your back just like he used to do before your lives went to shit but you couldn’t think about that now. Your feet were heavy as he led you through the hospital, the sounds of everything around you was muffled, you didn’t register anything until Ben stopped outside a room. It was dark, the door was shut and the blinds were drawn but you knew Poe was inside. 

_Poe_ , who had been so full of life just hours ago. 

_Poe_ who had kissed you so gently. _Poe…_.

‘I can’t Ben I can’t!’ It ripped from your chest in a panicked frenzy as you tried to back away but he was like a solid wall behind you. 

‘You need to.’ 

‘I don’t belong, I don’t….I can’t. Ben please….’ A sob bubbled inside you as you stared at the closed door, images of Poe flashed before you as you tried to remember all the little details about him, anything to stop you going in that room. Ben bent down so he was eye level with you, his soft brown eyes brimming with sadness as he took in your tear stricken expression. 

‘He’d want you in there. Out of all of us, he’d want you in there holding his hand.’ You breathed deeply, you didn’t believe what he was saying but you’d also never forgive yourself if you didn’t go in. You tried to steel yourself for what you were about to see, your hand shook as you gripped the handle. 

There was no going back now. 

The first thing you noticed was the smell, sterile and clean, it almost burned your nostrils it was so strong. The next thing you noticed was the noise, the gentle _whoosh_ of the life support machine accompanied by clicks as the mechanism drew the air in and out of his lungs. The machines were bright casting a pale ghostly light over him as he lay completely still in bed, only his chest moved. You took a few shaky steps towards him before looking back at Ben as he stood in the doorway. His expression was hollow as he stared at Poe, you couldn’t even guess what he was feeling in this moment he was always so silent about his feelings. Tentatively you reached out your hand looking pleadingly up at him, you needed each other, right now in this moment you had to find comfort in each other. He covered your hand with his large warm one and you tugged him into the room, he closed the door plunging you both into darkness and shutting out the noise of the ward behind you. 

Together you stood at his bedside, Poe’s face was swollen and bruised, one eye completely black and puffy giving him a misshapen appearance but under it all you could see it was your Poe. Fresh sobs fell from your lips as you went to grab his hand but then you worried about touching him so you rubbed them on your legs in frustration. 

You didn’t know what to do and you looked blindly round for Ben, he was putting a chair behind you and you gently sat down not knowing where to look. Ben’s long fingers laced with yours in your lap stopping you from playing with the fabric of your clothes. His head hung down as he knelt beside you and you felt his hand tighten as his shoulders began to shake. At first you didn’t know what to do, you’d never seen him cry before but then his sobs tore the still air and you pulled him to you. He lay in your lap his back to Poe’s bed as he wrapped his arms around you burying his face into your stomach, the sobs coming thick and fast now as you sat there numbly, your fingers in his hair. Your tears fell silently as you zoned out to the noise of the life support machine, you tried to match your breaths to it to keep a hold of yourself but you were slipping. Ben was now still in your lap but he didn’t let you go until the door opened and you both jumped from the noise. It was Rey. Her eyes took in everything before she stormed off leaving the door swinging. 

‘You should sort that,’ you murmured.

‘Not now.’ He mumbled back, you brushed his hair away from his face as you both stared at the figure before you. 

‘Will he be alright?’

‘I hope so.’ You sighed not wanting to leave but knowing there were other people who wanted to see him. You went to get up making Ben release you finally, he picked himself up looking at the door that Rey had left open. You stood over Poe, your eyes darting over his battered face. 

‘You can’t leave me. Not when we have unfinished business,’ you whispered before bending and gently planting a kiss in his lifeless curls. 

You stood outside the hospital, the sun finally breaking through the clouds as the storm moved on. But the storm inside you remained, you didn’t want to leave but you hadn’t eaten and you were exhausted. Jannah stayed with Poe and promised to give you updates as and when. All of you had agreed on sitting with him in shifts and yours wasn’t until tomorrow. You swayed slightly as you stumbled your way to the car your limbs felt heavy and you worried about making it home in one piece. You flinched as a pair of large hands took the keys out of your grasp.

‘You’re not driving. Let me take you home.’ You nodded, you didn’t care who drove right now you just needed to go home. Ben led you round to the passenger side and opened the door for you, if only he’d been this thoughtful through your relationship. As the car pulled away you saw Rey getting into the back of Han and Leia’s car, her eyes followed you until you couldn’t see her anymore.

You woke up as someone spoke loudly asking what you wanted to order, you felt disoriented and couldn’t figure out why you were suddenly at a McDonald’s. 

‘Ben...what…?’ He finished telling them the order before turning to you. 

‘You didn’t eat at the ball, you didn’t eat at home, I’m guessing and you didn’t eat at the hospital, so I’m buying you lunch.’ Your mouth watered at the smell of food, you couldn’t remember the last time you and Ben had done anything like this, you stopped going to drive thrus and things after being together a few years preferring to go out to dinners. 

‘But we never get crappy food,’ you murmured. He parked the car with a sigh before handing you exactly what you would have ordered. Tears pricked the corners of your eyes as you looked down at the burger in your hands, your mind swirling with all the ‘could have beens’ as you tried to ignore them. 

‘Seriously, eat.’ 

‘Doesn’t this feel weird to you?’ He paused looking straight ahead at the hedge in front of the car. 

‘Yeah. It does.’ You looked at him, really looked at him. His brown eyes, the shape of his nose and his plush lips, the way his ears poked out from his raven dark hair and the freckles that dotted his skin.

‘What happened to us Ben?’ His fist clenched, still refusing to look at you. 

‘Let’s eat, get you home and we’ll talk after you’ve rested.’ You nodded, he spoke sense and you were too tired to argue right now. The rest of the drive was quiet and as per to your directions, he pulled up outside your building. 

‘You should come in, you can sleep in the spare room.’ 

‘Are you sure?’ You opened your door.

‘You promised me a conversation.’ You didn’t wait to see if he followed, you pulled your keys out of your pocket as you fought down the feelings of trepidation, last time you had been alone with Ben you’d ended up having sex with him and it hadn’t been pleasant. You shoved the intrusive thoughts out, you were tired and your barriers were down making these things come at you harder than usual. He slowly followed you into the flat, his large frame instantly taking up so much space as he put your car keys and his phone on the kitchen side. 

‘Spare rooms in there, beds made, towels in the cupboard if you want a shower. I’m going to get some sleep, I’ll keep my phone on loud incase Jannah rings.’

‘Sure.’ 

‘Ok then.’ You shut your bedroom door and flopped onto the bed, it felt weird knowing he was in your flat but you were just too damn tired to address anything right now. 

The light filtered through your window, the dust particles floating lazily in the golden beam that highlighted the broad back that was pushed against you. Acting on a sleepy reflex you panicked and kicked out shoving him off the bed. 

‘Jesus fucking Christ!’ Ben yelled as he picked himself off the floor.

‘What the fuck Ben! This is my bed!’ Panic flared inside you as you crawled off the covers backing up against the wall. 

‘I’m sorry! I just….I needed…..I didn’t……’ you could see his expression change as he struggled with himself, trying to find the words to say to get across how he was feeling but reassure you at the same time. His fists clenched and his jaw worked, to your surprise you saw his eyes tear up as he slumped onto the edge of the bed. 

‘Ben…’ without thinking you crossed the distance between you, your hand reached out and touched his trembling shoulder. 

‘Poe was...Poe _is_ my brother. I can’t believe I held this grudge for so long I wasted so much time and now….’ he trailed off as he looked at you, his brown eyes wide and pleading. ‘I’m sorry I just needed to be close to you, I meant nothing by it.’ You sat next to him taking one of his large hands as he breathed roughly through his nose. ‘I’m sorry for what I put you through. I’m sorry I did those things, I was confused and I didn’t know what to do, I acted out against you and I’m…..’ he ran a hand through his hair as he looked up at the window. ‘I’m not excusing my behaviour, I fully admit what I did, what happened….’

‘Ben. I hear you.’ He leant against you, your forehead resting against the side of his face and you wrapped an arm around his neck. ‘I want to forgive you…’

‘I’m not asking that of you. What I did, put you through was unforgivable.’ He sighed. ‘As for Rey…’ you stilled. You weren’t sure if you were ready to visit that as well today, your mind was spinning and your heart ached already. 

‘We don’t have to talk anymore…’ he grabbed your arm before you could remove it from his neck. 

‘I’m sorry I was weak. You deserved better from me. Just don’t hate me.’ 

‘I need to get ready for the hospital,’ you murmured as you started to get up, he released you slowly. 

‘Will you be ok?’

‘Yeah, I think so. I just want to be there for Poe.’ You slipped out of the bedroom and shut the bathroom door softly behind you. Your chest ached as you slid down the door, Ben’s apology had opened something inside you and it felt like _relief_. Some of the weight had been shifted off your shoulders and you felt lighter but the tears still flowed as you hugged yourself. Sniffing you dragged yourself off the floor and turned the shower on, you had to concentrate on Poe. He needed you.


	16. Routine

You came out of the bathroom wrapped in your towel and saw Ben going through some bits in the kitchen. 

‘What are you doing?’ He shot a look at you, his eyes widened slightly and you saw his ears go pink as he huffed. 

‘I’m just packing a bag for you to take, some snacks, headphones, I er, found a book in your room and I packed your purse and phone charger….sorry if you thought I was going through your stuff.’

‘No, it’s ok. That’s really thoughtful of you. I wouldn’t have packed any of that.’

‘Yeah I know.’ You both stood there awkwardly for a moment before you stammered out you should get dressed and diving into the bedroom. You threw some comfy clothes on before heading back out to the living area. He stood by the window looking out at the glorious day that always came after a storm. 

‘You really have a stunning view,’ he murmured as you grabbed the bag off the side. 

‘I should be going. You can stay here if you want.’ He sighed and uncrossed his arms running a hand through his hair as he turned to you. 

‘Want me to drive you? Then I’ll head home, I should probably tell Rey where I’ve been.’ 

‘Shit Ben, you didn’t tell her you were here?’ A look crossed his expression but you couldn’t place what it was. 

‘She probably guessed anyway.’

‘You know she’s going to think the worst,’ you pointed out. 

‘Yeah well….’ You studied him as the light from outside lit up his face and you could tell he wasn’t happy. 

‘Either sort it or end it Ben. Don’t put her through what you did to me.’ He nodded, rubbing his large over his face bringing himself out of his thoughts. 

‘Come on I’ll drive.’ 

As the hospital got closer you felt agitated, you hadn’t heard anything and you assumed no news was good news. But that didn’t stop the dread pooling inside you, sitting like a puddle of darkness as you saw the ugly building get nearer. You looked down as Ben’s warm hand enveloped yours stopping you from pulling on the hem of your top. 

‘Want me to come in with you?’ You felt bad suddenly relying on him so much but he was offering and honestly you felt grateful having someone to lean on. 

‘And then you go home and sort it with Rey either way?’ He turned the car off and looked at you with deep brown eyes. 

‘Either way,’ he promised. 

‘Ok, let’s go.’ As you entered the ward you saw Leia talking to a doctor, she greeted Ben and then gave you a watery smile and hug. It was only then that you noticed the doctor was Finn and realisation dawned on you. 

‘You saved him?’ He nodded placing a hand under your elbow while casting a weary eye over Ben. 

‘Come on I’ll update you.’

‘Ben….thanks.’ He nodded before going off with his mother and finally heading home.

You hesitated at the door, the sound of the life support machine being the most evident sound in the still room. Finn said your name softly as the swirl of emotions cascaded through you. You hated seeing Poe like this, so still, so quiet, so  _ broken _ . Finn managed to nudge you into the room so he could close the door shutting out the sound of the hospital. You felt like you were in a bubble as you glided towards Poe, a quiet sterile bubble. 

‘He’s been stable all night, we have high hopes for him but his injuries were...extensive.’

‘What does that mean for him?’ You asked as you sat in the chair at his bedside. 

‘He will need to be in the coma until he can start breathing for himself, his body has a lot of healing to do.’ You nodded as you looked at your friend. 

‘Can I touch him?’ Finn smiled slightly.

‘You can hold his hand and talk to him, he might be able to hear you and it will help him.’ 

‘Ok.’

‘Alright, I’ll be around today so I’ll come by when I can. I’ll leave you to it.’

‘Finn,’ he stopped before he opened the door and looked back at you. ‘Thank you.’ He nodded, and then you were alone. Your breath shuddered as you looked at Poe, you gently moved the curl on his forehead so you could kiss him gently. 

‘I’m here. I will be here whenever I can, do you hear me? I’m going to get you through this.’ You waited, you weren’t sure what for because he couldn’t respond and the only reward you got was the hiss and puff of the life support machine. ‘Don’t you dare leave me…’ you gently gripped his hand as the tears filled your eyes. You couldn’t help it, you felt like you were drowning as you stared at him looking for something, anything from him except the continual rise and fall of his chest. You knew it was stupid to think he’d suddenly sit up like nothing had happened, he had nearly died and sometimes they don’t wake up the same. You lay your head on his bed as you held onto his hand, your tears soaking into his sheets wondering what you had done to deserve this past year. 

You became a zombie over the next few weeks, you were either at work or at the hospital and you couldn’t remember the last time you had slept in your bed. You spent your nights looking after Poe, you shaved his stubble, washed his hair, clipped his nails talking to him all the time. You spoke to Ben everyday both supporting each other on your dark days, far as you knew he had practically moved into your flat with Poe’s dog Bee, you tried not to bring Rey up knowing he’d speak to you about that when he was ready. 

It was cold outside, the clouds threatening to dump snow all over the city as they hung low in the sky, you could hear the noise from the nurses station as they decorated a small tree. You had forgotten it was nearly Christmas, you had been doing office work with Ronan taking the brunt of the shop floor work.  _ Christmas… _ .you hadn’t shopped or anything. You looked up from your book, your eyes flitting to Poe. 

‘It’s nearly Christmas. Do you….do you remember last year?’ You smiled slightly remembering him knocking on your door. ‘You bandaged my hand because I smashed that bloody bauble.’ You laughed slightly as the familiar pressure of tears built up behind your eyes. ‘And you cooked the best Christmas dinner. You really made my Christmas, you know that right?’ You wiped your face refusing to acknowledge the tears sliding down your face. ‘If you could wake up for Christmas that would be great. The doctors say you’re healing nicely but they’re not sure why you’re not waking up.’ You felt annoyance surge through you as you glared at him. ‘I’ve had enough now. Stop fucking messing. Wake up.’ The noise of the life support machine rang in your ears, you hated it. The puff, the wheeze, the clicks and subtle beeps it all pissed you off. You got up off the chair tossing your book down, you paced up and down rubbing the back of your neck as you shot glances at the prone figure in the bed. ‘I said wake up Poe...it’s time to fucking  _ wake up _ !’ The sound of your name from the doorway snapped your attention to Ben, he was standing there in his coat with a puzzled look on his face. 

‘You ok?’ 

‘He’s ignoring me,’ your voice broke as you gestured at the bed. ‘He’s not waking up Ben he’s not waking up...’ you covered your face as the tears flowed freely and you felt him grab you in a hug, the raw sobs tearing your throat as you fisted your hands in the fabric of Ben’s coat. 

‘He will, he will wake up.’

_ ‘You don’t know that! _ ’ You wailed against his chest. Ben moved you away from him so he could stare you straight in the eye, sadness evident on his face as he studied you. 

‘No I don’t know that but I have to believe. And so should you.’ 

‘It’s nearly Christmas.’ He grimaced at your whispered words as he realised where your emotion was coming from. 

‘I know, I’m sorry.’ He pulled you back to him and with a sigh you melted against him. Eventually Ben shifted and held a bag you hadn’t noticed before. ‘I brought some snacks.’ 

‘If there aren’t mince pies in there I’m not interested,’ you pouted as you grabbed a tissue. He snorted softly and put the bag on the table at the end of Poe’s bed. 

‘I’m insulted at how little you think I know you.’ You blotted your eyes, watching him empty the bag onto the table, he brought mince pies, a magazine and a tin of Christmas chocolates. ‘I did think about bringing some Christmas decorations…’

‘Ben! That’s a great idea! Let me text Zorii she was going to come and pick Finn up. I'll ask her to drop some off.’ You grabbed your phone texting quickly, you needed this, it could be the distraction you needed. She replied straight away saying she had a box ready to go, she was just waiting for you to ask for them. ‘Seems everybody knows me better than I do.’ 

‘She got some ready?’ He asked but he refused to look at you as he stood next to Poe.

‘You told her, knowing I’d text her as soon as you said it!’ He shrugged a ghost of a smile playing on his lips as he looked at you from under his hair. 

‘Maybe…’ your face crumbled as you covered it feeling grateful for the people around you. Ben made his way round to your side of the bed but you both jumped as Poe convulsed, the alarms on the machines screamed as he started choking. Nurses poured into the room shouting instructions and one shoved you and Ben out of the room before shutting the door in your face. 

You were shocked, you hadn’t had time to register what was happening as you stood there staring at your own reflection in the glass. Was he dying? Was he giving up? Was this it? You felt pressure on your chest as Ben tried to guide you to a chair but you refused to move, you didn’t want to. You couldn't leave him now! You were rigid with fear not knowing what to think as numbness spread through you. Ben’s hand toyed with your fingers as you stood there, every noise had drowned out until all you could hear was the sound of your own heartbeat. Your breath seemed to echo in your ears as you concentrated on keeping yourself upright, you wanted the door to open, you wanted Poe to be sitting up when you went back in there, but another voice from the back of your mind thought the opposite. The darkness was there waiting and you were right on the edge waiting to fall into the pit that you had been holding at bay for weeks. You rocked on your heels but Ben was there, he was always there now, ready to catch you. Your eyes sought his in the frenzy of your thoughts and you could see the same feelings reflected back at you. 

‘Ben…’ you weren’t even sure if noise came out or if you just mouthed his name but he knew, he understood. 

‘He’s waking up he’s got to be.’ He put a comforting hand on your face as you looked up at him. ‘Think positively, he’s got to be waking up…. I can’t think….otherwise.’ You both flinched breaking the spell between you as the door opened and the nurses began to file out. One stopped in front of you a blank expression on her face. 

‘You can go back in now.’ 

‘What happened?’ Ben’s voice rumbled through you as he demanded an answer. 

‘He’s breathing on his own.’

‘What?’ Your world rocked under your feet, only Ben’s steady arm around you kept you from falling, the nurse smiled slightly as you stared at her dumbly.

‘He’s breathing on his own, don’t rush him. I’m going to get a doctor.’ You leaned against Ben as he began to push you towards the room. 

‘This is good news.’

‘I know, I just….’ you paused at the doorway, the room so still and quiet, the machines were silent and there was no noise from the life support machine. For a second your mind panicked thinking the worst but then you heard him. Hesitant no longer you dived to the bed grabbing his hand, the tubes were gone and he looked more like your Poe than he ever had. 

‘Poe, Poe it’s me.’ Your breath caught in your throat as you held back the tears bringing his hand up to your cheek, he felt so warm but still so unresponsive. Ben stood behind you, a comforting hand on your shoulder as you looked hopefully into Poe’s face. ‘Poe...it’s me.’ You said it a bit louder, but still you got nothing. 

‘The nurse said not to rush him. Let’s just wait for the doctor.’ Ben tried to pull you away but you shrugged him off, your jaw clenched as you gripped Poe’s hand tightly almost afraid he’d slip away if you let go. ‘Poe it’s Christmas,’ you said firmly. ‘It’s time.’ The moments stretched by and it felt like hours but it was only seconds when his hand flexed in yours, a gasp of surprise left your lips as you gripped Poe’s hand tighter causing him to frown slightly. 

_ ‘Ben! _ ’ You whispered.

‘I see it,’ you grinned at him as he peered over your shoulder a soft expression on his face. Finn marched into the room he threw a quick glance at you before dragging Poe’s eyelids open to, shining a light in his eyes. 

‘Both pupils active and responsive.’ He murmured to the nurse behind him. You watched him as he meticulously checked Poe over. 

‘He frowned and his hand flexed,’ you blurted out causing Finn to look at you with a small smile. 

‘We need to do further tests but everything looks good for now, just keep talking to him,’ he walked out of the room murmuring to the nurse before letting her leave. You sat next to Poe suddenly afraid to touch him not wanting to disturb him as he lay peacefully before you. 

‘Did someone call for decorations? Oh where are his tubes?’ You looked up at Zorii, your face breaking out into a smile. 

‘He’s breathing on his own!’ You watched as Ben took the box off of her and she thanked him quietly. You knew she still wasn’t comfortable around him after what he’d done to you and what she’d seen with her own eyes, but for you this girl would do anything. She stood next to Poe, her eyes brimming with tears as she looked at him. 

‘It’s about time, this girl is sick of living in the hospital.’ She hiccuped as Ben passed her a tissue. ‘So what happens now?’ 

‘I think we just have to wait, Finn said he needed more tests…’ 

‘Oh he won’t be coming home now then. He’s not going to leave Poe in the care of another doctor.’ She blew her nose and your heart went out to her. Finn had been at the hospital as much as you had recently. 

‘I’ll tell him. He needs a break, plus isn’t it like the 20th or something?’ Her eyes widened at your words.

‘Bitch it’s Christmas Eve, I thought that’s why you finally asked for the decorations?’ 

‘Oh, I haven’t shopped.’ She laughed slightly as you slumped in the chair, you felt awful as realisation crashed in around you. Had you really abandoned everything and everyone for that long? 

‘It’s ok, me and this one,’ she gestured to Ben. ‘We have sorted your shopping. I hate to say it but it was his idea.’ 

‘Really?’ Ben nodded and you groaned. ‘That’s why you were asking me about presents and things weeks ago.’ He grinned at you and rolled his eyes.

‘I am so glad you didn’t realise what I was doing! But you were too distracted.’ 

‘You guys should go home.’

‘I am going to help you decorate, in fact Ben and I are going to decorate while you sit next to your man and hold his hand.’ 

For the first time laughter filled Poe’s room as you directed them on where to put everything, Ben was clearly the tallest so he put all the tinsel up and Zorii decorated a little tree she’d brought. You felt happy watching them throw banter around, it was just like old times, just in a hospital room. Finn finally joined and you were pleased to see he’d changed out of his scrubs so he was intending to go home. Ben threw some tinsel at you and you threw it back laughing he barrelled into you ticking your ribs as you mucked about, you couldn’t catch your breath and you wheezed loudly trying to laugh and breathe at the same time when a voice broke the fun.

‘So this is what you’ve been doing?’ Rey stood in the doorway holding a hamper, her face fell as she took in yours and Ben’s smiling faces. Your gaze fell on Zorii who was making a cringe face at you, she tugged on Finn’s sleeve and they both filed out with Zorii mouthing she’d ring you. Ben stood stiffly next to you and you moved to settle back in the chair next to Poe.

‘You know where I’ve been.’ He said, his voice deep and clipped. You could see the tenseness in his jaw as he ground his back teeth. 

‘I barely hear from you. I barely see you anymore.’ You bit back a groan, he hadn’t sorted a damn thing. 

‘Ben.’ His gaze was pulled to you as he shifted uncomfortably. ‘You need to sort this. But not in here.’ 

‘You take orders from her now?’ You tried not to roll your eyes at the whine in Rey’s voice, you weren’t completely heartless if you’d walked in on your supposed fiancé with his hands all over his ex you’d be upset too but you both knew there was nothing in it, she however, did not. Your gaze fell on her keeping your voice low but fury laced your tone. 

‘You are in a hospital room, with a sick person who is sleeping. Take this somewhere else. Both of you.’ She dumped the hamper casting you a dark look but you didn’t care you just wanted them out. Ben shut the door behind him and you finally released a breath you’d been holding. You gathered up Poe’s hand in yours, tracing his fingers to try and calm yourself down. You jumped as his fingers flexed at your touch. 

‘Poe?’ Your heart pounded as a small groan reached your ears, you carefully leant over him sweeping that stubborn curl that liked to sit on his forehead, you nearly cried as his eyes fluttered finally opening and squinting in the bright light before falling on your face. ‘ _ Hi…’  _ you whispered as a grin spread across your face. ‘Welcome back.’ He made a noise and his eyes widened as his hand twitched in yours. ‘Don't speak, try not to move. You’re going to be weak.’ You gently placed his hand against your cheek as your tears slid down your cheeks. ‘Merry Christmas Poe.’


End file.
